The Naked Turtle

Can the Message Get Any Clearer?

2009-11-12T12:12:00.007-05:00

I woke up this morning with a message from God speaking clearly through my morning-foggy brain.

"The more your carnal inner self kicks and screams, the more you should realize I am doing my greatest work."

Wow.

I just accepted a management position at McDonald's. Yes, I said McDonald's. As part of my Unemployment Insurance Compensation, I am required to prove that I have applied for at least two jobs per week. So, I applied at McDonald's. I mean, it wasn't like any of the other places I had applied were calling me for an interview. But, as much as I didn't really want this job, the owners called me, interviewed me, called me back to tell me what an amazing person they thought I was, and offered me the job. I accepted.

I have a college education and nonprofit management development certification. I am a certified grant writing specialist. I am a current graduate student at Walden University in the Mental Health counseling program. I am the founder and director of a theatre company. I worked for years as a community planner with a beautiful salary, company car, and company phone. But now I am going to go work at McDonald's.

God and I have a history of fighting over where I think I should be in life and where He wants me to be. Living back in Milton was not exactly my dream for myself as I pictured it as a child. In fact, I wanted to be as far away from here as I could possibly get. I was going to be a famous actress, or at least a well-paid professional. I was going to have a husband, children and lots of stuff. In my mind, that's the way it was going to be, and no one could tell me differently.

But when I went to college outside of Philadelphia, I realized I could never live in the city. I like grass and rocks too much. While I was there, I realized the only relationships that really mattered to me were those of my parents and grandparents and I really wanted to be closer to them. I really wanted to raise my children so that "weekends at grandma's" were a real possibility - and not just for my benefit. I wanted my children to have the amazing connection with their grandparents that I had with mine. So, I moved closer to home - just one town over.

Throughout the years, God has continued to poke me and prod me and pull me back into His purpose for my life. Over a year ago, in June of 2008 to be exact, I finally surrendered. He spoke to me quite plainly and said, "Be still and know that I am God." A peace washed over me like never before in my life. Through a wonderful mastering of life events, He brought me back to Milton to this beautiful home in which I now sit. I was still kicking and screaming internally, but I knew God was in control. He started making things happen for both the theatre company and the town of Milton. I could go on and on and on as to how the Lord has continued to bless me and provide for me since I've returned to this place I once despised. He even changed my heart and showed me how to love it.

Although I've spent the past nearly eighteen months looking for a job in the counseling field, while I'm in grad school, I know I need something a little less mentally and spiritually draining. I'm not saying management of a fast-paced restaurant is brainless. I certainly know it's not. But I think I need a job that will get me out of the house and when I clock out, the work stays behind for the next shift to deal with. I'm certain God knew that too.

My final destination as a manager will be at the Milton McDonald's. God really has a sense of humor, doesn't He? After accepting the position, the questioning set in. What if I have horrible shifts? What if I can't accommodate my kids' schedules because I'm working all the time? What if I hate it and I'm tired and I can no longer keep my house clean and the laundry done? What if, what if, what if?

Then He woke me up this morning and reminded me, again, He's in control. The Milton McDonald's certainly is a mission field in and of itself. Perhaps, He needs me there. It is when I'm doing the most carnal kicking and screaming, that He is doing His greatest work.

I then received this forwarded email that seemed to fall right into today's theme:

Isn't It Strange?
Isn't it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping?

Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're at church, and how short they seem when you're watching a good movie?

Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when you're praying but you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend?

Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel?

Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or games but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row in Church?

Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3 weeks before the day so we can include it in our agenda, but we can adjust it for other events in the last minute?

Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about God to share it with others; but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?

Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines and newspapers say but we question the words in the Bible?

Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven but they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?

Isn't it strange how we send jokes in e-mails and they are forwarded right away but when we are going to send messages about God, we think about it twice before we share it with others?

I'm learning that despite all of my hopes and dreams for what God is going to do with me in the future, I really need to start paying attention to how He's changing me in the present. I've prayed to Him numerous times, "Just use me Lord". I guess He wants to use me at McDonald's.

Where does He want to use you? Do you think you're too good for certain situations, people, and positions? Do you think you know more about yourself than God does? I challenge you to consider how much your carnal self is fighting the work God is trying to do in your life.

Another email that I also received this morning follows. This is what loving God and living life is truly all about. May the Peace of God be with you now and always. Remember who's in control.

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
GOD is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of " Camp Complaining "
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there will be good times, and yes, some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

Doggy Obedience

2009-10-09T09:34:00.005-04:00

I have a dog.

I have always had dogs in my home, throughout my childhood and into my adulthood. I believe in giving a good home to at least one of the countless homeless animals in our country. I also believe having a dog somehow makes a home complete. Having a dog can teach children responsibility and the meaning of unconditional love. I know from experience not every dog is going to bring happiness to the household, but I also know that dogs will teach you much about yourself through your relationship with them. After the unfortunate passing of our last little four-footed monster, Shadow, I searched and searched through rescues, puppy mills, newspapers, and breeders for over two years. I finally found Bugsy Malone, our Shar-Pei/German Shepherd mix who is my newest "teacher."

We got Bugsy in March when he was eight weeks old. His wrinkly Shar-Pei face made it impossible for a person to not fall in love with him. Within a week, he was spoiled rotten, begging to be held and sleeping curled up on my chest. Potty training was a breeze and so were basic commands like "Sit," "Lay down," "Roll over," and "Shake". He learned in two days that he must wait patiently in the middle of the room while I fill his food and water each morning until I give the command "Action" (we're theatre people, after all). He even learned to sit straight and balance treats on his nose until we give the command. When "Action" is spoken, he quickly flips his head and catches the bone in his mouth.

Seven months later, and at 40 pounds, he is a big boy and can no longer curl up on my chest to sleep. If prenatal care in humans directly affects the health and mental development of a baby, well then, at least we have an excuse for Bugsy's lack of mental prowess. His mama was found as a stray, severely underweight, Heartworm positive, and with a cherry eye. The good people at PA Stray Save in Berwick helped nurse mama back to health after her eight puppies were born. Despite Bugsy's ability to learn commands, the rest of his behaviors are... well... rather dumb. But this, of course, is where all good lessons lie.

Every day, I take Bugsy on a three-mile walk. We head down Front Street and cross the bridge over to the island between Milton and West Milton. We walk down the ramp to the island, go under the bridge and walk the South Trail all the way to the very tip of the island. I let Bugsy off his leash and allow him to take a drink from the river. When he's had his fill, which is, of course, determined by how hot it is on any given day, he returns to me so I can put him back on his leash and we return back the way we came.

We have settled into a rhythm of sorts. With my headphones on and my MP3 player blasting Christian artists like Smokie Norful or the "I Can Only Imagine" compilation CD in my ears, I find my stride and sometimes sing out loud while walking. For me, the primary reason for my walk is to just find some time to spend with God. I listen intently to every word being sung in my ears. I sometimes hear a lyric which pierces my heart and brings me to tears. I find myself giving praise to God for every message He has put on these songwriters' hearts and walk on.

But even though my mind is on God while I walk my dog, it is through this daily practice God has helped me to see a truth in the dog and man relationship which mirrors our relationship with Him.

Bugsy has learned to respond to me, and I to him. We have gotten to the point in our relationship where his leash is like a steering wheel. I need only to nudge it one way or gently pull it the other to steer him in the right direction. He doesn't turn around and look at me for reassurance, he simply feels the tug on his neck and responds to where I'm leading him. In the distance, if I see a person or a car pulling out of an alley, I wind up his chain around my hand and pull him closer to protect him. He's still a puppy and wants to jump at everyone he meets, so I'm also protecting him from getting into trouble with people. When the danger is gone, I let out his leash and he continues on.

Rarely does Bugsy lag behind, but occasionally, he will see a squirrel, or a leaf roll by and try to dart ahead. I give him a yank on his leash and pull him back into our stride. Most of the time, one yank will do it.

Sometimes, the incline of the bridge is steep. It is here, going up hill, where I find Bugsy slowing down and losing steam so that he ends up walking right by my side.

Once we are on the island, Bugsy gets playful. Maybe it's the wide open space, or the abundance of sticks, but over and over again he tries to snatch something off the ground and take it along on our journey. I usually ignore it and eventually he'll drop it until the next thing he sees. Then we get on the trail. The trail is a well marked path with lots of obstacles - hills, valleys, tree roots, rocks, fallen branches, and more. For ease of walking, it is very important to stay on the path.

Bugsy varies from day to day on how well he can keep his sight on the path. Some days, it's as if he knows that at the tip of the island is the refreshing water to which I'm leading him. Other days, he darts and twists and yanks the whole way there with every stick, rock, or scent he finds. On days like these, his yanking and sudden jerking either completely trips me up or sends a shockwave of pain through my sciatic nerve. One day he actually jumped up and bit my butt for no apparent reason, just his need to be playful (German Shepherds use their mouths to play). I give him an, albeit, more forceful yank and try to get his attention back on the path.

I've been collecting these "Dog + Human mirrors Human + God" messages for about two weeks now. But just when I thought I had a clear picture on what God was trying to reveal to me, Tuesday struck. Bugsy and I settled into our routine all the way to the island. He pooped a few more times than usual (more on that later) but other than that, it was like any walk. We got to the tip of the island, I let him off his leash, he took his drink. But when the time came for him to get back on his leash, he decided to play "keep away."

Round and round he ran, darting yards ahead of me, then rushing back. Just when I thought he was coming to me so I could put his leash on him, he'd take off again. I thought to myself "I should give him credit since he is coming back to me and seems afraid to go too far without me," but because he was not following basic commands of "Cut" or "Sit," I found myself growing angry. I carry a rolled up newspaper to correct him when he has these moments of disobedience. He finally came close enough to me that I was able to tackle him to the ground, give him three swats wth the newspaper on his backside and put him back on his leash. I held his chin in my hand and said, "Don't you ever do that again.... Let's go!" I resumed walking, well, more like stomping in my fury and then the strangest thing happened.

Suddenly, it was as if Bugsy feared me. He kept turning around and looking at me sheepishly, nearly cringing. If I gave his leash a little nudge, he winced. He didn't dare stop for any sticks or do his usual attempt to romp and play when we came out of the woods. It was almost as if he finally realized I meant business.

In your Christian walk, I'm sure you feel the gentle pulling and nudging of God's "leash" on you. He's trying to keep you moving forward on the path; He's trying to lead you to refreshing water. Along the way, He pulls you in to protect you from harm, but He gives you free will and allows you to continue to walk ahead. When you're facing your mountains, He's there right beside you.

But how many times in our Christian walk, do we try to dart off when something flutters by? How many times do we pick up a new habit (stick) and try to take it along on our journey? How many times do we get distracted, step off our path, yank and jerk until we bring pain to God, and even sometimes bite Him in the butt with our ways?

Because of our routine, Bugsy poops in the same places on his walk always within a few feet of garbage cans. I, always armed with plastic bags, quickly scoop the poop up and place it in the trash receptacles. But on a day like Tuesday when Bugsy pooped a few more times, I ended up having to carry his poop for awhile until I could find a place to deposit it. I know it's gross, but there's a spiritual truth here, so I had to share this information.

How quickly God gets rid of our own personal poop, but sometimes we put Him in a position where He has to carry it a bit longer. When we make mistakes which not only affect us but also the others around us, He's the one left with the cleanup. He's the one who has to mend the hearts and restore the souls left in our wake, not us. We already have our minds on the next stick.

Finally, why does God have to tackle us to the ground and give us a couple of "Life's Swats" in order to gain our attention again. Sometimes we run around and around God - close enough so that we know He is still there, but still in our own place of play and disobedience. And suddenly, when He corrects us, we're surprised! We start looking behind us to see what other danger lurks because we know we're getting spiritually corrected. But if we had stayed on the path and did what we were told in the firstplace, we would have no reason to fear. We could be free to simply walk with God in His undeniable love for us!

Sometimes we act like dumb dogs. God chose us and gave us a place in His home. He gives us food and water, protects us and cares for us. But sometimes, we want what we want, get too easily distracted or simply disobey our Master's call.

When we got home from our walk, I was still fuming. Bugsy kind of collapsed on the floor and hung his head in shame while I detailed the events to Derek. Derek shook his head in disbelief and Bugsy continued to pout.

But then comes the best part. After I had calmed down, Bugsy came to me and lay his head in my lap with his little pointed eyebrows and his pleading eyes. "You know I love you," I said. And with that he jumped up, putting his forelimbs across my lap and burying his head under my arm - the only cuddle position he fits in anymore. Then I added, "You better start listening."

And with that, I was reminded again how our Master handles us. When we finally deal with our shame and come back to Him with a sorrowful heart, He welcomes us back into His arms and reminds us of His love for us.

Okay Lord, I'm listening.

Successful Summer

2009-09-14T11:08:00.001-04:00

Sometimes life seems like a blur. I don’t know if you experience the same thing, but because of my Event Planner brain, my life is a continuous stream of “Plan. Execute. Recover.” I then humorously like to add my favorite line off of every shampoo bottle, “Lather. Rinse. Repeat.”

In my last post - yes, the one that was dated in June - I was in the planning stage. I stood at that very place where one often has to envision with great clarity what the next leg of the journey will look like. It seemed daunting and overwhelming, but then I realized God brought me here and He’s always with me. Who was I to fear?

This summer consisted of:

- Ten weeks of “Hamlet,” my theatre company’s tenth annual Shakespeare-in-thePark production.
- Twelve weeks of two very difficult courses towards my MS in Mental Health Counseling.
- Sending Zoe off to “Jump Start” to help her overcome her incredible shyness in preparation for Kindergarten.
- Preparing both girls for the annual Harvest Festival Mini Miss and Jr. Miss pageants.
- Keeping a flower garden alive and beautiful.
- Keeping vegetables growing in the zaniest weather patterns I’ve ever experienced.
- Spending every last moment I could find, swimming and playing with my children during what might possibly be my last summer of unemployment.
- Keeping a house clean.
- Keeping a husband happy.

The list goes on, but these were indeed, the most important highlights.

He leadeth me again. I rested in His hands. I gave it all to Him and He blessed my every step with His presence.

“Hamlet” was Gaspipe Theatre Company’s greatest triumph, thus far.
I was able to maintain my 4.0 in my coursework.
Zoe did beautifully well in Jump Start and let’s just say it was Mommy who did the most crying the day the girls started school.
The pageants took place yesterday and both girls made me burst with pride.
The gardens are still alive; the vegetables are still coming.
I can truly say there is not one ounce of regret in me for time lost with the children this summer. We spent every moment we could as a family, creating memories which I hope will last their whole lives.
My house is still clean.
Yesterday, Derek and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. With God’s help, we continue to strengthen our marriage every day.

There were bonuses, too. Because of my obedience in returning to Milton, despite my internal kicks and screams, God is bringing my greatest dream of creating a Center for the Arts to life. I will be working with the Milton Library to create a Center for the Arts in the new facility that the Library just purchased.

