Monday, June 01, 2009

Just Breathe

Apparently, God must be thinking I haven't been busy enough. In actuality, maybe I haven't been that busy. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I've gone back to school on-line. I'm writing a book, managing a household, raising children and attending church which really equates with helping in the nursery. Oh, and yes I still have a theatre company but we haven't been that busy lately either. Most days in recent months, I spend my time working out, cleaning whatever I can and working on school and writing. It's been manageable.

But now I'm feeling as if I'm standing on a precipice not knowing whether to jump or, just like in the Indiana Jones movie, take a step towards an invisible path which may or may not be under the foot of that first step. Suddenly, everything is changing and I'm filled with all of these emotions and physical flutterings in my chest which feel like anxiety, but yet I'm not willing to call them anxiety. I am done with feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed. I think.

Today I start two courses: "Introduction to Mental Health Counseling" and "Professional Ethics and Identity in the Counseling Profession." I took the time to look at my expected coursework this week and immediately those pangs of fear started to creep over me. It's going to be a lot of work. It's going to be a long twelve weeks. This doesn't even scratch the surface of my upcoming responsibilities.

The theatre company has decided to do Hamlet. I love Hamlet, however, it is the longest play Shakespeare ever wrote. I've already spent two full days editing it so that the audience's backsides don't go numb while the play is performed. It still needs help. Three nights a week will never be enough time to dedicate to this monstrosity.

Ellen is done with school on Friday. Now, I've been looking forward to this day for some time. My dream for this summer was to spend as much time as possible with the girls as I possibly could. Zoe starts Kindergarten in August and this might possibly be my last summer that I'm not working. I plan to suck the marrow right out of it. The reality is, sometimes having two kids at home is more frustrating. I will have to be very careful about my approach so the schedule is followed and everyone is happy.

Beyond all of this, it's summer. There are flowers and vegetables to try to keep alive, a yard to mow, vacations to plan. Can you see how my head might be spinning? Ellen's birthday is in July, I'm hoping to have a nice party this year. Oh! And both girls have just informed me they want to be in the Harvest Festival Pageant this year. So I'm now hunting for adorable dresses and dressy casual outfits for September. Did I ever tell you I hate to shop?

Finally, I've just become involved with a community ministry called, "The Bridge." It was a vision God had given me and which I even wrote about in a fictional novel in October. Community Mennonite Fellowship and the Hand Up Foundation members were also given the same vision. On June 7th, the vision becomes action. We are taking Christ's Love to the streets - something I have been desiring to do for oh so long.

It's going to be busy, even daunting at times to get through these twelve weeks. But then I take a breath and remember: He leadeth me, He leadeth me, by His own hand, He leadeth me. I remember what our Lord spoke to me when I was let go from the Pregnancy Care Center. He said so simply and so beautifully, "Be still and know that I am God." I remember the spiritual pregnancy that I have experienced, the birth of my new self, the intricate ways in which God has gotten me from what I consider to be "Unsteady Faith" to "Unshakeable Faith," and I again hear His voice saying, "Do not fear for I am with you." God is with me. He is always with me, helping to bear the yoke, helping to lighten the burden. I am so absolutely humbled that a God like Him chose to have a relationship with a wretch like me.

So I stand on this precipice with no, not anxiety, but hopeful anticipation. I can't wait to see what God will do these next twelve weeks. I'm ready to take the next step.