Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Refiner's Fire

     I hereby proclaim that I am ready to give birth to this book. Do you here that, he who shall not be named? I refuse to name him because he has no authority over my life. I have overworked this book for nine long years, while I have also processed debilitating trauma and have come out healed. This time, no one will stop me.
     I must say I have been having the time of my life in recent months. I am excelling at my job. I passed my certification exam to become a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. I have been diligently writing my book, spending time creating, painting, and wedding planning; I am in love, and I have two beautiful daughters. Have there been bumps in the road? Sho' nuff, But I am nothing, if not resilient. Resiliency is one of the good byproducts of Complex Trauma. When I stumble, I run to my Daddy. Even when the path has been smooth, He has been here beside me, above me, below me, within me. I am out of my Daddy Hole. It has been completely filled in with a Spiritual Father's love, and for the first time in my life, a love of self.
     If I am to believe that this recent "test" was placed before me by God, I could maybe rationalize that it was to make sure I was really up to the task. But I don't believe it was God. It hurt too much. I won't say He didn't use my pain as a refiner's fire to further ordain the writing of this book, but no, the enemy used feelings of fear, confusion, guilt, regret, and sadness to tear my beloved mother apart and cause her to question the writing of my book. I won't disclose all of the details; we have since made our peace. I will tell you that a few short sentences out of the mouth of my number one fan brought my world crashing down.

"I want to talk to you about your book. I really don't like the title. Chronic Trauma? Really, Danielle? Your life wasn't that bad.Your dad loved you. He didn't beat you."

     Our brains do a lot to protect the psyche. We rationalize, justify, enable, and make excuses for those who have offended us. I tried to explain to my mother that Chronic Trauma does not mean that my life was a traumatic event every day of my life, but rather because there were multiple events throughout my life, my neurological wiring misfires in its attempt to interpret social cues. My hyper-vigilance makes me jump. When my daughter was 2 years old, she jumped up along side the recliner chair to give me a kiss, I almost punched her. I still have that reaction if anyone puts their face in my face unexpectedly.
     I think I nearly passed out as I listened to my mother's words. My mother, my hero, was invalidating my feelings and my memories. She  defended my father and reminded me of all the times he showed up at concerts and games, When I said, "He never came to my games," she retorted, "Well maybe he was working." I was using my mantra at this moment, "Perception is reality. Perception is reality." Deep down in the pit of my soul, or maybe it was my stomach, I heard a voice say, "Oh my gosh, I'm just not going to write the book." Then I envisioned myself clicking "delete" on the file on my desktop. For a moment, I felt afraid. This is when I recognized that this was a spiritual battle.
     I am not going to lie and say I didn't cry for almost 12 hours in total, because I did. My mother called the next day and we talked. She apologized for invalidating my feelings. We're cool. She's the most amazing mom in the world. But now, you must know, that I am on fire. This book isn't about me, it's about you. It's about the mirroring of our stories. It's about the pain of our pasts and how to stop it from spilling onto future generations. It's about forgiveness, peace, and healing. It's about being filled with a True Father's love.

     I have reached the top of Maslow's Hierarchy and I am giving back from the depth of my own self-actualization! I want to reach your friends and your families with a message of hope. I speak from a place of complete healing, where there is no more pain, shame, or guilt from the past. My Father has made a way where there was no way. My Father made sure that no weapon formed against me ever prospered. My Father has worked all things for the good in me, and He is worthy of all praise! It is all for His Glory!
     So, yeah, that hurt, but I'm still standing. I'm putting on my sweatbands and wristbands, and I'm getting ready to duke it out. I will fight until I finish! Hallelujah!