And finally, as if I deserved one more blessing, at the end of my twelve weeks of school, when everything was finally settling down, by some miracle of miracles, God gave me two weeks off to write. These two weeks off from classes began the very day the girls went back to school. My agent had made contact with a couple of publishers who were interested in my book, I just couldn‘t find the time to clean it up and finish it out. But God gave me two glorious weeks of clarity and insight (and a quiet house) and last Tuesday, I gave birth to my new manuscript, “Climbing Out of the Daddy Hole.” Prayers for “Uncommon Favor” are greatly appreciated.

I will admit, after the plan was laid out, each step of the way was a bit blurry. I had moments where I felt like I was standing outside of myself, watching myself in action. I mentally would stop myself and experience a “reality check”. “I’m doing it. I don’t know how, but I’m here and it’s happening.” The final performance of “Hamlet” came and went. Zoe got off the Jump Start bus one last time. The grades were posted. The pool closed. School started. I submitted my book and received my agent’s approval.

The Recovery periods from each and every item on my list were glowing. There’s no better word to describe them. Every task, every paper, every show was a complete success.

Now it’s all in the past and I sit here, planning out the next leg: two more classes, a residency in October, cheerleading practices, birthdays and Christmas. The list, again, goes on.

But there’s something different this time. There is no dread, no feeling of being overwhelmed. I suddenly understand the very heart of Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

My God is in me, above me, beneath me, before me, behind me, on either side of me. He has my back in all times. He restores my energy, my strength, and gives me hope with every new morning. When the storms are raging, I‘ve learned to praise Him. He is my All in all.

Is He yours? Have you yet learned how to go to Him as a child and let Him be your Daddy? Have you learned to trust? Have you learned to obey? Have you experienced the awesome magnitude of Him working through you and the blessings of dreams realized?

Go to your Father and lean on Him. Then plan, execute, and recover. Psalms 23 should assure you that “His goodness and mercy will follow you” and “out of you.” John 7:38 reminds us, “shall flow rivers of living water.”

It might possibly be that the blur you experience is when God completely takes over and works out the good for those who love Him.

What an awesome, humbling, amazing place to be - caught in the blur of our Master’s work.

Just Breathe

2009-06-01T12:43:00.005-04:00

Apparently, God must be thinking I haven't been busy enough. In actuality, maybe I haven't been that busy. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I've gone back to school on-line. I'm writing a book, managing a household, raising children and attending church which really equates with helping in the nursery. Oh, and yes I still have a theatre company but we haven't been that busy lately either. Most days in recent months, I spend my time working out, cleaning whatever I can and working on school and writing. It's been manageable.

But now I'm feeling as if I'm standing on a precipice not knowing whether to jump or, just like in the Indiana Jones movie, take a step towards an invisible path which may or may not be under the foot of that first step. Suddenly, everything is changing and I'm filled with all of these emotions and physical flutterings in my chest which feel like anxiety, but yet I'm not willing to call them anxiety. I am done with feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed. I think.

Today I start two courses: "Introduction to Mental Health Counseling" and "Professional Ethics and Identity in the Counseling Profession." I took the time to look at my expected coursework this week and immediately those pangs of fear started to creep over me. It's going to be a lot of work. It's going to be a long twelve weeks. This doesn't even scratch the surface of my upcoming responsibilities.

The theatre company has decided to do Hamlet. I love Hamlet, however, it is the longest play Shakespeare ever wrote. I've already spent two full days editing it so that the audience's backsides don't go numb while the play is performed. It still needs help. Three nights a week will never be enough time to dedicate to this monstrosity.

Ellen is done with school on Friday. Now, I've been looking forward to this day for some time. My dream for this summer was to spend as much time as possible with the girls as I possibly could. Zoe starts Kindergarten in August and this might possibly be my last summer that I'm not working. I plan to suck the marrow right out of it. The reality is, sometimes having two kids at home is more frustrating. I will have to be very careful about my approach so the schedule is followed and everyone is happy.

Beyond all of this, it's summer. There are flowers and vegetables to try to keep alive, a yard to mow, vacations to plan. Can you see how my head might be spinning? Ellen's birthday is in July, I'm hoping to have a nice party this year. Oh! And both girls have just informed me they want to be in the Harvest Festival Pageant this year. So I'm now hunting for adorable dresses and dressy casual outfits for September. Did I ever tell you I hate to shop?

Finally, I've just become involved with a community ministry called, "The Bridge." It was a vision God had given me and which I even wrote about in a fictional novel in October. Community Mennonite Fellowship and the Hand Up Foundation members were also given the same vision. On June 7th, the vision becomes action. We are taking Christ's Love to the streets - something I have been desiring to do for oh so long.

It's going to be busy, even daunting at times to get through these twelve weeks. But then I take a breath and remember: He leadeth me, He leadeth me, by His own hand, He leadeth me. I remember what our Lord spoke to me when I was let go from the Pregnancy Care Center. He said so simply and so beautifully, "Be still and know that I am God." I remember the spiritual pregnancy that I have experienced, the birth of my new self, the intricate ways in which God has gotten me from what I consider to be "Unsteady Faith" to "Unshakeable Faith," and I again hear His voice saying, "Do not fear for I am with you." God is with me. He is always with me, helping to bear the yoke, helping to lighten the burden. I am so absolutely humbled that a God like Him chose to have a relationship with a wretch like me.

So I stand on this precipice with no, not anxiety, but hopeful anticipation. I can't wait to see what God will do these next twelve weeks. I'm ready to take the next step.

I need to write

2009-04-21T17:23:00.004-04:00

I need to write.

I need to write and I need to stop worrying about what the reader will think. I just need to write.

Winter funk stopped me from writing. See? I haven't posted anything since January 29th. It is now April 21st. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. The agent came back to me after having the manuscript for three months and told me I need to try again. She said, "Don't re-write, re-phrase." It was like a ginormous horse-kick to my stomach.

I tried, believe me, I tried. I wrote myself in circles and ended up deleting every word out of sheer disgust. I sent the manuscript to a writer's service for their feedback. More criticism and more discouragement followed. Less writing followed again.

I enrolled in my master's degree program at Walden University to get my MS in Mental Health Counseling. Because it is an online school, nearly all of the homework applications are writing assignments. For five weeks, I had a 100% in the class. Then suddenly, the prof started getting tougher, deducting a tenth of a point here and there. My assignments, which were once something I looked forward to, are now turning into something I'm dreading.

Do you see the pattern? I receive criticism, whether constructive or not, and I find myself completely unable to move forward. I don't know where it began, but I do remember years ago in junior high and high school, being praised for my writing ability by countless teachers. But when I got to college, during my very first semester I had a professor who hated everything I wrote. That was 1992. It took me until 2006 to dare to write again.

I received this email devotional yesterday.

CAN A SAINT SLANDER GOD?

For all the promises of God in Him are yea, and in Him Amen. 2 Corinthians 1:20

Jesus told the parable of the talents recorded in Matthew 25 as a warning that it is possible for us to misjudge our capacity. This parable has not to do with natural gifts, but with the Pentecostal gift of the Holy Ghost. We must not measure our spiritual capacity by education or by intellect; our capacity in spiritual things is measured by the promises of God. If we get less than God wants us to have, before long we will slander Him as the servant slandered his master: "You expect more than You give me power to do; You demand too much of me, I cannot stand true to You where I am placed." When it is a question of God's Almighty Spirit, never say "I can't." Never let the limitation of natural ability come in. If we have received the Holy Spirit, God expects the work of the Holy Spirit to be manifested in us. The servant justified himself in everything he did and condemned his lord on every point - "Your demand is out of all proportion to what you give." Have we been slandering God by daring to worry when He has said: "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you"? Worrying means exactly what this servant implied - "I know You mean to leave me in the lurch." The person who is lazy naturally is always captious - "I haven't had a decent chance," and the one who is lazy spiritually is captious with God. Lazy people always strike out on an independent line. Never forget that our capacity in spiritual matters is measured by the promises of God. Is God able to fulfil His promises? Our answer depends on whether we have received the Holy Spirit.

I'm not placing blame on God. I really don't know where this ailment comes from. I really don't want to give the Enemy credit, but I do have to believe when a talent is God-given and meant to be used to advance the Kingdom, someone or something might want to stop that talent from coming forth. I see it every time our church tries to put on a play.

Go on devil! Bark up someone else's tree. I don't have time for you!

I refuse to slander God through my inability to put His talents to use. I will not let the battle be lost -the souls be lost - to procrastination and discouragement. I will continue to praise the Lord for His gift of the Holy Spirit who has brought me to such a time and place as this to reach the world with the story He walked with me.

Every day, I make the dreaded journey to the elliptical machine in the dining room to do my daily workout. I start with yoga, move on to do exercises with a stability ball. Sometimes, I even do the AbRocket - anything to procrastinate doing the 30 minutes on that machine. But as my obese frame finally gets into the rhythm of the music pouring from my headphones, I find my stride and begin to sing my favorite Smokie Norful song outloud and breathless, as the tears stream down my face.

I have decided,
determined... i'm committed
That i'll run no matter the cost
And I have decided,
determined... i'm committed
That i'll run
Even though at times I may get lost

I'm going to finish my race
I'm going to take my proper place
In the winning circle
I'm going to run anyway
I dont know where or when or how
But I know that i'm going to make it
Oh i'll run this race
Nestled safetly in amazing grace
I've made up my mind
And I dont have much time
But i'll run, Til I Finish

Overdue and Underdone

2009-01-29T13:06:00.010-05:00

I forgot to post my Praise Report. I neglected to invite you to my Hallelujah Dance. In my previous post, my faith held on to a wing and a prayer that my God would prove Himself to be the Great Provider that I know Him to be. Of course He did.

I was staring down the calendar, knowing my applications had been sent out, my interviews had been completed, but the last Unemployment payment was coming on Wednesday. I knew all week - I knew God would come through, some way, some how. I expected the phone to ring, the letter to come, the email to post. I rested on His promise to me that He's never seen the righteous forsaken or His seed go begging for bread. I told you before, He always comes through.

Every day that week, I woke up and waited in expectation. 'How was He going to do it this time,' I wondered. Monday rolled by, then Tuesday. Wednesday came, the remaining balance of my unemployment claim posted to my account and I spent the rest of the day writing. I wasn't fretting over how we were going to survive during the coming months. I spent a peaceful day with my husband just writing - continuing to do the work God has given me to do.

Then, Thursday morning arrived. For some reason, Derek decided to stay home that day. I love when Derek decides to stay home. After nearly eighteen years serving in the Big House, he needs an extra day here and there to keep his mind and soul in a good place. We were spending the morning cooking up breakfast fit for a king when I wandered to the mailbox.

A letter from the Department of Labor and Industry awaited me. I expected it to say something like, "Your UC benefits are now exhausted. Thanks for playing, now get a job." I almost didn't open it in my assumed knowledge of what it was. Curiosity got the best of me and I opened it up. "Congratulations," it read, "You are financially eligible for an extension on your UC claim for an additional 20 weeks."

I immediately called up L&I to make sure this wasn't a mistake. The woman on the phone, said, "Yes, your claim begins immediately, you can file this Sunday." I heard the joy in her voice arise as she heard the joy in mine.

I did a Hallelujah Dance. Derek came around the corner, wondering what was going on. "He came through, Derek. He always comes through." We both continued to praise God for His provision. I made sure my Facebook friends got a status update. I emailed my personal Prayer Warriors. I called my Mom. The subsequent weeks have held continuous praise. But then I remembered, I forgot to update you.

This is what brings me to why I have entitled this posting "Overdue and Underdone."

First, I left you hanging after my last post. This Praise Report was indeed, overdue. Maybe some of you out there needed the encouragement and the gentle reminder that God is Jehovah Jireh, Lord Provider. Maybe some of you needed to rejoice with me for a moment just so you could see His light in your darkness. Maybe.

But secondly, I'm going to get real personal with you right now. I am constantly being reminded of how much my praise is underdone. It's a little rare - in both meanings of the word. It doesn't reach its completion. I'm a little short on the follow-through. Maybe a lot of us have this same issue, or maybe it's just me. But not only did I fail to use this blog to give God praise, but I have gotten sucked into the lie of loneliness - again. I'm so tired of this trap, I'm ashamed to write this. But here I am, hoping that somehow my struggle will shine some light on your struggle and together, and with God's help, we will both be better for it in the end.

I believe I have intimated to you before how I've never made friends easily. My lifelong friends are strewn across the United States, but not here. This is why I love Facebook. I can keep in touch with all of my friends through my computer and it brings me great joy to be able to make someone smile across the miles.

Lately, my friends have been kind of quiet. My email inbox hasn't exactly been "dinging" too much. My husband and I are in a different place in our marriage at the moment. My one girlfriend who is here seems caught up in her own life. Nine times out of ten, if we make a date to do something together, she calls to cancel. Except for my neighbor who always needs something from me, and of course my children who always keep me hopping, I don't get too much social interaction - not for the sake of "togetherness," anyway.

It can be a lonely place to feel like you are not important to anyone unless they need something. I have spent entire days wallowing and crying in my loneliness. Monday was the last lonely day I experienced. When I was finally tired of my own pity party and decided to cry out to God, He simply responded, "Now you know how I feel." Ouch.

Of course the next morning's email devotion fell right in line.

From "My Utmost For His Highest":

Take no thought for your life. Matthew 6:25

"A warning which needs to be reiterated is that the cares of this world,
the deceitfulness of riches, and the lust of other things entering in, will
choke all that God puts in. We are never free from the recurring tides
of this encroachment. If it does not come on the line of clothes and food,
it will come on the line of money or lack of money; of friends or lack of
friends; or on the line of difficult circumstances. It is one steady
encroachment all the time, and unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise
up the standard against it, these things will come in like a flood.

"Take no thought for your life." "Be careful about one thing only," says
our Lord - "your relationship to Me."

Common sense shouts loud and says - "That is absurd, I must consider
how I am going to live, I must consider what I am going to eat and drink."
Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing the thought that this statement
is made by One Who does not understand our particular circumstances. Jesus
Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not
think about these things so as to make them the one concern of our life.
Whenever there is competition, be sure that you put your relationship to God first.

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." How much evil has begun to threaten
you to-day? What kind of mean little imps have been looking in and saying - Now
what are you going to do next month - this summer? "Be anxious for nothing,"
Jesus says. Look again and think. Keep your mind on the "much more" of your
heavenly Father."

What an awesome reminder was that. If I'm feeling lonely, I need only to turn to
the one who loves me most. My husband can't even love me as much as God loves me.
My parents can't love me as much as I God loves me. When loneliness enters in, how
dare I refuse to throw my arms around my heavenly Father and wallow in self pity?
God, I have learned, needs our love and devotion, too.

Yes, my praise has been overdue and underdone. But thank God for His faithfulness to me.
Surely, I may not be the greatest friend and my friends may not be able to fit me into their days.
But God - He is the greatest friend, Father, and Love there ever was and ever will be.

