Well, it has been three months since my last post. I promised you I'd write more. I promised you I'd be more faithful to your need for encouragement, but alas, I have failed you due to my own whirlwind of spiritual growth. When things start happening at a certain speed in my life, it is the most difficult thing for me to stop, sit down and write to you about what has been going on.
I have tried. I have prayed to God that He would bring His message forth for you. But each time, the message became many fragmented messages, and I knew not where to begin. That is, until today. I received this scripture in my inbox and I knew. This is what sums up all of my experiences in the past months. This scripture penetrated my heart and even now, at this moment, I feel like someone is stepping on my heart with a heavy combat boot until I get this message to you.
I am debtor both to the Greeks, and to the barbarians.
From "My Utmost for His Highest":
"Paul was overwhelmed with the sense of his indebtedness to Jesus Christ, and He spent himself to express it. The great inspiration in Paul's life was his view of Jesus Christ as his spiritual creditor. Do I feel that sense of indebtedness to Christ in regard to every unsaved soul? The spiritual honour of my life as a saint is to fulfill my debt to Christ in relation to them. Every bit of my life that is of value I owe to the Redemption of Jesus Christ; am I doing anything to enable Him to bring His Redemption into actual manifestation in other lives? I can only do it as the Spirit of God works in me this sense of indebtedness.
I am not to be a superior person amongst men, but a bondslave of the Lord Jesus. "Ye are not your own." Paul sold himself to Jesus Christ. He says - I am a debtor to everyone on the face of the earth because of the Gospel of Jesus; I am free to be an absolute slave only. That is the characteristic of the life when once this point of spiritual honour is realized. Quit praying about yourself and be spent for others as the bondslave of Jesus. That is the meaning of being made broken bread and poured out wine in reality."
This is where I stand right now - in debt to you and in debt to Christ. I owe you something. I owe you the knowledge and assurance of God. Because I have it. Simply because I have it, I owe it to you.
Let me tell you a story about a little girl who grew up with a lot of pain. This little girl had a tumultuous relationship with her father, was rejected by her grandmother, was abused by a family member and faced further rejection time and time again throughout her life until she almost felt she wasn't worth anything.
But deep inside her heart, God had planted a seed - a calling. She belonged to Him and He was never going to let her go.
But when a child experiences rejection, they learn to reject. This little girl didn't know how to accept love - especially something seemingly so far off and distant as God's love, so she ran. Every time God showed her a blessing, she turned the other way. She ran and ran and tried to control her life and make her own way. But because God still loved this child, He wouldn't let her have her way. He wanted her to have His way and maybe, just maybe, accept that all the pain she had been through as God's purpose for her life.
And here I am - no longer a little girl, but finally accepting the fullness of God's Love as a little child. God has brought me to the crossroads in recent months and He has finally revealed His purpose for my life. Psalms 138:8 says He's going to fulfill His purpose for me. You're a part of that purpose.
In January of 2007, I began walking. I was tired of bouncing around like a molecule in life, not knowing where to go. I was tired of the rejection letters from potential employers. I needed a job. So with a college degree, I became a doughnut fryer at Weis Markets. I saw hours of the morning you may never see.
Then Wal-Mart called me for a third shift stockperson position. Although I still knew that this was not where I would be forever, while I was stocking shelves, I continued to talk with God and sing His praises.
Then He called me to The Pregnancy Care Center. It was here where the real work began. Just like Moses, God brought me to the place of my greatest sin, and He revealed His purpose for my life. He showed me the tools I had in my hands - writing, performing, speaking and singing - that I would use like Moses' mighty staff, if I would just throw these tools to the ground and see what God would do with them. He called me to revisit the deep pains of my past, rip off those ugly scabs that had grown infectious and receive the cleansing of the true Antiseptic - the blood of Jesus Christ.
I began to write a book about my pain and healing. On June 17th, completely frustrated with my work at The Pregnancy Care Center, I prayed that God would show me how much longer I needed to work there. I told God I knew He had me there for a reason and I wouldn't leave until He released me. Four days later, I was called into the Executive Director's office and they even used these words, "We're releasing you." Although I cried, it wasn't tears of sadness. I knew God was about to do something big.
Six days later, I submitted my book proposal to Hartline Literary Agency. Five days later, Hartline wrote to me to tell me they accepted my proposal and will represent me for the publishing of my book.
Now you would think I would be swinging from the chandeliers with praise. For a couple days, I was. I was on cloud nine. But the reality is, not everyone is going to read this book. I have to figure out other ways to reach those of you who now stand where I once stood so I may bring you healing.
These are the scriptures I'm leaning on real hard right now:
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.
1 For I would that ye knew what great conflict I have for you…and for as many as have not seen my face in the flesh; 2 That their hearts might be comforted, being knit together in love, and unto all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the acknowledgement of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; 3 In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
I am in debt to you. I am burdened for you.
Whether you are in my Theatre Company and choose to mock God when I mention Him, or you are in my church and know me well; whether you are the mean guy who pushes the carts at Weis Markets or my friend who says they believe in God but won't commit much more than that, I am burdened for you.
God has delivered me from a painful past. Women who have lived lives like mine usually get caught up in a life of alcohol, drugs and meaningless, loveless relationships - seeking love in all the proverbial wrong places and ending up emptier than empty. (yes, that is possible.)
God has directed my paths. All I had to do was start walking - learning to rely on Him and praise Him when the storms were blowing - seeing His truth in all of my circumstances.
God has healed me. One by one, my infections of FEAR, sarcasm and rage are disappearing. He is replacing the ugliness with a new countenance.
God loves me. He loves you, but for whatever reason, you keep Him at arm's length, or maybe even a mile away. Someone somewhere, hurt you or rejected you along the way and when you think of God you think to yourself, "I'll never be good enough for God's Love, so why should I even try."
Well, friend, my Bible tells me "For God so loved the world, He gave His only Son, that whosoever believeth in Him, shall have eternal life." God "so loved (you)" He gave His son to die, and it wasn't a pretty death either. At that moment of His death, even God turned His face. For at that moment Jesus represented all of the sin and the ugliness of the world - of you and me. Talk about rejection, especially when Jesus didn't deserve it.
I am burdened for you. And why? Because I want this for you. I want you to be healed. I want you to be freed from the vicious cycle of walking, falling down, and having to pull yourself back up. I want you to experience the fullness of God's love for you. I want you to know what that's like. I want your freedom!
I want you to experience true forgiveness - forgiveness for yourself, your offenders and maybe even God. I want you to be able to forgive your offenders, but first you have to repent of the hatred you have held in your own hearts against those offenders. Yes you have, don't pretend you haven't hated them for all these years.
You then need to ask God to call up every offender in the movie screen of your brain. One by one, forgive them. This may take awhile.
Then, you have a couple of options, you can come accountable to those you've hurt, or not. We can let God work that one out.
But finally, you have to forgive God. Don't deny you've been mad at Him, too. You have. Admit it. Also, it's here that you might have to forgive yourself for being the wayward child that you've been. You did some ugly things while you were off the path God designed for you. You let yourself down and you haven't forgiven yourself. Yes you did, don't deny it. We all have.
Then, believe and receive. Believe in His word. Receive His love. God's Love is not conditional.
Tell me how I can help you. Tell me where I need to go to reach you. The weight on my heart still hasn't lifted. I am still in debt to you. I still have great conflict for you. But until you tell me or God shows me what I can do for you or how I can reach you, I can only continue to pray for you, and I will.
Jesus died for you.