Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Getting Really Personal...

I’m gonna let you all in on a little secret.

(Big Gulp, here goes)

I suffer from the Big “D” – DEPRESSION. I use Zoloft regularly to manage this. But there is one problem: I can’t figure out the dosage. If I take my prescribed amount daily, it feels as if it is building up in my system and I start to feel more aggressive, more manic. Then, I have to break the pills in half for a few days until my body feels deficiency again. That’s when I start to feel (as Sister Kim so nicely put in one of her sermons) like I’m going to “twist the cat’s head off.” Luckily, I don’t have a cat!

I’ve had a lot going on lately. A few shows to direct and choreograph, a Musical Theatre Workshop to direct, dance classes to teach, kids to raise, a house to clean, a husband to keep happy, wow, I really could go on and on. But we’ve all had that, haven’t we? I mean I am not alone in feeling over-stressed. But money’s been tight and so I may or may not have let a few days go by without medicine.

So then, tonight, I’m feeling pretty stretched. So I plan to get my prescription refilled and Bam! I’m out of refills.

I’ve been also feeling like “Darn it! I’m tired of being a slave to a pill! My God’s bigger than this blasted biochemical disorder!" And then, like fireflies in the night, images started flashing through my brain: Brother Brian Johnson goofin’ around at Shakespeare rehearsal tonight; Hugging Sister Rosalind Hamilton at church on Sunday; Driving through Wal-Mart Parking Lot one night and feeling something telling me to “look up,” and there was Sister Cora looking right at me, waving.

I can’t count how many times I run into Sister Jill in the oddest of places throughout the week. Her smile brightens my day and her hugs warm my heart. The images flashed of working with her on the musical and how I could not stop crying the night the show, “Down By the Creek Bank,” opened, watching those sweet little souls proclaiming Jesus’ name!

The Dance Team, Holy Expressions, telling The Story through Dance! My faithful friends here: Lisa Rae, Sarah and Roze, and my faithful friends far away: Mindy, Michelle, and Cherri. My Family. My Children. My Husband.

All of the sudden, I started smiling and I felt energy flow through me as if I had just done an hour-long session of Yoga. I began to rejoice as positive energy was pulsing through my body and I rejoiced, dear friends, that God put you in my life. If you are receiving this, it is because I have an invested interest in who you are in the body of Christ. You have somehow been an example to me, or maybe you have spoken a kind word to me which encouraged me, you may have unknowingly sustained me, so I have chosen YOU as the recipient of this writing.

I rejoiced that I am BLESSED. No one can replace my children and husband. They are incredibly dear to my heart. I have a BEAUTIFUL family. I have so much for which to be thankful. How can I get depressed????

Then the verse comes to my heart:
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.

So then, as if I wasn’t already flying high enough, God gives me this VISION. I am on a stage performing a One Woman, Christian Dramatic Comedy. The script will be written as I weave together these blog postings into one major play. Whew! Can ya see it now?!

So I get on my little magic box here, and I punch in Psalms 51:10-13 and I read “Create in me...” Yup, I got all the words right! And then! What’s this??? Verse 13??? That’s not in the song!!!

Verse 13: Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will be converted to You.


Can you say “I’ve got, I’ve got the Victory, I’ve got the sweet, sweet Victory in Jesus”??????? (Do the dance now!)

I claim Victory over Depression in JESUS’ NAME! I thank God, and praise God every time I think of you!!! God has a plan for my life!!!! Can depression gain one foothold in my life ever again???

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, All. I pray each of you finds this Sweet Victory if you are still searching for it. I pray for a continued sustaining spirit among the members and leaders of Revival Tabernacle. I pray for the continued strengthening of the cords of family and friendships. I pray that my beautiful children and husband will see me as an example, and our love for God and each other will continue to grow.