Let's continue to make our praise timely, continuous and complete.

Just what I needed

2009-01-02T11:25:00.009-05:00

Today, I saw a sparrow.

It was quietly hopping up the trunk of the tree behind my house, foraging for food in the cracks of the tree's bark. From what I could see, it was finding plenty to eat as it made its journey up and up, like a chicken pecking at seed.

I didn't know sparrows stuck around during winter months. I wouldn't know where they might go, but just as the Great Blue Herons which majestically soared up and down the river corridor have disappeared for this season, I figured sparrows might have to go elsewhere for their own survival as well. I guess I was wrong.

You might not know the significance seeing this little bird held for me this morning. Each morning, when I wake up, even in freezing temperatures, I make my way to my back deck and stare at the river. I take a moment to give God praise, which is easy to do when I see the wonder of His creation. Directly across the river from my house is Davis Island. I've spent countless hours watching the wildlife on the island and in the river - deer, wild turkey, muskrats, Canadian geese, herons of all kinds, ducks, and even the squirrels which scamper up and down my trees. I've watched a female Cardinal struggle for days to get the attention of a male, and occasionally a great big groundhog finds his way out from under the neighbors porch and makes his way down to the river. On a clear day, I can even see countless trout, bass and muskies swimming beneath the river's surface.

But today, there was no other wildlife to be seen. Today, I saw a sparrow.

It was this little bird feasting on everything it could find which spoke directly to my soul. Indeed, His eye is on the sparrow. "Thank you Jesus, for this reminder," my soul cried out. This is just what I needed.

God has been in the business of reorganizing my life for some time now. I will admit it, it has been very painful. For an overachiever like me, the pain of finding a job, working there for ten months and being "let go" over and over again has been one of the most crushing series of events of my life. Nothing else has hurt quite so much as knowing I consider myself a "career woman," but facing the rejection of job after job. This has warped the perspective in which I see myself, which has the tendency to bring me through dark periods of depression and a lack of self-worth.

On the brighter side, because hindsight is 20/20, I have seen His hand every step of the way. God has continually guided me to places, taught me lessons and revealed His truth, while maybe not-so-gently showing me there is a certain something He wants from me, or of me, and none of these jobs were "it."

I lost my last job in June. At this last place of employment, God did some amazing things to set me on my path. He aggressively dealt with the sins and pains of my past, healed me of those memories and even birthed a book in me whereby I may be able to bring healing to others. Deep stuff. And then, like the gentleman He is, He released me. He clearly spoke to me and told me, "Be still and know that I am God." Let's just say, I've been trying really hard to do what He said.

Then, He brought me back to Milton. This town had been filled with painful memories and places of judgment from my adolescence. But through the work He did on me at my last job, I was able to no longer wince when I thought of this community where I grew up. He ordained circumstances which allowed me to move here, to be blessed with a beautiful home. I still have no idea why He brought me here, but I know His hand is in it.

My Unemployment checks run out this coming week. Although I have applications and interviews under my belt, I have still heard nothing regarding these opportunities. With winter, the utility bills mount. So do things like tension and fear and seasonal depression.

But today, I saw a sparrow.

Afer praising God for His beautiful reminder, I turned to my email for my morning Devotion. Of course, again, He spoke.

From "My Utmost for His Highest":

WILL YOU GO OUT WITHOUT KNOWING?
He went out, not knowing whither he went. Hebrews 11:8

"Have you been "out" in this way? If so, there is no logical statement possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the difficulties in Christian work is this question - "What do you expect to do?" You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually revise your attitude towards God and see if it is a going out of everything, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in perpetual wonder - you do not know what God is going to do next. Each morning you wake it is to be a "going out," building in confidence on God. "Take no thought for your life,...nor yet for your body" - take no thought for the things for which you did take thought before you "went out."

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you go out in surrender to Him until you are not surprised an atom at anything He does?

Suppose God is the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him- what an impertinence worry is! Let the attitude of the life be a continual "going out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have an ineffable charm about it which is a satisfaction to Jesus. You have to learn to go out of convictions, out of creeds, out of experiences, until so far as your faith is concerned, there is nothing between yourself and God."

I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, where the next paycheck will come from, but God does. I have to learn to rest in that. I have continually spoken over myself, "Be still and know that He is God," "God is in control" and "I've never seen the righteous forsaken or His seed begging for bread" when the anxiety was rearing its ugly head. Faith. It's what we need more than anything else - Faith.

Do you have Faith? Do you know He has your back at all times? Do you know He is the greatest Father, Protector, Provider, Healer, Strong Deliverer, Peacemaker, Banner, Shepherd, Righteousness and Presence which ever was, is or is to come? Do you KNOW this? Can you search the depths of your heart and soul and erase all doubt that He always comes through? He ALWAYS comes through. I challenge you to name one time when the Lord didn't come through for you. He may not have come through in the way you wanted, but I bet He made it better in the way He wanted.

Today, I saw a sparrow. As much as I've leaned on the Lord for the past six months, this past month had me leaning on my own understanding again. Well, you know what the Bible says about that. It says "Lean NOT on your understanding." It also says, "Let not your heart be troubled, there is no reason to fear." It says a whole bunch of stuff that feels good when you read it or hear it preached, but is sometimes really hard to live out.

But today - with a little bird climbing up a tree and pecking at what I'm certain were probably bugs, the Lord spoke volumes into my life and clearly told me to share this message with you.

His eye is on the sparrow. Say it again. His eye is on the sparrow. One more time. His EYE is on the SPARROW. And so what? And so I know He watches over me (and You.)

Shine

2008-12-23T09:09:00.005-05:00

Zoe turned five on Friday. Although it hasn't been the easiest five years - she still refuses to sleep in her own bed all night, (can you say "exhaustion"?) - I'm relishing this final year of having the last of my children at home. She is extremely creative, highly inquisitive and the hours I spend with her, no matter how quickly fleeting, are always filled with her new observations and analyses.

Her latest "game" of sorts is kind of like "I Spy." Wherever we go, driving in the car, her little mouth never ceases. "Did you see that bird, Mommy?" "Oh look, they have a flag with butterflies on it." "Look, look, an icycle!" I try very hard to "see" what her eyes have found, while also keeping my car on the road.

Last week, my Ellen missed the bus - again. It had been a horrendous morning. I took Derek to work with kids in tow. I thought it would be nice to grab the girls some breakfast at the golden arches so we wouldn't be rushed to eat cereal when we got home. I had also realized I ran out of coffee at home and convinced myself if I just bought one cup from Mickey D's, I'd be good to go for the rest of the day.

I handed Ellen the keys and my coffee while I carried Zoe (wrapped in a blanket) to the door of our home. I still don't know how it happened, but as Ellen fumbled with the keys in the lock, my single cup of coffee crashed to the porch floor and exploded. I've never been one to scold children for spilled drinks because, hey, gravity happens. But, nonetheless, Ellen burst into tears. So by the time we got the tears dried and soul mended, her teeth brushed and her hair patted down (don't ask,) the big yellow school bus with the obnoxious flashing light on top went zooming past our house. Ugh. Back out into the cold we go!

On our way home from dropping Ellen off at school, Zoe started her game again. It's especially exciting for her right now with all of the Christmas decorations.

"Oh, Mommy, did you see that? They have a Santa Claus on their roof!"
"Mommy, Mommy, did you see Frosty the snowman?"
And then the one that struck me funny, "Uh-oh, Mommy, those two houses still have their lights on. That's a waste of e-lec-tricity. They should turn their lights off, huh, Mommy?"

I found myself explaining to this little mind how some people forget to turn off their lights, but then found myself preaching to myself as the words flowed out of my mouth. "Zoe, some people don't worry about what electricity costs. They are just happy to continue to let their lights shine. They know it brings happiness to others."

Ouch. Conviction. When I am convicted, my heart physically feels like it's being squeezed, perhaps by the hand of God. It's almost as if my heart stops beating for a moment with one last thump in my chest and my soul speaks to my head, "Did you hear what you just said?"

Yeah, I heard it.

For many of us, this season hasn't been too merry so far. I know there has never been a time in my life when I know so many around me are experiencing such drastic loss. For many, there will be no presents under a tree. For many, there will be no tree. For many, there will be no home in which to put a tree, much less presents.

But there is still Light.

I found out in recent months, having always know that Ellen's name means "light," that Ellen's name truly means "God's light" or "God's radiance." The word "El" means God. I also knew when I named Zoe, that her name means "life." But in recent years have discovered the great mystery of what "zoe life" - life immersed in God - truly means. I also think it particularly funny how my favorite song when I was three was "You Light Up My Life." Coincidence? I think not.

We have light and life to offer others. We have been graced with the presence (presents?) of God in our hearts, His wisdom in our minds, His spirit in our souls. But how often do we find ourselves completely bogged down by the physical reality of this world right now and before sharing our light and life to others stop and think, "How much is this going to cost me?"

I have always considered myself a giver - a generous spirit who will give you the shirt off my back if you need one. You need me to clean your house? What time should I be there? You need to stay in my home because you have no heat? Come on in. You need me to drive you forty-five minutes away because you don't have a car, and oh by the way, you can't help me out with gas money either? Get in, buckle your seatbelt. But lately, folks, it's been a different story.

Oh, I still give, and give, and give. But I've been guilty in a different way. After spending the day cleaning someone else's home, the little "self elf" says, "Well, there's a day wasted you could have been cleaning your OWN house." After sharing my washer and dryer with a neighbor who doesn't have one, the "self elf" speaks again, "Water bill, electric bill, oh yeah, and think of YOUR family's laundry you could have gotten done today."

Guilty. Convicted. Sitting here rebuking myself for how much I preach to those around me to take care of "the least of these" when my own heart has't been in it much either.

But again, there's Light.

Through a simple observation of a child, God's light shone on my heart and reminded me of the one Truth. God never stopped to ask Himself, "How much will this cost ME," when He gave us His Son. Jesus never stopped to ask Himself, "How much will this cost ME," when He gave us His Life.

It's more than the "Reason for the Season," friends. The message is meant for us to wrap our lives around it, internalize it, live it. Simply put, we need to SHINE.

We need to shine harder and shine longer, maybe more than we ever have before. We need to dig deep into our souls and find His love which will serve as our Energizer batteries to keep us going selflessly, because guess what? Someone else's life might depend on your light today.

I hope someone calls who needs help today. Maybe God will put someone on my heart. He's really Good at that.

It's only 10 in the morning, but I think I'm going to go turn my lights on. PP&L has nothing on me.

Oh, and by the way, "Merry Christmas."

Identity Crisis

2008-12-04T12:26:00.014-05:00

Don't be alarmed. I'm not having the Identity Crisis. I got over that years ago. After five years of trying to fit in with a certain group of people, marrying one of them and having a child with him, the reality of no longer knowing who I was and furthermore realizing I certainly wasn't being who God called me to be, slapped me in the face with a sting as painful as that of a jellyfish. It hurt me to the very core of my soul. Finding myself again was the hardest mountain I've ever climbed, especially with another soul (my daughter's) along for the journey. I still have a few more outcroppings to scale before I am where I truly want to be. The difference now is God is "on belay."

The Identity Crisis I'm speaking of is scattered throughout the body of Christ. For every four people you hug in church, at least one of them still doesn't know where they belong. They still haven't accepted the fullness of God's love. They still haven't grasped their purpose or the significance thereof, and what's worse, some of us other "body parts" have made them feel like they don't belong. Some of them - some of us - are still wounded, still hurting, or maybe simply still searching for where we belong in the Body of Christ.

If you need a reminder:
1 Corinthians 12:12-26 proclaims:

12 For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, though they are many, are one body, so also is Christ. 13 For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body, whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free, and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.

14 For the body is not one member, but many. 15 If the foot says, "Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body," it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear says, "Because I am not an eye, I am not a part of the body," it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? 18 But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired. 19 If they were all one member, where would the body be? 20 But now there are many members, but one body. 21 And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." 22 On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; 23 and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, 24 whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, 25 so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.

Now I must ask, who are you in the body of Christ? Do you know? Are you the head? Do you contribute to the workings of the body? Are you the face - always smiling, always entertaining to make people feel welcome? Are you the mouth - singing in the choir, proclaiming and exhorting? Are you the hands - the doers, the people with the "helps?" There are many parts in the Body of Christ - the legs, the feet, the backbone, the eyes, the ears, maybe even the heart. What body part are you right now?

It's interesting to consider this question. I find myself being different parts at different times. I still believe my biggest role in my church is to be an encourager or cheerleader - that can be many different body parts, if you think about it. But I also have a role in the world, and that's interesting to contemplate as well.

You may be thinking, "Where are you going with this, Danielle?" Where am I going with this? Lately God has really been impressing this idea upon me. If we don't know who we are in the Body of Christ, then how can we ever take root and grow?

Furthermore, how can we grow others? When the scripture says, "22 On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; 23 and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, 24 whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, 25 so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another." I have to assert that most members of the Body of Christ have it completely backwards. We honor our leaders, bestowing all kinds of praise and graciousnesson them, and yet we forget to care for "the little guys," or the "least of these." I know way too many people who have left the church because they said to themselves, "Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body." Just as my hands must take care of my feet because they can't really rub lotion on themselves, the church must do a better job at taking care of all body parts.

As I said before, there are those of us who are still wounded, there are those of us who are still hurting and still searching. We need to know who we are. We need to know our purpose. We need to heal the wounds of our past to step into this purpose - to help root and ground those who are still searching.

I am reminded of the Parable of the Sower in Matthew 13. Jesus spoke:
3 "Behold, the sower went out to sow; 4 and as he sowed, some seeds fell beside the road, and the birds came and ate them up. 5 Others fell on the rocky places, where they did not have much soil; and immediately they sprang up, because they had no depth of soil. 6 But when the sun had risen, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. 7 Others fell among the thorns, and the thorns came up and choked them out. 8 And others fell on the good soil and yielded a crop, some a hundredfold, some sixty, and some thirty. 9 He who has ears, let him hear."

When a person knows not who they are, where they belong, what their purpose is and what they should do, they tend to be a seed or a spore that floats on the breeze and never takes root. This seed can be eaten by birds, scorched by the sun and overcome by thorns. I know, because I am one whose life story can attest to all three. But I can also give Glory to God for allowing me to finally find good soil and begin to yield a crop.

Who are you in the Body of Christ? If you don't know, truly give it some thought. Are you the arms always ready to hug? Are you the smile which always brightens someone's day? Are you a foot which serves as a foundation for others? What has God brought you through? How does this reveal your life's purpose?

Perhaps you can see those around you who are floundering to take root. Perhaps you are the mouth which has a word for them which will help them to finally stand in one place. Perhaps you are the hands to help secure them in the earth, the heart of love which can nurture them, or again, the eyes who can see, and help them to see who they are in the Body of Christ.

