Monday, August 07, 2006

My Legs Are Asleep

Once again, I've hit a storm in my life.

Bills - we're talking BIG bills have started flying into my mailbox. You know those bills that the insurance company was supposed to have paid four years ago, and somehow, through some mix-up they're being forwarded to you - unpaid by the insurance company, and you're being told it's too late to re-submit them? Yeah those bills.

Housework. Okay, I have four kids. I know my house is going to be messy MOST of the time. But why, when I am in the middle of sorting through clothes in my dining room - as in having washed and dried them in the basement, hauled them up to the dining room, folded them and was in the midst of sorting them to make one box for the Salvation Army, one for the Pregnancy Care Center, and three more boxes for what I call the hand-me-down-trickle-down-effect, i.e., Ellen gets Darianne's clothes; Julian gets Ellen's unisex t-shirts and shorts, and Zoe might possibly get all of the above if they last long enough; must my toilet spring a leak directly above the table where I was sorting all of these, may I remind you, CLEAN clothes, and send water crashing through the ceiling all over said clothes???

Hubby. I'm going to be real upfront and honest with you on this one. Derek will never read this because he's afraid of computers. My Husband needs Your Prayers Right Now. I won't even try to explain it. Let's just say he's miserable, which makes me miserable, which makes our family life MISERABLE. Something is at work in him and it is having quite the effect on our marriage. He needs to be lifted up and only the power of God and Prayer can achieve this!

My Parents. I know my Mom will read this, but I know the Power of Prayer! My Parents need your PRAYERS! There I said it, and I'm not sad that I did. God bless Mom, she's put up with my dad and his addiction for 33 years - and still nothing is getting any better - in fact, its getting worse. My dad lost his job a couple of years ago due to his drinking. No one will hire a soon-to-be fifty-five year old man. My dad needs to come to the waters of Baptism and fully surrender his life to Jesus Christ - and in that surrender, he needs to be delivered from the power of Alcoholism. Satan's work in my dad's life has affected the rest of us for far too long. We ALL need to be LOOSED!

Oh! And did I mention that I started waitressing at a local restaurant? Yeah, I did. I thought a little money in my pocket might help out. Soooo, I walk in there Friday night and am told the restaurant is closing. I'm out of a job - again. Oh, and I won't be paid for the hours I've worked so far either.

So, in the midst of my storm, I'm feeling, well, stormy. Lots of water coming out of my eyes... lots of wind coming out of my mouth.... but in the eye of the storm, I know God. In my very core I have a sense of calm about me. I know God can and I know God will. And yet more tears... less wind.

So I went to church yesterday as my heart felt that's where I really needed to be. The songs were uplifting, yet I remained not uplifted. I just kept crying with this "Woe is me" attitude. The preaching spoke right to me, but I was still too busy feeling sorry for myself. When Brother Brian was speaking about "Three Little Words: Arise and Walk," my eyes again filled up with tears. Yes! That's what I need to do. I need to Arise and Walk! But deep down I felt myself say: "My legs are asleep".

And so my humbug attitude continued until this morning. I made a conscious effort to sit on my back porch and pray before the Lord. I put all my needs before Him and told Him I was now going to do my Devotions, as promised. I would blog about all of this turmoil and I was going to do anything I could to find Him so that I might "Arise and Walk"! I searched some scripture, I read my previous posts and of course, it was all there.

My own lessons: "Let the Son Shine In," "An Oasis in the Desert, not a Mirage," "Sometimes it's So Obvious," and 'Learning Lessons" all -- ALL keep bringing me back to the same lesson that God is trying to instill in me. And then today's scripture brought it home:

Luke 18:31-34
Then He took the twelve aside and said to them, "Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and all things which are written through the prophets about the Son of Man will be accomplished."

"My Utmost For His Highest" states:
The bravery of God in trusting us! You say - "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing in me; I am not of any value." That is why He chose you. As long as you think there is something in you, He cannot choose you because you have ends of your own to serve; but if you have let Him bring you to the end of your self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss with you.

We are apt to say that because a man has natural ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues of strength of character, knowledge, and experience - all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing that avails is that we are taken up into the big compelling of God and made His comrades. The comradeship of God is made up out of men who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the man who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out for the cause of God, which can never be our cause. We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being continually assailed."

God wants me at the end of my self-sufficiency. He can use me not in my feeling of "being equipped for God" but in my Poverty. "We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right." How long must I continue to let God down when I begin to get all upset when the storms blow? When will I be mature enough to stay calm and know that He is in control?

I am walking now. I have gone through the "pins and needles" stage, however painful, and my legs are beginning to walk - however humbled. I must also look deeper into today's scripture and see ".... all things which are written through the prophets about the Son of Man will be accomplished." This world is temporary. These problems are beyond microscopic in the scheme of God's plan for this world, in the blueprint of God's plan for me. And you. And Our God is Bigger and Greater and More Powerful than all of the problems in this world.

Today, let HIM blow your storms away.

P.S. Moments after I posted this, my father called me to tell me he got a job, which means I get to do his job of delivering newspapers for awhile, which will certainly help my situation. Praise God for again delivering "A Cup of Instant-Answered Prayer". Please continue to pray for my family's spiritual and emotional healing.

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