We must know who we are. We must know our purpose. We must know our strengths and be able to at least acknowledge our weaknesses if we are ever to truly advance the Kingdom of God. We must relinquish the fear which keeps us from facing our pasts and healing them. We must shrug off whatever it is which keeps us from carrying out our purpose.

God has been waiting for you.
I guarantee, someone else is waiting for you, too.

Poured Out

2008-10-27T13:36:00.016-04:00

I'm being poured out and it isn't exactly comfortable, I must admit. As much as I want to be identified with my Savior in all aspects of His life, death and resurrection, sometimes I really wish we could skip this part.

It is a season of Servanthood, except this time I'm not frying donuts or stocking shelves or getting paid, for that matter. Everyone around me - my closest circle of family and friends - is in need. I am their only common denominator, the one who is being called to help over and over again. I hate to admit it, I'm tired. But I know through my selfless works, they may see Christ, so I continue on. You and I both know they need to see Christ.

I wonder how Christ did it. He walked from town to town, constantly followed by 12 men, who for the most part, didn't always "get it." In every town, more people flocked to Him, most of them needing something, some of them sitting back in judgment of Him. He had to feel drained. He had to want to disappear, didn't He?

My husband and I packed up five years of our life beginning in July to move to a new home. That was five years multiplied by four children's Christmas, birthday and Easter presents and all the junk in between. It was five years of "our" stuff. It was five years of Theatre Company costumes, sets, props, makeup and more. We sifted through it, packing up what we needed and dispersing what we didn't, and we did it all by ourselves. We had no one to help us. Through it all, we learned an important lesson - we're not as young and energetic as we used to be.

When we finally were "under one roof," we had to make a bedroom out of an unfinished attic space. What a creative adventure lay before us, but in the meantime, we had beds in the living room, boxes in the dining room and it seemed like it would be forever until we could get our house settled.

Then, on September 4th, tragedy struck. My grandparents' home of 30 years, including where my mother had lived for the past two years, burned to the ground. Of course we praised the Lord for the lives He spared because of a miracle of a matter of minutes. It was also a miracle my daughter Zoe was not there and I know angels were all around us that day. But my mother and grandparents lost everything. Four days later my grandmother found out she has degenerative disk disease. She now uses a lift chair and walks with a walker. Last week it was confirmed my grandfather who has Alzheimer's has an aorta which is almost completely blocked. A massive heart attack is imminent, but the doctors say it could be two months or two years, they don't know. As we sift through the ashes, literally and figuratively, more jobs are added to my plate. My first job is to go through 33+ pages of household contents for the insurance adjuster and place a value on each item or look it up. Can you say, "Ugh"? As my mother and grandparents struggle with the decision of where to live next - to rebuild or not to rebuild, I know in my heart I am already called to be one of their caretakers in the coming weeks and months ahead.

Ever since I moved in, my neighbor next door has been in need. She is an adult victim of child-abuse, and now a victim of domestic abuse. Her three children are wards of the court. Every day I either get a knock on my door or a ring on my phone. Every day, she needs something, anything. It doesn't matter what it is, I'm the only one who is there for her.

Two weeks ago, one of my best friends stopped by my house. She and her child needed a place to stay. They had no lights, no heat and no hot water in their house. Hotel Danielle was officially opened within a matter of minutes. I provided beds for both and hot meals and baths ever since. In a couple days, she will move into a new home. Then, Danielle's Moving Service (and I think Redecorating Service) will officially be open for business. Oh, and may I add, the next door neighbor is moving out, too. Guess who she called to help her???

Yes, I am being poured out. My husband is right here with me. We don't exactly know what God is doing through all of this, but we know He's doing something.

I can't help but stop and chuckle. A few years ago, had I been pulled in this many directions, I would have been ghost. I wouldn't answer my door or phone. I mean, sure, I've always been a servant, but not to this many people all at the same time.

I stop again and think of Our God. He has the concerns of the world being prayed in His ears. The people who need Him far outnumber the little group I'm serving. And I praise the Lord because when we need something He is never "ghost". He is ever-present. He always listens. He never leaves and never forsakes. I stand in awe, and am so glad to have learned, of His amazing Love for me.

Today's email scripture from "My Utmost For His Highest" states:

As My Father hath sent Me, even so send I you. John 20:21

"A missionary is one sent by Jesus Christ as He was sent by God. The great dominant note is not the needs of men, but the command of Jesus. The source of our inspiration in work for God is behind, not before. The tendency today is to put the inspiration ahead, to sweep everything in front of us and bring it all out to our conception of success. In the New Testament the inspiration is put behind us, the Lord Jesus. The ideal is to be true to Him, to carry out His enterprises.

Personal attachment to the Lord Jesus and His point of view is the one thing that must not be overlooked. In missionary enterprise the great danger is that God's call is effaced by the needs of the people until human sympathy absolutely overwhelms the meaning of being sent by Jesus. The needs are so enormous, the conditions so perplexing, that every power of mind falters and fails. We forget that the one great reason underneath all missionary enterprise is not first the elevation of the people, nor the education of the people, nor their needs; but first and foremost the command of Jesus Christ - 'Go ye therefore, and teach all nations.'

When looking back on the lives of men and women of God the tendency is to say - What wonderfully astute wisdom they had! How perfectly they understood all God wanted! The astute mind behind is the Mind of God, not human wisdom at all. We give credit to human wisdom when we should give credit to the Divine guidance of God through childlike people who were foolish enough to trust God's wisdom and the supernatural equipment of God."

I am not wise or astute. I am quite the opposite. Although I have not disappeared from the needs of my fellow man, I have done my share of complaining. But I can see His hand now. I can see His work. Throughout my exhaustion, I continue to serve and bite my tongue, giving Him more thanks for equipping me more than I turn to whining.

My house is still unfinished. I have two more rooms of boxes and bags to go through. In the meantime, my washer died. I also wanted to get the landscaping done before winter sets in. But that's probably not going to happen and yet, all of this doesn't matter any more.

I thank the Lord for the chance to be used. I thank the Lord because He chose someone like me. I thank the Lord, for although I've let Him down time and time again, He continues to mold me and shape me, purify and refine me. He's given me a ministry to reach those who now stand where I once stood. It isn't comfy cozy - there's a lot of sacrifice, exhaustion and no paybacks. There's a lot of going deep inside myself and revealing stuff I would never choose to share. There's a pouring out - there's no other way to explain it. I give and give and give of myself - as did our Lord, and I know you've been there, too.

But isn't this what we are called to be? Missionaries to the world? We are to be Christ-like. We are to have compassion. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

I may never go to Africa or Honduras or anywhere overseas for that matter, in the name of missions. I went to the Navajo reservation once in New Mexico and Arizona. But my mission field is right here, right now, next door, in my home, for my family, for my friends. We can never stop being Christ to those in need.

All the way my Savior leads me...

2008-10-10T14:52:00.003-04:00

There's nothing to write and nothing to say that says it better than this right now.

From my favorite Christian Artist of all time, Rich Mullins.

All the way my Savior leads me

What have I to ask beside?

Can I doubt His faithful mercies,

Who through life has been my guide?

Heavenly peace, divinest comfort

Ere by faith in Him to dwell

For I know whate'er fall me

Jesus doeth all things well

All of the way my Savior leads me

And He cheers each winding path I tread

Gives me strength for every trial

And He feeds me with the living bread

And though my weary steps may falter

And my soul a-thirst may be

Gushing from a rock before me

Though a spirit joy I see

And all the way my Savior leads me

Oh, the fullness of His love

Perfect rest in me is promised

In my Father's house above

When my spirit clothed immortal

Wings it's flight through the realms of the day

This my song through endless ages

Jesus led me all the way

Burdened

2008-07-15T10:32:00.004-04:00

Well, it has been three months since my last post. I promised you I'd write more. I promised you I'd be more faithful to your need for encouragement, but alas, I have failed you due to my own whirlwind of spiritual growth. When things start happening at a certain speed in my life, it is the most difficult thing for me to stop, sit down and write to you about what has been going on.

I have tried. I have prayed to God that He would bring His message forth for you. But each time, the message became many fragmented messages, and I knew not where to begin. That is, until today. I received this scripture in my inbox and I knew. This is what sums up all of my experiences in the past months. This scripture penetrated my heart and even now, at this moment, I feel like someone is stepping on my heart with a heavy combat boot until I get this message to you.

Romans 1:14
I am debtor both to the Greeks, and to the barbarians.

From "My Utmost for His Highest":
"Paul was overwhelmed with the sense of his indebtedness to Jesus Christ, and He spent himself to express it. The great inspiration in Paul's life was his view of Jesus Christ as his spiritual creditor. Do I feel that sense of indebtedness to Christ in regard to every unsaved soul? The spiritual honour of my life as a saint is to fulfill my debt to Christ in relation to them. Every bit of my life that is of value I owe to the Redemption of Jesus Christ; am I doing anything to enable Him to bring His Redemption into actual manifestation in other lives? I can only do it as the Spirit of God works in me this sense of indebtedness.

I am not to be a superior person amongst men, but a bondslave of the Lord Jesus. "Ye are not your own." Paul sold himself to Jesus Christ. He says - I am a debtor to everyone on the face of the earth because of the Gospel of Jesus; I am free to be an absolute slave only. That is the characteristic of the life when once this point of spiritual honour is realized. Quit praying about yourself and be spent for others as the bondslave of Jesus. That is the meaning of being made broken bread and poured out wine in reality."

This is where I stand right now - in debt to you and in debt to Christ. I owe you something. I owe you the knowledge and assurance of God. Because I have it. Simply because I have it, I owe it to you.

Let me tell you a story about a little girl who grew up with a lot of pain. This little girl had a tumultuous relationship with her father, was rejected by her grandmother, was abused by a family member and faced further rejection time and time again throughout her life until she almost felt she wasn't worth anything.

But deep inside her heart, God had planted a seed - a calling. She belonged to Him and He was never going to let her go.

But when a child experiences rejection, they learn to reject. This little girl didn't know how to accept love - especially something seemingly so far off and distant as God's love, so she ran. Every time God showed her a blessing, she turned the other way. She ran and ran and tried to control her life and make her own way. But because God still loved this child, He wouldn't let her have her way. He wanted her to have His way and maybe, just maybe, accept that all the pain she had been through as God's purpose for her life.

And here I am - no longer a little girl, but finally accepting the fullness of God's Love as a little child. God has brought me to the crossroads in recent months and He has finally revealed His purpose for my life. Psalms 138:8 says He's going to fulfill His purpose for me. You're a part of that purpose.

In January of 2007, I began walking. I was tired of bouncing around like a molecule in life, not knowing where to go. I was tired of the rejection letters from potential employers. I needed a job. So with a college degree, I became a doughnut fryer at Weis Markets. I saw hours of the morning you may never see.

Then Wal-Mart called me for a third shift stockperson position. Although I still knew that this was not where I would be forever, while I was stocking shelves, I continued to talk with God and sing His praises.

Then He called me to The Pregnancy Care Center. It was here where the real work began. Just like Moses, God brought me to the place of my greatest sin, and He revealed His purpose for my life. He showed me the tools I had in my hands - writing, performing, speaking and singing - that I would use like Moses' mighty staff, if I would just throw these tools to the ground and see what God would do with them. He called me to revisit the deep pains of my past, rip off those ugly scabs that had grown infectious and receive the cleansing of the true Antiseptic - the blood of Jesus Christ.

I began to write a book about my pain and healing. On June 17th, completely frustrated with my work at The Pregnancy Care Center, I prayed that God would show me how much longer I needed to work there. I told God I knew He had me there for a reason and I wouldn't leave until He released me. Four days later, I was called into the Executive Director's office and they even used these words, "We're releasing you." Although I cried, it wasn't tears of sadness. I knew God was about to do something big.

Six days later, I submitted my book proposal to Hartline Literary Agency. Five days later, Hartline wrote to me to tell me they accepted my proposal and will represent me for the publishing of my book.

Now you would think I would be swinging from the chandeliers with praise. For a couple days, I was. I was on cloud nine. But the reality is, not everyone is going to read this book. I have to figure out other ways to reach those of you who now stand where I once stood so I may bring you healing.

These are the scriptures I'm leaning on real hard right now:
Luke 4:18
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.

Colossians 2:1-3
1 For I would that ye knew what great conflict I have for you…and for as many as have not seen my face in the flesh; 2 That their hearts might be comforted, being knit together in love, and unto all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the acknowledgement of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; 3 In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

I am in debt to you. I am burdened for you.

Whether you are in my Theatre Company and choose to mock God when I mention Him, or you are in my church and know me well; whether you are the mean guy who pushes the carts at Weis Markets or my friend who says they believe in God but won't commit much more than that, I am burdened for you.

God has delivered me from a painful past. Women who have lived lives like mine usually get caught up in a life of alcohol, drugs and meaningless, loveless relationships - seeking love in all the proverbial wrong places and ending up emptier than empty. (yes, that is possible.)

God has directed my paths. All I had to do was start walking - learning to rely on Him and praise Him when the storms were blowing - seeing His truth in all of my circumstances.

God has healed me. One by one, my infections of FEAR, sarcasm and rage are disappearing. He is replacing the ugliness with a new countenance.

God loves me. He loves you, but for whatever reason, you keep Him at arm's length, or maybe even a mile away. Someone somewhere, hurt you or rejected you along the way and when you think of God you think to yourself, "I'll never be good enough for God's Love, so why should I even try."

Well, friend, my Bible tells me "For God so loved the world, He gave His only Son, that whosoever believeth in Him, shall have eternal life." God "so loved (you)" He gave His son to die, and it wasn't a pretty death either. At that moment of His death, even God turned His face. For at that moment Jesus represented all of the sin and the ugliness of the world - of you and me. Talk about rejection, especially when Jesus didn't deserve it.

I am burdened for you. And why? Because I want this for you. I want you to be healed. I want you to be freed from the vicious cycle of walking, falling down, and having to pull yourself back up. I want you to experience the fullness of God's love for you. I want you to know what that's like. I want your freedom!

I want you to experience true forgiveness - forgiveness for yourself, your offenders and maybe even God. I want you to be able to forgive your offenders, but first you have to repent of the hatred you have held in your own hearts against those offenders. Yes you have, don't pretend you haven't hated them for all these years.

You then need to ask God to call up every offender in the movie screen of your brain. One by one, forgive them. This may take awhile.

Then, you have a couple of options, you can come accountable to those you've hurt, or not. We can let God work that one out.

But finally, you have to forgive God. Don't deny you've been mad at Him, too. You have. Admit it. Also, it's here that you might have to forgive yourself for being the wayward child that you've been. You did some ugly things while you were off the path God designed for you. You let yourself down and you haven't forgiven yourself. Yes you did, don't deny it. We all have.

Then, believe and receive. Believe in His word. Receive His love. God's Love is not conditional.

Tell me how I can help you. Tell me where I need to go to reach you. The weight on my heart still hasn't lifted. I am still in debt to you. I still have great conflict for you. But until you tell me or God shows me what I can do for you or how I can reach you, I can only continue to pray for you, and I will.

Jesus died for you.
Yes, you.

Back to the Basics

2008-04-08T08:11:00.015-04:00

God is bringing me into a new season. The season that I have just come out of was a season of service - staying behind the scenes, helping people achieve goals in their own walks and service to God. During this season of service, I became an Encourager. I had grasped an understanding of the attributes of God - who He is and how He works. In this season, I was able to push people on when life was getting them down - reminding them of God's Promises - gently pushing them to praise when they only wanted to wail. Of course I will continue to help anyone where I can, but God is showing me it is my turn to get back to the basics of Life. I am now a student - I must garner a better understanding of scripture - build my knowledge and understanding of His Word in preparation for my call.

This morning, instead of reading my email devotional and spending the rest of my morning praying, I began to dig a little deeper into the text of my devotional. So much was revealed to me in just one basic chapter of Luke. I had gone to bed last night, troubled with a thought on my mind. This morning, the answer was revealed. I'm learning more and more about that joy which comes in the morning.

The trouble in my mind popped up when I just happened to stop by the bookstore yesterday afternoon. Derek loves to peruse the collection of Graphic Novels since he's busy writing a very kingdom-minded one himself. I wasn't really looking for anything - just glancing at titles really. Then, one book title jumped out at me, "God's Problem: How the Bible Fails to Answer Our Most Important Question--Why We Suffer."

I was immediately annoyed. Who are all these people who walk away from God and get these lucrative book deals to write against God's Word? As someone who is doing everything I can to birth a book for God's Kingdom, this title stuck in my craw, so to speak. Although I wasn't about to buy the book and read it, I did check out its summary and reviews on good old Amazon.com. I'm still annoyed.

Reviewer after reviewer talked about how great this book was, how it raised questions which have plagued Christians for years - how it reminded them of why they "left the faith," so to speak. There were a few who challenged the idea that the author didn't give any real answer in conclusion, but as I told you, my answer came in the morning.

I woke up to an email devotional entitled: HIS RESURRECTION DESTINY. The scripture was Luke 24:26 "Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into His glory?

"My Utmost for His Highest" states:
"Our Lord's Cross is the gateway into His life: His Resurrection means that He has power now to convey His life to me. When I am born again from above, I receive from the Risen Lord His very life.

Our Lord's Resurrection destiny is to bring "many sons unto glory." The fulfilling of His destiny gives Him the right to make us sons and daughters of God. We are never in the relationship to God that the Son of God is in; but we are brought by the Son into the relation of sonship. When Our Lord rose from the dead, He rose to an absolutely new life, to a life He did not live before He was incarnate. He rose to a life that had never been before; and His resurrection means for us that we are raised to His risen life, not to our old life. One day we shall have a body like unto His glorious body, but we can know now the efficacy of His resurrection and walk in newness of life. "I would know Him in the power of His resurrection."

"As Thou hast given Him power over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as Thou hast given Him." "Holy Spirit" is the experimental name for Eternal Life working in human beings here and now. The Holy Spirit is the Deity in proceeding power Who applies the Atonement to our experience. Thank God it is gloriously and majestically true that the Holy Ghost can work in us the very nature of Jesus if we will obey Him."

Christ suffered. He suffered persecution, suspicion, speculation. He suffered misunderstanding by His peers and His disciples.

Christ suffered what would be deemed today as cruel and unusual punishment. He was beaten and spat on, His body pummeled, His flesh ripped open. His hands were pierced. His feet were skewered. His arms stretched so far as to cause asphyxiation - He couldn't breathe because His chest could not move to take in air.

Christ Suffered. And He did it so that we could enter into Glory with Him. We did nothing to deserve it. We did nothing to make God love us. But God loved us enough to give Christ to suffer and die for us.

We, as believers, are to become like Christ. We are to die to ourselves and live as Christ lived, love as Christ loved. And yes, sometimes, we must suffer. But all things - whether accepted as a test of faith, or a testimony to a miracle - are meant for our good and are designed so we may enter into the Glory of the Living God.

Who are nonbelievers to question this? This one author has written a series of books - all questioning and attempting to debunk Christianity - most of these books were written by former believers who just didn't get it but are now serving the devil by trying to tear down the building up of the kingdom of God. What a shame.

Matthew Henry's Complete Commentary had an interesting take on this verse in Luke:
"He could not have been a Saviour, if He had not been a sufferer. Christ’s undertaking our salvation was voluntary; but, having undertaken it, it was necessary that He should suffer and die. Secondly, that, when He had suffered these things, He should enter into His glory, which He did at His resurrection; that was His first step upward. Observe, it is called His glory, because He was duly entitled to it, and it was the glory He had before the world was; He ought to enter into it, for in that, as well as in His sufferings, the scripture must be fulfilled. He ought to suffer first, and then to enter into His glory; and thus the reproach of the cross is for ever rolled away, and we are directed to expect the crown of thorns and then that of glory."

We are "directed to expect the crown of thorns and then that of glory." I don't know where these nonbelieving authors are searching and not finding, but the Bible has never failed me.

Spiritual Wedgies

2008-02-11T12:13:00.004-05:00

I promised you the last time I wrote, I would become more faithful in my encouragement to you. I would write more of these little snippets in this blogosphere because I believe this indeed, is one of my purposes in life.

I want you to know, I did not forget you. I want you to know, weeks ago I set to writing this message - "Spiritual Wedgies." I wrote it, clicked "save," walked out of the room to refill my coffee, and when I returned, my computer had entered into one of those "automatic download/restart modes." When I turned my computer back on and logged back into this blog's management site - there was nothing. NOTHING. I received a Spiritual Wedgie while writing a blog about Spiritual Wedgies. Coincidence? I think not.

So, being absolutely spent for the moment, I let it go. I decided I would return to it eventually amidst my other writing projects. And I did. I came back to write it again. Guess what happened? My newly revived laptop - with its brand new hard drive - developed a faulty power cord. If I so much breathed the wrong way - Power Out. Game Over. No Battery back up. No hibernation mode. Dead. There was virtually nothing I could do about it except buy another power cord.

I shopped around. Best Buy - do they really live up to their name? Staples - puleeze - theirs was $83 bucks and they couldn't guarantee me that it was compatible with my model. Wal-Mart - good old Wally World - they had the best price, the universal adapters and all, BUT, I would have to wait two weeks because they were out of stock.

So I waited. I hate waiting. Did I tell you the subject of the book I am writing is WAITING? Yeah, God's working that one out! Anyway... so in my waiting period, I decide to go back to my faithful dinosaur PC which sits in the corner of my Dining Room. Now, before I got my laptop up and running, I had been working on my dinosaur with absolutely no problems at all. What happens when I try to start managing different writing projects there? I run out of internal memory. No matter how many files I deleted, the thing just chugged and chugged and hiccupped and chugged until I physically felt I was going to scream.

And that, my friends, is an example of a Spiritual Wedgie.

They come like a thief in the night. They are irritating. They are ruthless. They can make the greatest of spiritual highs fall down into the lowest of lows. They bite at you, with each nibble, filling you up with all of the irritable ugliness of the person you used to be and were afraid to become again. What are they? They are Spiritual Wedgies and they've come to steal your joy.

Forgive my humor as I talk about a subject that is serious. Sometimes, there is no other way to make plain what spiritually happens to us except to use the very commonplace, something to which we all can relate.

We all have a place on our bodies where our two legs join together at a place which is known as our hindquarters. I now feel like I'm referring to horses, but anyway.... We all wear clothing - be it pants, underwear, skirts, even hose, ladies, and we ALL inevitably have had a time in our life where the fabric on our bodies gets bunched up into that little space between our, ahem, hindquarters, and things start to get uncomfortable. That's the very unofficial definition of something sixth-graders still giggle about - A Wedgie. It is a little wedge of fabric, if you will, that gets into the wrong place at the - wait, is there ever a right time? - and it irritates us until we have no choice but to find relief.

Have you ever been in a conversation where you are looking someone right in the eye while they are talking? They are talking, talking, talking, talking, but you're not hearing a word they're saying. The only thing on your mind is, "I have to pick this wedgie."

Sometimes, we can do it with the greatest of ease. We grab a hold of our pant legs as we stand up - voila - no one saw anything. But there are those which, no matter how much you slide, bend, scoot or dig, they're not coming out. You must excuse yourself to the bathroom for true Wedgie Extraction.

Sometimes we don't even realize they are the cause of our irritability. Ladies did you ever go an entire day feeling irritable and as soon as you took off your shoes, you felt better? It's as if the shoes themselves are pinching your happiness nerve and not letting endorphins get to your brain. You don't know why you are so miserable. But then the shoes come off and "ahhhh...," you feel better. You think, "Oh my gosh, my shoes were bugging me all day and I didn't even realize it." That's how wedgies work and Spiritual Wedgies work even harder. The only difference is Spiritual Wedgies usually last longer than a day and affect all those around you and leave a disaster in their wake.

I started this post on February 11th. Today is March 29th. For nearly six weeks, I have been attempting to get this message to you. All the while, the Wedgies have persisted. Two weeks ago, I reached a chapter in my book that was based on Psalms 27:14, “ Wait on the Lord: be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” I knew exactly what it meant but I was having the greatest struggle putting it into words. Then this past week came into existence.

Monday was like any other Monday. I was exhausted from an overly zealous Easter weekend with my four children, but it was Monday - my lack of excitement was to be expected. Some issues had arisen with our Theatre Company, which I decided to deal with later and I trudged on.

Tuesday, I woke up in extreme pain. It seems I had “slept wrong” and I could not move my right leg. I couldn’t even lift it to pull my pants on as I was getting dressed. I had important meetings at work in preparation for a big event that was held today. I could not call in sick. I had no choice but to grab my cane and almost literally, drag myself to work.

Wednesday, I visited the chiropractor and was feeling a little better physically, but in various situations in my workplace, things were not going well. Deadlines were being missed. Stress was mounting. The issues with the Theatre Company were still not resolved.

Thursday, it seemed like nothing got done at work. All of our printed materials were supposed to be delivered. Our screen printed baseball hats were supposed to be delivered. As I left work for the day, knowing how much work awaited us on Friday, I just looked at my Supervisor and said, “It’s all going to be fine. God’s going to work it all out.” I left work that day knowing He would.

Thursday night, as I was preparing for the Theatre Company to meet with members from Harbor Light and Manna Unlimited Motivations to rehearse for the program we are performing at Revival Tabernacle on April 6th - “How May I Help You? A Celebration of Hope & Healing for Our Nation and Community,” my printer refused to print the scripts and my laptop kept powering down for no reason. I dragged my laptop and printer to the rehearsal. When the script started to print, I ran out of toner.

Finally, Friday morning, I arrive at work, fully expecting everything to be there, ready to be assembled into packets. Surely God had come through for us.

My Supervisor walks into my office and runs down a litany of bad news. Our printed materials have not even been printed. The hats are probably not going to get here, and the rest of what we needed to create, print and distribute was yet to be determined. Again, stress mounted. Slowly, our work started to come together. Then, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? The printer/copier BROKE DOWN.

Those of you who know me would think by now that I would have turned into my alter-ego Katie Kaboom - you know the old Danielle who used to scream, get mad, thrust into action which consisted of slamming doors and pounding tables. But Katie didn’t show up. I calmly came up with a Plan B - run to Staples and make copies, but I first had to run home for a CD-R. When I stopped at home, I remembered I needed something else to be ready for me when I got back to the office, so I called. The printer had miraculously started printing, there was no need for me to go to Staples. By the time I got back to the office, everything was printed and the icing on the cake - the baseball hats were delivered moments later. The printed materials had not only been printed, but they had been picked up in Williamsport and were on their way “home.“ Everything came together beautifully and God worked everything out.

In life, there will always be the unexpected events of flat tires, cars not starting, unexpected bills, direct deposits not being deposited directly, landlords who decide to sell the house you're renting, printers, computers and other gadgets not doing what they’re supposed to do to make life easy - you name it - there is plenty in this life that can be irritating. This - the stuff of which life is made - has a tendency to get under our skin, get us down in the dumps, makes us feel defeated. And when you let a wedgie like this ride, you can be in a bad mood for weeks until you suddenly stop and realize it's time for Wedgie Extraction.

God gave me a promise - several promises actually - but the one that will act as the trigger for the domino effect which puts the rest into action is the book I'm writing. I believe this promise. I hold onto this promise. This promise has been affirmed and confirmed in so many ways, I can't begin to tell you. Maybe someday I will.

All of this started with a dream about being pregnant, but in the dream, the child within me died. The following Sunday, Prophet Tim Hines was at church and said, "God conceived something in you a year ago and it died inside of you. Now is the time to PUSH!" Because of the significance of this pregnancy imagery, I've begun to realize that my Spiritual Wedgies are like contractions. I've learned something, though. I'm not focusing on the little ceramic bunny in the corner while I do my Lamaze, I've got my eyes on God. I'm RESTING in HIS PROMISE!

Something tells me there are some of you out there reading this right now that are going through something. And it's not just one thing, it's one thing after another, after another. It's driving you crazy. You can't get a break. Your mood is altered and your biting heads off left and right if someone so much as dares to ask you a question.

You, my friend, have a Spiritual Wedgie and yes, you're due for extraction.

Now, more than ever, renounce that devil whose taking joy in your anger. Don't let him ride! Don't let him steal your joy in the Lord. Don't you realize you're giving him what he wants! Renounce him by the blood of Christ - you're free! He can't take a hold of you and your situation because God already claimed you as His own.

Then breathe. Ask the Lord to open the eyes of your heart to see where the lesson needs to be learned - to see the next step that has to be taken. Not all of these attacks are from the devil. The Lord is trying to show you something, too.

Keep your eyes on God. Seek patience, faith, hope, joy and rest in His grace. It is there for you to have because He loves you - not because of anything you've done or because of anything you are, but because of who He is and what He's done.

I see now - Satan has been doing a little dance through the access to the technology in my life and my health. This just confirms the fact my book must somehow be a threat. He knows it is meant to save souls somewhere, so he's trying to stop it.

The ministry of the Pregnancy Care Center where I work is also a threat - we’re saving lives and changing lives of the men and women we meet. We have been blessed to introduce many of our clients to Christ. Certainly, the devil doesn’t want that!

Community Hope Help and Healing? Does the devil want this? Does the devil want us to commemorate the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr and re-assess our commitment to social justice? Of course not! That means we as a church might re-ignite our call to reach out to all who are oppressed in the Name of Jesus and also take a stance against our own complacency!

Satan might as well bark up somebody else's tree! Through it all, I haven't given in to his lures and temptations. I have clung to God's promise to me. There were moments, sure, when I felt like screaming, but I fixed my eyes on God again and He helped me through the next big push.

In my waiting, God revealed to me (very vividly, may I add) how this next chapter will take shape. “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

Now I challenge you to stop letting those Spiritual Wedgies steal your joy in the Lord. Extract them!!! Rest in the knowledge of God and His grace and He, as always, will pull you through. Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart.

I'm Still Walking

2008-01-26T08:53:00.000-05:00

Forgive my absence, dear friends. It has been an interesting time for me. I am absolutely awestruck by the way in which my faith has continued to be tried, stretched, knocked down, internally and externally tested over and over again, but here I am. I am still walking.

In the midst of it all, I have learned to praise God for all things. All good gifts around us are sent from Heaven above. If you woke up this morning, Praise God. If you were able to accomplish even one load of laundry, Praise God. If you ate at least one meal, Praise God. The list can go on and on and on, and will forever in my life.

While I haven't been writing my blog, I have been writing a book. It is entitled, "As I Wait Upon the Lord." When I haven't been working on my book, I have been crafting "Stonez of Remembrance," my new line of prayer beads that I will be exhibiting and selling on consignment. When I haven't been beading, I've been sculpting "Soul Sisterz," my new line of hand-felted dolls. I have also been moving my Theatre Company forward with some performances, illustrating a children's book, helping to manage the creation of my husband's Graphic Novel, and working with three groups of musicians in the composing of the 22 songs that Derek, our friend Lisa Rae and I wrote for next fall's play, "The Rhythm and the Blues." I've also been coaching Ellen's "Odyssey of the Mind" team and being lastly, but never least - a wife and mother.

So, you might say I've been busy. I've been busy searching for what God will have me do for the sole purpose of bringing Him glory, and He has definitely filled my cup. In all of my "busy-ness," God is there. He never leaves my thoughts. I have reached a place in my life that I've longed for - a measure of faith that is tangible and visible. It's even audible when I'm singing His praises while I'm cleaning my kitchen. It is far too easy in this fast-paced, chaotic world to forget to "squeeze God in" somewhere. And so, I rejoice in letting you know that I'm still walking.

So why am I telling you this? Why do I keep this blog? Why do I feel compelled in such a busy schedule and life that I lead, to come here in front of my dinosaur computer and write a message to you? I could just as easily write this as a chapter in my book. Why did Paul write letters to the church of Corinth and places beyond?

I can tell you that I feel God calls me to do this, to write this. But why? I can tell you. There is one simple thing that every human being needs in this world. It's a form of love, but not just love. It's not food. It's not water. It's something beyond that.

It's Encouragement.

I write this blog - one of my too many ministries - to encourage you. Because I know that God wants more of you and He wants to provide more for you. He wants more of your life and He wants more for your life. He wants more of your time and He wants you to have more for your time. He wants to bless you daily. He wants you to love Him. He wants to love you.

When we draw nearer to God, He draws nearer to us. God wants to live in our working and playing, in our lying down and in our rising up.

I have learned this. It has been a long, hard road. For the most part, I've made it harder for myself as I did more ignoring God than hearing Him over the years. But now that I'm walking, it is part of my walk to tell you. It is now my journey to "Go Tell It on the Mountain" what God has done in my life.

I regret the fact that it has taken eight weeks to sit down and do this. I have so much more to tell you - miracles that were performed right in front of my eyes:
- walking away from a thunderous crash of my car and another colliding, without a scratch on either vehicle
- after living six months without a dryer to aid my laundry for a household of six, looking at my dryer and saying, "Lord, I really need a miracle right now," plugging the thing in and it starting
-waking up last Saturday, crippled with pain - for those of you who don't know, I have Fibromyalgia - and just praying and feeling this... healing, there is no other word for it, moving through my body, releasing muscle fiber after muscle fiber
-and there's more.

God is REAL, people. He is the Healer, the Deliver, the Mighty God, the Alpha, the Omega. He knows you, He wants you and He loves you. Why are we so afraid to be loved sometimes? God is perfect. His love His perfect. His love will never hurt you and it will never let you down.

I plead for your forgiveness for not being faithful to you, dear friends. I know how badly we all need encouragement. I, myself, tend to get bogged down in self-doubt and second-guessing. I need encouragement and lots of it. I praise God for the husband that I have, because he actually provokes me to be encouraged. I know some of you actually look for my blog posting for this needed encouragement, and I failed you, if only momentarily.

This morning, I woke up to take Derek to work. It takes me five minutes to go up the hill and down the hill, but I woke up thinking, "Ugh. I have to get up seven days a week. He gets to sleep in two days a week. That's not fair." I put it in my head that when I came back down that hill, I was heading right to my bed, and I didn't care when I got up. Then something changed in my spirit. God stepped in. I walked into the house. I made a pot of coffee. I put a load of laundry in the washer. I sat down to say my prayers. While I was praying, God said, "You have a blog to write." I thought to myself, "okay... on what subject?" God said, "Well, you're still walking."

That's right - I am still walking. I don't think I've ever walked this long before. I've given into more temptations, fallen off the straight and narrow way, ignored God for weeks on end, run from God more times than I can count, but I - Danielle Renee Murphy Scott - I... am STILL... WALKING.

WOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH. - Did I ever tell you this keyboard doesn't have an exclamation point? Yeah - I'm really missing that right now.

Praise God if you know what a miracle it is to be still walking today.

I'm walking. But today, Lord, I feel like running.

At the Edge of His Mercy

2007-12-12T11:56:00.000-05:00

I write to you today with a heavy heart. But in my physical darkness and sadness, the Lord is still with me and I will forever give Him praise. He has NOT cast me or my family out of the reach of His mercy. I wait in grateful expectation of how He's going to work all of this out.

My parents home is no longer theirs - the home that I grew up in, the home that my children loved as "Mammy's House," the land my mother grew up on is no longer "Our Homestead." I did everything I could - everything I was called to do - to live out Isaiah 61 and offer healing to the broken and hope to the hopeless. But sometimes, as ministers, all we can do is sit back and watch our friends and family members make the same mistakes, run farther away and (my favorite part) after the world comes crashing down on them - blame someone else. It is an ugly cycle. It is a violent cycle. It is a weapon Satan uses with great success.

Are you going to be the next victim?

I've been giving you instructions in my last few posts of the precious little that God requires of you. I've called you. I've emailed you. I've prayed for you. I've cheered you on. But still, you cannot bring yourself to consummate your relationship with the Almighty, one true God who has the power to make you or destroy you, but right now, only wants to love you.

I praise God for those who have heard me. I know God used me to reach some of you and I rejoice every time you walk through the church doors or mention His holy name in an email to me.

But to those of you who refuse Him and me? How much more are you willing to lose?

Are you willing to be so far out at the edge of His mercy that He forgets you altogether? You think He won't? Are you of use to Him right now? If the answer is "no," then why should He keep you in His care?

If I were your child - your grown-up child - and I lived in your house and ate your food and left the lights on and ran up the water bill and didn't have a job and didn't clean up after myself and also never said "Thank you," would you keep me around? I wouldn't keep me around! (By the way, anyone want four kids? Just kidding.)

Like Peter walking on the water towards Jesus, your faith has slipped and left you drowning. God could save you in a heartbeat, but you refuse to call out to Him and cry "Save Me." You may even be whining, ""Saaaave Meeeee, whaa, whaa, whaa," but you will not run to His embrace.

I am an ACOA - an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Naturally, I am an enabler. I want to fix everything and take on other people's burdens and lighten their load. When things go/went wrong in other people's lives, I somehow have always interpreted that it was my fault. I should have done more. If only I had..., I could have ... (fill in the blank.) I can stand right now with a clear conscience that I have done everything possible to be a light in your world.

Some people just won't open the blinds.

Unshakeable

2007-11-16T09:45:00.000-05:00

I have a deep-guarded secret to share with all of you. It is something from which I shield my daughters. It is something that I have had to come to terms with as I notice the habits rearing their ugly heads in my speech.

I am a Recovering Cheerleader.

I thought it was all behind me - the chants, the stunts, the need to cheer people on. But then one day, in a wave it came to me.

Zoe had woken up grumpy - GRUMPY. She was complaining about everything. She didn't want to get dressed. She didn't want to go to Grammy's. She didn't want breakfast. I said to her, "Zoe, you are certainly grumpy today. Jesus doesn't want us to be grumpy and whiney. Jesus calls us to be cheerful and joyful in the Lord and to let our lights shine. So why don't you say this with me:

Step back, Devil
Get away from me.
I'm bought with the Blood,
so I have Victory. YEY GOD."

There it was. The cheerleader was back.

Zoe's attitude immediately changed as she was overcome with giggles. The whole way to Grammy's house, she kept saying, "How did that go again, Mommy? Say it again, Mommy." We repeated it over and over again. It changed both of our attitudes for the day and I rejoiced knowing that in these little ways I was demonstrating my faith to my children. My children, both the biological ones and the non-biological ones, know where I stand with God. The Lord is everything to me and I would be nothing without Him.

I have been encouraged by some of you to turn this blog into a book. I have contacted a few publishers and found that a simple Devotional is not what the publishers are looking for right now. Now if I were Max Lucado or T.D. Jakes, I'd have a deal. But I'm Danielle Scott - a simple woman just trying to walk with the Lord every day.

As I have read over my blogs from the past 18 months, I've been searching for a theme, if you will. Every book needs a theme, right? Every play needs a plot - a protagonist, an antagonist, a climax, a denouement or resolution. Well, this book needs a theme with a beginning, middle and ending.

The one theme that pervades most, if not all of my posts, is Faith. Now Faith has many different meanings and takes many different forms. Faith is a journey that is begun every morning when you wake up. Faith begins the day you accept the Lord as your Savior and grows through weekly fellowship, Baptism, the reception of the Holy Spirit and continues on until something is born out of you - your ministry or ministries. Lessons in Faith come in seasons. I, myself, look back over the past eighteen months and see typically three-month periods where God was hammering a particular point home with me until I knew He was drawing a line in the sand and saying, "Danielle, it is time to step up here."

I'm here to tell you today that I have reached a new plateau of Faith - one that I've desired and yearned for, one that amazes me in the fact that I got here and yet comforts me all at the same time. If I sound like I am boasting, please remember that Paul said we are to boast in the Lord. I did not get to where I am today without Christ working through me, but now that I stand where I stand in my walk with Christ, I desire the same for you.

Today I can say for the first time in my life, "My Faith is Unshakeable." Over the past couple of months I have been bombarded with problems of my own as well as other people's problems. I spoke of some of these problems in my last post. I have friends who are being diagnosed with diseases like Multiple Sclerosis. I have friends who are going through divorce. I have a father who his facing foreclosure on his home because he can't find a job. I have friends whose jobs have either already been taken away or are in jeopardy. My daughter is in the process of being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder or worse, an Autism Spectrum Disorder. But I'm not flinching. By the power of Jesus Christ, I'm not wavering. I haven't gotten on my knees crying "Woe is me," once. Because I believe God. Period.

I believe God uses all things to bring Him Glory. I said in my last post, "He will bring you to your knees so you get on your knees." In every situation, I have accepted the boldness with which God has infused me and spoken to each of these people. Now you know that's God, because I could never before get myself to speak to someone about God. That's why I created this blog - to say what I needed to say or what God wanted me to say without talking to a person directly or standing in front of a crowd.

God ordains your circumstances. Do you know that? God ordains everything that happens to you until you get rightly related to Him. That's where I come in.

I'm your personal Cheerleader. I can't believe I just said that, but in actuality, I've been examing where I belong in the body of Christ, and more and more, I see myself as a support person. Now I don't know if that means I'm a leg or a foot to stand on, or maybe a hand that reaches out, but I know that right now, I'm not on stage singing or preaching with all eyes on me. I'm suddenly what we would call in Theatre - Stage Crew - behind the scenes, if you will. God is using me and using this blog to reach out to you, speak into your circumstances and to cheer you on. The only things I got shaking are my pom-poms. I got my big megaphone yelling:

"Hey, hey you,
there's nothing you can do
to stop - clap, clap, clap
God's Power - clap, clap
TONIGHT."

Receive it. Accept it. Don't be afraid of it. God loves you. He wants to make a way where there is no way, if you will just let Him. He wants to draw the line in the sand and see you moving to the other side. You have nothing to fear. He is with you and in you and all around you. He is calling to you. Open your ears above the din of the world and HEAR HIM.

I'll be here, cheering you on.

You Need This

2007-10-28T00:25:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the length of time it has taken me to write this. Some of you have contacted me to say, "I need you to write something. I need a message." For that, I thank you. Sometimes, okay, maybe a lot of times, I need encouragement to know what I'm doing through this blog has a purpose. Once again, it's not that God hasn't been speaking to me. It has been quite the opposite. I have been so overwhelmed with messages, visions, scriptures, prophecies and promises, it has been like being drowned in a Spiritual Tsunami. With not enough hours in the day since beginning my new job, I have only to continue to take mental notes, spiritual notes and wait to see what theme bubbles to the surface.

Well, the theme has bubbled. The theme is you.

I have come to the realization that if you're in my life, you're there for a reason. If I'm in you're life, I'm here for a purpose as well. God is using each of us and our connection with one another for a purpose and I'm about to step into mine.

The Spiritual Tsunami that I have been experiencing has been yet another time of transformation for me. I had been going through a time of being a "shrinking violet," if you will - a wallflower. Once again a spirit of fear had gripped my life. I found myself desiring a boldness through Christ but not being able to step into that boldness. Well... no more.

Long before Brother Tim Hines and Pastor Bond began preaching on John 7:38 - "He that believeth in me, out of him shall flow rivers of living water," that same scripture had been laid on my heart through my email devotional. With new boldness through only the power of Christ, I'm here to tell all of you who don't know Jesus like I know Jesus, I'm here to bring you living water.

You know who you are. You are a person in my life who has been struggling to find a job. You're about to lose your house and everything you've worked for. You've been diagnosed with a debilitating disease. You're going through an unwanted divorce. You lost your job recently -unfairly and with little explanation. You consider yourself a Christian but the Devil has been lying to you about people who surround you, convincing you that we're all a bunch of hypocrites which fills you with anger and turns your heart away from the church.

You know who you are and I'm using this forum given by God to speak to you. Because I know that sometimes God will bring you to your knees just so you get on your knees.

When God wants you in His will, He'll do whatever it takes to get you there. You think by turning your back on God, you're safe? Forget it. This is God we're talking about. As Bill Cosby use to say to his children, "I put you in this world, I can take you out." If you're still here, you should be praising God that He's giving you one more chance to get your life back on track, 'cause you could be dead. You could be in Hell with no chance of seeing Heaven. But God's calling you up one more time, right now.

Some of you are thinking, "Yeah, Whatever. She hasn't seen what I've seen. She hasn't lived what I've lived. She hasn't been where I've been. She hasn't done what I've done." Well, let me tell you something... two weeks ago I sobbed on the altar of my church because I was afraid to share my own testimony. I have been to some dark places. I have seen some ugly things. I have been despicable - DE-SPIC-A-BLE in the eyes of God - so despicable, in fact, that I fear if I share with you just one of the multitude of sins I have been entrapped in, you would have no respect for me. But I am reminded of one of my favorite T-shirt/bumper sticker slogans: "The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future." So I move forward, rejoicing that I have been forgiven and delivered from all of the ugliness, from all of the emptiness and from all of the darkness. Because I have known poverty of both means and spirit, I am here to promise you that your abundance is waiting. Because I have known brokenness of mind, body and spirit, I am here to tell you that your healing is near.

Isaiah 61
"1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners; 2 To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant those who mourn {in} Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

4 Then they will rebuild the ancient ruins, They will raise up the former devastations; And they will repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.

5 Strangers will stand and pasture your flocks, And foreigners will be your farmers and your vinedressers.

6 But you will be called the priests of the LORD; You will be spoken of {as} ministers of our God. You will eat the wealth of nations, And in their riches you will boast.

7 Instead of your shame {you will have a} double {portion,} And {instead of} humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion. Therefore they will possess a double {portion} in their land, Everlasting joy will be theirs.

8 For I, the LORD, love justice, I hate robbery in the burnt offering; And I will faithfully give them their recompense And make an everlasting covenant with them.

9 Then their offspring will be known among the nations, And their descendants in the midst of the peoples. All who see them will recognize them Because they are the offspring {whom} the LORD has blessed.

10 I will rejoice greatly in the LORD, My soul will exult in my God; For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

11 For as the earth brings forth its sprouts, And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up, So the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring up before all the nations. "

God wants you for His own. God desires you for His will. He will not rest until you relinquish every last bit of what you think is your power, to Him.

So, if you hear me, get on your knees and praise Him right now. Praise Him in the midst of your storm. I've learned that when the storms are raging, if you praise His name, your praises go up and part those storm clouds and the blessings come down.

Praise Him because you know He hasn't forgotten you. Praise Him because He has not cast you aside. Praise Him because you could be dead, but He came that you might have life and have it abundantly.

There's still time.

Before I close, I have to share with you that now is not the time to be stubborn. Now is not the time to say, "Eh, I don't need God right now." NOW is the time for you to take this seriously.

How funny it is to me that God has put me in a position where I feel like I'm begging each of you to come to God - you who have known God, you who chose to walk away, when just last week I met a 17 year-old girl who, within 20 minutes of talking to me said, "I want to know who Jesus is." She is a new Chinese immigrant and works at her parents' restaurant. Mae Ling was the first person ever put in my path who made it easy for me to share Jesus out of her pure, innocent desire to know. She heard about Jesus and wanted to know what Jesus could do in her life.

You have learned, but yet you continue to reject Him. Spin your wheels all you want, but you'll go nowhere without Him.

Now's the time.

I feel like maybe you're again thinking, "Who does this woman think she is speaking like this?" Well, I wrote this two days ago on paper. This morning, I had an overwhelming vision of brokenness across this country. I saw men addicted to drugs, women recovering from abortions, children growing up fatherless. I was reminded that I live in the shadow of the Big House - I live on the reservation of the United States Penitentiary at Lewisburg and realized this morning that I am less than 1/2 mile from sin and disparity like you'll never know 1400 times over. I prayed to God, "Heal them, Lord, change the hardened hearts of men. Come down like rain to reveal yourself and transform these lives." There was a moment of silence and then I heard, loud and clear, "That's your job."

Here I am Lord, send me.

Marriage

2007-08-29T12:52:00.000-04:00

A message on marriage has been on my heart for months. God keeps showing me illustrations, verses and quotations that have pushed me to preach or write this message. The picture keeps getting clearer and I feel it is now time, dear friends, to share this message with you.

It all started in the spring when God first pointed out in me that I wasn't making time for Him in my life. There were times when I saw clearly that our relationship - God's and mine - was suffering. God put it on my heart that just as a married couple cannot go days or perhaps even one day without "checking in" with one another, God and I needed time together every day as well. So I heeded that call - to make time with God, to enter my prayer closet every day and just start the day with praising Him for the day before me. It has made an incredible difference. In the times that I have stumbled recently, I can see that it was those particular days that I did not stop and praise Him that helped to knock my focus off of the only One who deserves it.

Fast forward a couple of months. I stepped outside of my church where my husband has stood for the past hour "chatting" with the guys. One man says, "Man... I'm telling my kids to never get married. Marriage is soooo hard." Derek tells me more of the conversation later. It seems this whole conversation of these men revolved around marriages and relationships and how you can never please women and blah, blah, blah. Derek related to me that he was so happy to be able to say, "Fellas.... I don't know what to tell you, but after Danielle and I butted heads for years, our marriage gets stronger every day." He said his eyes welled up with tears as another man standing there looked at Derek and said, "That's God."

I know that it's God that brought Derek and I out of darkness and brought us together. I know that it's God who took these two strong-headed and strong-willed people and their children, as well as the baggage from their pasts, and turned them into a TEAM. We say it to each other ALL the time, and we say it to our kids: "We're a team." And this team looks for every opportunity to bring Glory to God through our gifts and talents that God has given us. I praise God every day for bringing us together. I praise God every day for the ways in which He has stripped us of our old selves and made us new in Him. We would still be butting heads. We would still be scrapping every day. We could possibly be divorced and handing Zoe back and forth on weekends. Our Theatre Company would be no more and Ellen and I would no longer have much contact with Darianne and Julian. A family of six could have been reduced to ruins... BUT GOD. Oh, Hallelujah.

But with all this praise I have for God in my marriage and for my marriage, I have to stop and wonder why my Best Friend is going through a horrible divorce as I write this right now. I have to stop and ask myself why a man and fellow church member would be standing outside the doors of the church and saying, "My kids ain't getting married, if I can help it. Marriage is too hard." God has painted this wonderfully clear parallel in my spirit - let's call it "The Recipe for a Successful Marriage," or "The Blue Print." He calls me to share it with you.

The key to a successful marriage is this simple: "Love your spouse." Earth shattering, isn't it? But I know you don't realize the truth in that statement, so I will expound. I will show you the parallel that has been revealed to me regarding our relationships with our spouses and our relationships with God. But it starts with examining what "Love your spouse" truly means.

1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

A wise man once told me to replace the word "Love" with "God." I see now that you can also replace the word love with "Praise" in terms of our relationship with God. And that's the secret.

When we learn as individuals in our marriages to truly love our spouse, it means to shower them with our love, our praise, our trust, our hope and our respect. When we learn to love our spouse and do everything for them, it frees up your spouse to reciprocate. Suddenly, all of your needs are being met by the other person. This is the making of a holy marriage. When you took your vows, there was supposed to be a "death of self," just as in Baptism. You were no longer two, but one in marriage. You can no longer live with your selfish desires before you. It is all about the other person now. But if you can accept this, your efforts will be rewarded through your spouse loving you back.

I once read that love is like a ball of liquid Mercury held in your hand. If you squeeze it too tightly, it squeezes through your fingers and is gone forever. But if you keep your hand open, allowing the other person to love you back, it will remain.

Now I challenge you to take this lesson and put it into the perspective of our relationship with God. When we shower God with our love, our praise, our trust, our hope and our respect, He has no choice but to return that love. Furthermore, it is our faith that allows us to praise God, despite our circumstances and despite what we are going through. If we focus on ourselves and on our circumstances, our eyes are no longer on God, but on ourselves. This is where our relationship starts to falter. This is where we find ourselves saying, "Oh, woe is me. I have it soooo hard. What am I going to do?" But in the moment that we cry out to God, He holds the power to change our circumstances and will do so because He loves us.

There is a speaker and author coming to The Pregnancy Care Center's Annual Fall Fundraising Banquet. His name is Gary Thomas and he is a prolific writer. One of his books, "Sacred Marriage" is subtitled, "What If God Designed Marriage To Make Us Holy More Than To Make Us Happy?" I have to wonder, what if? What if marriage was the physical and earthly training ground in order for us to be rightly related to God? Can we learn to love our spouses in the same way we are expected to love God?

Let us not forget that we are being prepared for another marriage. God is preparing our gowns of white for that day, described in Revelation 19:

5 And a voice came from the throne, saying, "Give praise to our God, all you His bond-servants, you who fear Him, the small and the great." 6 Then I heard {something} like the voice of a great multitude and like the sound of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, saying, "Hallelujah! For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns. 7 "Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready."

The church is the bride. We are the bride.

God calls us to be holy, not happy. How many times have we heard this? 1 Peter 1:16 declares: Ye shall be holy; for I am holy. Holy means "Rightly related to God." Rightly related to God means: eyes fixed on Him, not having selfish desires, but wanting to give God what He wants. And what does He want? He wants our praise, our love and our acknowledgement at all times. Our spouses desire the same.

Derek and I were some ugly people. We were afraid to trust, afraid to love. We were unable to submit to one another. He had to be The Man, and I was not about to be the Subservient Wife. Both of us had to be right all the time. Everything was a fight: who was more intelligent, whose idea of raising children was better, who was cleaner, who was messier, who was a better steward of money - everything was a fight. But God was working in the midst of it all. I was seeking. Derek was seeking. Somewhere along the way, we realized that all either of us really wanted was to be loved. God helped us move beyond our fears and our need to be self-sufficent. God laid our selfish desires to death and instilled in us a new love and respect for one another.

On September 13th, Derek and I will celebrate our fourth Wedding Anniversary. On our fifth anniversary, in 2008, we are planning to renew our vows because, Praise God, we are not who we were back then.

Our marriages are not meant to be a struggle, just as being a Christian is not supposed to be a struggle. We are not to walk around, saying, "Oh, this is soooo hard. God, why'd I get married?" That's like saying, "Oh God, why do you love me? Being a Christian is soooo difficult." Surrender to yourself. Love God. Love your spouse. And watch your needs get met. Yes, watch the blessings flow.

I wrote this song for Derek:
You walk into the room and at once my spirits soar.
It’s only been a moment, but it seems like so much more.
I love you that much
And your every touch
Sets my heart aflame.

It’s been six long years and yet our love grows stronger every day.
There’s been so much doubt and so much hope, but now it seems we found our way.
God’s hand in it all
He wouldn’t let us fall
We give Him all the praise.

It seems I found you and you found me
When we needed each other most
And we stitched together a family
By the Power of the Holy Ghost
And I don’t know where I’d be without you and I don’t really want to know
Once we were lost, but now we are found.
Together let’s grow.

We both came from a place called “Self,” and it’s a lonely place to be.
No matter how we tried, how hard we kicked, we couldn’t seem to break free.
But then His good Grace
Shone on our face
And His Glory was revealed.

I gave a little and you gave a lot and how the tables turned -
Both learning how to trust again, not afraid to get burned.
All of His love
Poured from above
And helped us to be healed.

It seems I found you and you found me
When we needed each other most
And we stitched together a family
By the Power of the Holy Ghost
And I don’t know where I’d be without you and I don’t really want to know
Once we were lost, but now we are found.
Together let’s grow.

You know tomorrow we don’t know
If the sun will shine or hide
But I know the only thing that matters
Is that you are by my side
You are my love, my help-mate
My husband, my Best Friend
Together we will run this race
With every rock and bend

I don’t know what sets us apart; we watch those around us fall
I know too many times and too many hearts that get hid behind a wall
They think they gotta stay tough
It’s never enough
To protect yourself from pain

You and I learned how to love by learning how to give
I got your back and you got mine, and that’s how we must live
Our needs always met
No regrets.
More sunshine than rain.

It seems I found you and you found me
When we needed each other most
And we stitched together a family
By the Power of the Holy Ghost
And I don’t know where I’d be without you and I don’t really want to know
Once we were lost, but now we are found.
Together let’s grow.

And I don’t know where I’d be without you and I don’t really want to know
Once we were lost, but now we are found.
Together let’s grow.

Counting my Blessings

2007-08-20T14:41:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: I wrote this blog today because my mind and heart were reeling. I looked for someone to talk to, but when no one was available, I knew I had to blog through it. Praise be to God, that by the time I got to the end of this post, the answer was revealed.

I should offer a subtitle to this one: Pushing through this. I don't know why I am where I am right now spiritually, but I know I gotta get through this. I gotta get right with God again. I covet your prayers for me at this time.

I started my position as Event Coordinator of the Pregnancy Care Center on Monday, July 16th. Immediately, it was tough. As someone who needs a certain physical arrangement such as an office with a door, a desk lamp which casts a warm, amber glow and Gospel music playing quietly in the background in order to be able to concentrate, I was a bit underwhelmed to find my new "spot." It consisted of a desk from the 1960's parked against a wall in a huge conference room, cordoned off with some Mary-Tyler-Moore-looking cubicle wall. Above me, garish flourescent lights buzzed like bees. My computer, with a Gateway monitor and an NEC tower, operates on Windows 98. It has no USB ports and no speakers for which to listen to music. Even if it did, since I'm located in a common area, it probably would be bothering someone.

I thought to myself, "Quit being a spoiled brat. Be thankful for this opportunity to work here - a place where you are surrounded by Christian women, where you're encouraged to pray on the job. God brought you here for a moment like this." I continued to pray that He would give me focus and clarity and an ability to do the best job I could. Yet every day, I found it harder to get out of bed and make it to work.

Then the work came. Mostly, it's been telemarketing, at best. I phone business after business after business asking them to "make a donation" as a form of advertising at our Fall Fundraising Banquet. I only have to raise 30,000 dollars. At about 350 dollars per contribution, my math-whiz, Ben, tells me "86. You need 86 contributors to reach 30,000." Need I tell you, I hate the phone. Email and the Internet are THE greatest inventions EVER. I don't stutter over email. I stutter over the phone. I can send one email to a gazillion people at one time. I have to make phone calls ONE AT A TIME. I have to repeat myself OVER and OVER and OVER again. And I won't forget to mention - I have to ask for money. Ugh. Could it get any worse? Of course it can, because now that we're down to the halfway point, the contributions are coming in at 175 dollars, instead of 350. I continue to praise God for every dollar raised, knowing He is Able to make a way where there is no way. But still, the phone gets heavier every time I have to pick it up.

I had so much joy in knowing that after "MacBeth" was over, I would finally have time on my hands. I could get caught up on laundry and housecleaning. I could take my kids to the pool. I could spend a week organizing props and cleaning costumes from our Theatre Company. The more I delved into the laundry and housecleaning, the more I realized how disgusting my kids were. Oh the stuff I found under their beds and in their closets. I found myself overwhelmed and complaining all the time. I'd pray, "God I repent of these ill feelings toward my children, but wow, when did this get so bad?" I was reminded of how beautiful each of my children are - how intelligent, how good-natured. I was reminded of how healthy they are. I know so many children who are ill or disabled. I kept praying, "Thank you, Lord, for my children, no matter how messy they are." Guess what happened the next time I started complaining? My dryer died. God has a way of reminding you to count your blessings, doesn't He?

It was official. I had become a victim of Chronic Complaining Disorder. I knew it was wrong. I kept begging for God to show me a way out of all of this negativity. I was walking around my house saying, "No Whining. No Whining. No Whining" - and I wasn't talking to my kids. When Brother Brian preached about Aubyn pushing the lawn mower and pleading, "But Daddy...." I heard him loud and clear. Yesterday, when Brother Tim followed the Spirit and just gave us time to give God Thankfulness and Praise for all of our blessings, I did. I wept tears of joy for all of my many blessings. But then something happened today. I had to get up and go to work. I trudged into work, pleading, "But Daddy..." the whole way.

Then I opened my email, and there it was in my Inbox - my special devotional from heartlight.org. You never tire of hearing that, do you? Me neither.

"Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
From "My Utmost for His Highest"
"God means us to live a fully-orbed life in Christ Jesus, but there are times when that life is attacked from the outside, and we tumble into a way of introspection which we thought had gone. Self-consciousness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of the life in God, and self-consciousness continually produces wrestling. Self-consciousness is not sin; it may be produced by a nervous temperament or by a sudden dumping down into new circumstances. It is never Gods will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him. Anything that disturbs rest in Him must be cured at once, and it is not cured by being ignored, but by coming to Jesus Christ. If we come to Him and ask Him to produce Christ-consciousness, He will always do it until we learn to abide in Him.

Never allow the dividing up of your life in Christ to remain without facing it. Beware of leakage, of the dividing up of your life by the influence of friends or of circumstances; beware of anything that is going to split up your oneness with Him and make you see yourself separately. Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one - "Come unto Me." The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come.

Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus Christ, turn to Him at once and ask Him to establish rest. Never allow anything to remain which is making the dis-peace. Take every element of disintegration as something to wrestle against, and not to suffer. Say - 'Lord, prove Thy consciousness in me,' and self-consciousness will go and He will be all in all. Beware of allowing self-consciousness to continue because by slow degrees it will awaken self-pity, and self-pity is Satanic. 'Well, I am not understood;' 'this is a thing they ought to apologize for;' 'that is a point I really must have cleared up.' Leave others alone and ask the Lord to give you
Christ-consciousness, and He will poise you until the completeness is absolute.

The complete life is the life of a child. When I am consciously conscious, there is something wrong. It is the sick man who knows what health is. The child of God is not conscious of the will of God because he is the will of God. When there has been the slightest deviation from the will of God, we begin to ask - What is Thy will? A child of God never prays to be conscious that God answers prayer, he is so restfully certain that God always does answer prayer.

If we try to overcome self-consciousness by any common-sense method, we will develop it tremendously. Jesus says, "Come unto Me and I will give you rest," i.e., Christ-consciousness will take the place of self-consciousness. Wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest, the rest of the perfection of activity that is never conscious of itself."

The more conscious of my "self" I became, the more "self-conscious" I became. I started to doubt my gifts and abilities. And doubt, may I remind you is the opposite of Faith. I know these gifts and abilities are God-given. Who am I to doubt what He's given me? I started to feel inferior to my co-workers. I even started to feel like maybe they hired the wrong person, and maybe they knew it too. Satan began using these lies to keep me from fulfilling my purpose - God's purpose.

I must remember that I am a child of God and rest in that. I must remember to see me as God sees me - as His precious child. I may stutter sometimes, but that does not make me a lesser person. The Power of Jesus goes before me - I am washed in His blood. Nothing can separate me from the love of God. If He is with me, who can stand against me? No one. Not Satan. Not even my "self."

If any of this rings true to you and where you are today, call out to Him and say, "Lord, prove Thy consciousness in me." Remember who you are in Christ and praise Him for His Abundant Love. He will remind you that every blessing that surrounds you is completely of Him. You will be so lifted up in your praise of our great God, I promise you, self-consciousness WILL go, and He will give you rest.

The Message is Clear

2007-06-12T08:34:00.000-04:00

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

Ten weeks. That's how long it has taken me to write since my last post. I've tried to write - heavy messages have been on my heart and playing over and over again in my mind. But working third shift, directing our Shakespeare play and managing a household with four children was taking its toll. I'd write four paragraphs and suddenly, my eyes would start to close - no longer able to stare at the computer screen.

One week, I had the opportunity to also squeeze in the teaching of a Musical Theatre Workshop from 11am - 2pm, which meant less sleep, of course. This has also added up to "Less Time for God." No time for devotionals as driving to Dunkin Donuts had become less appealing in my exhaustion at 2am when our crew takes lunch. No time for blogging. At this pace, I was lucky to check my email once a week. Filling my ears with praise music from my MP3 player was no longer allowed at work - no headphones are allowed on the floor. And church? Well, I would make it on Sunday if and when I could get my body to keep moving from the time I got home until the start of church. As soon as I sat down, it was lights out.

I continued to talk to God as much as possible. I continued to sing praise songs while I was stocking shelves. But in comparison to where I was just a couple of weeks ago when God and I were cruising along Glory Highway, I was feeling like I was again at the edge of His Mercy. This is not because I've filled my life with sin, but because I haven't completely immersed my life in Him, step by step and day by day. My heart and spirit long to turn the clock back to just a few short weeks ago.

The blessings have continued. The apparent squeezing of my spirit over the past ten years has all but stopped and a new joy in the Lord has been found. Through this time, I kept asking God, "What will you have me write next?" I kept hearing Him answer, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God." I'll bet you won't be surprised that on Tuesday of that week, "Seek ye first" was the subject of my daily email devotional. Okay Lord, when I hear You, I must remember to listen. Oh, how God has revealed the meaning of this passage to me in new and various ways through the passing weeks.

It all started at Wal-Mart when my manager brought me into her office for my 90 day evaluation. She showered me with praise for my hard work, dependability and flexibility. "You should really consider becoming Management," she said. Climbing the ladder at Wal-Mart? Now there's something I never thought I'd do with my life. It's a big corporation. There's security in that. I could climb and climb if I wanted to. But do I want to? More importantly, does God want me to?

Like a flash of lightning, the answers came. Work became impossible. Management became, well..., bossy. Co-workers became disgruntled and filled break times with their misery. It hit me, as I felt their negativity soaking into my pores, this was not the place for me.

I'd stick it out. The money was good, but something had to give. My only defense, my only weapon was to continue to praise God - continue to cling to HIM - continue to thank Him for what He was doing in my life - KNOWING He was doing something.

A couple days later, Derek and I were dreaming about what we'd do with our money if ever one of his plays got discovered.I told him that the Pregnancy Care Center was my favorite ministry in the Susquehanna Valley. I would definitely be donating money to them.

The next day, I received a PCC newsletter in the mail. They were hiring an Event Coordinator. Something spoke in my spirit that I needed to apply. The next day, I just appened to be meeting with Senator Madigan's office at the Cherry Alley Cafe, which is right next to the Pregnancy Care Center. When the meeting was over, I stopped and inquired about the position and picked up the application. I let FOUR weeks lapse without submitting my application. All the while, the message pounds in my head, "Seek ye first...," which my spirit translates into "Seek Me first, Danielle... Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."

Sandy Klingler from the Pregnancy Care Center finally called me. She said her staff had been praying and she thinks I'm "the one" for the position. Keep in mind at this point, I hadn't even submitted my application or resume, but according to Sandy, God says I'm the one.

So the wrestling match was over. Yes, I was wrestling with God. Don't ask me why. I don't know why I was so apprehensive - it would be less money, being that it's part time. That was it - the money kept me from applying. How would we make it? Derek had quit Boscov's. We'd be back to what I made at Weis'. So I cracked open my Bible and found "the verse" in its context:

Matthew 6:19-34 -

19 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 "The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.
23 "But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! 24 "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

25 "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 "And who of you by being worried can add an hour to his life? 28 "And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 "But if God so
clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 "Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' 32 "For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly
Father knows that you need all these things. 33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

There it was. The answer I needed. The humility I had to swallow. The trust, the faith and the acknowledgement that I had to have - to know that God. Period.

So I went through with it. I applied. I interviewed. I got the position. And of course, since I started walking in this new found faith, the blessings have flooded through and over those walls that were once sure to keep them back.

- The week that I applied, Derek received a letter from Domestic Relations. All signs point to the amount of child support that is deducted from his paycheck being lowered.
- Zoe's surgery was paid for and successful. She will have a new smile by the end of the month.
- Our school tax refund finally came which allowed us to put our van back on the road.
- Our van, which sat for months and months needed very little to make it roadworthy and pass inspection.
- When we were slightly worried that we would have to dip into our weekly pay to cover the balance of our van's repairs, God surprised me with Holiday Pay from the Fourth of July which completely took care of the added expense.
- I completed my last night at Wal-Mart last Wednesday. My managers were sad to see me go, but for the first time ever, I cannot say I was too sad to leave.
- I began my new position today.
- For the rest of July, God has paved the way with "extra" income coming just when we will need it most. This will take away the sting of the lower pay and ensure that we will not have to struggle to make ends meet.

On my way to the interview, this odd song popped into my head and out of my mouth before I even knew what I was singing. It was an old Margaret Becker song. I asked myself, "What made that pop into my head?" But I kept singing, Then I got to the chorus:

"All that I am, and all that I will be,
I place in your hands, I rest at your feet.
All of my life, indebted I will be, to You."

I laughed in spite of myself and then started to cry. God has not wasted one moment of my life. It was all put to use and placed in perfect order for such a time as this.

In the wee hours of the morning, as I'm working my very last shift at Wal-Mart, a song comes to my heart:

"I'm leaving it all to You,
I'm leaving it all to You.
You are GOD.
There's no limit
to all that You can do.
So I'm leaving it all to You."

At last.... Sweet Freedom.

If we are children...

2007-05-08T08:38:00.000-04:00

In my last post to you, I intimated that Matthew 18 calls us "to be converted and to become as little children in order to enter the kingdom of Heaven." This was not, however, my original inspiration for my next post. The first message that came to my heart was Mark 10 which states: "Let the children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these."

This verse came to my heart after speaking to one after another after another "hurt child," we'll call them - believers who want to seek God's call in their life, but who have felt hindered, held back or turned away by the church and other Christians. Legalistic views, egos and snobbery have made these believers feel that "If that's what being a Christian is all about, then I don't want any part of it."

It was in the search for this verse in Mark 10 - I knew it by rote, I just couldn't remember where it was - that I discovered the verse in Matthew 18. This verse spoke to me. God spoke to me that this verse explained the transformation that I had just undergone. Sure, I still have adult responsibilities, but I am reliving my childhood in the Trust, Obedience, Joy and Rest in my Father in Heaven. I have never been this happy in all my life. God showed me that I was a child again - His child, and furthermore we are all called to become "as children." It was then that it was revealed to me that if we are children, or supposed to be children, then the verse, "Let the children come to me... " does not pertain solely to those under the age of 18. Jesus was speaking of all of us - especially those "beginner Christians" - those who know only that they believe in Jesus, but have yet to learn more. We are not to hinder them, and yet we do it all the time.

Just as my last post celebrated childhood or being a child of God, we all know that there is a negative side to being a child. This shows us the difference between being child-like, and being "childish." We're all quite good at being childish. Often words that describe children include: immature, selfish, egocentric and spoiled. Children often lack tact. Their feelings are easily hurt. They lack understanding. Sometimes, they are downright mean. Certainly we as grown-ups don't act like that.

These "children" that I was given the opportunity to share my faith with are in their 30's, 40's and 50's. They are all hurt. You can hear it in their voices. You can see it in their eyes. As much as I try to minister to their spirits and remind them that sometimes Satan uses church people and Christians to tear apart God's kingdom from the inside out, they reiterate their pain.

Who are we hindering? How are we hindering them? How are we hindering ourselves?

In recent weeks, my spirit has grieved the pain of this world - children in Africa and the epidemic of AIDS; devastation in New Orleans and the families still uprooted and without homes; the ever-swept-under-the-rug REALITY of Racism in our country; inner-city youth whose hope lies in living day to day - boys knowing that they'll end up in jail by the age of 18, girls who will get pregnant because that will give them someone who will love them, or so they think. Even the little honey bees that are dying off from some unknown force which is bound to have an impact on our agriculture have left me wondering, "God what will you have me do?" But when a friend, co-worker or acquaintance comes to me and says, "I can see that you know God, because I can see His spirit in you. I wish I could know God, but I can't find a church where I feel welcome," I have to wonder, "What are we doing wrong?"

I have learned in recent weeks that we, as humans, are easily offended. I have learned that I, unknowingly, easily offend. The other Saturday I was standing in line at McDonald's, trying to keep my four kids in order, and I don't know what happened. I must have "butted" in line, or something. Next thing you know, I'm there eating with my kids and some other customer calls the manager and they're pointing at me and talking about me, obviously disgruntled. A couple days later, Derek and I are driving south on Route 15 and the car in front of us slows down abruptly. Derek quickly moves into the passing lane. For some reason, the driver gave us a lovely hand gesture out the window- and it wasn't the "Hi Sign" from the Little Rascals, I can assure you.

We are called to act like children, but we act childishly. Someone in church unknowingly offends us. Weeks later we find out there's a Bible Study on a subject that we really want to explore. We find out who's leading it and say to ourselves, "I'm not joining any class that she's involved with," and we hinder ourselves. A Sunday School teacher says something to our child that we don't agree with. What is our reaction? "My family will go to the 11 o'clock service. My kid won't go to Sunday School if that person is the teacher." If this spirit of bigotry and hatred plagues us among fellow believers, then how are we to reach out to the world or receive new believers when they make our lives easy and just show up?

My study brought me back to Matthew 18. Matthew 18 continues on to say:
"But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh! Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost. How think ye? if a man have a hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish."

Now I don't know about you, but I would hate to have to take this scripture literally. We'd be a bunch of hobbling, handless, blind fools, now wouldn't we?

Maybe - let's give ourselves the benefit of the doubt - we have never meant to offend anyone. We see a new face and of course we run right over to them and give them a hug and a "Praise God that He brought you here today." We make everyone feel welcome and warm and fuzzy. Maybe it is because the newcomers are not spiritually mature that they are so easily offended - maybe. But we are called to be greater than that. We have a huge responsibility on our hands - those souls that need us most. We need to reach out and lift up that very world that we refuse to be a part of, but yet we were called to heal. We need to find those lost sheep and bring them back to the fold.

The other Sunday, Pastor Bond mentioned this blog during one of his sermons. I was overjoyed to hear that. I got the tape and listened to it and again was overjoyed how my blog related to his sermon. One point that he made was that we are not to come to church to get all spiritually built up just so we feel good for the rest of the week. We are supposed to take what we get at church and put it to use - minister to the world. I thought it hilarious that when he mentioned the name of my blog - The Naked Turtle - he said "Don't ask. I don't know where she came up with that, you'll have to ask her."

Well, I'll tell you.

I started this blog one year and 8 days ago - on April 30, 2006. You'll see from my first post, I didn't really know what I was doing when I started it, but God knew what He was going to do with it. All I knew is that I wanted to start doing devotions and reading the Bible more. I wanted to practice writing, because I truly forgot that I could write. I was planning to go to Seminary in August of 2006 to become a Pastor, but God revealed some other things I still needed to take care of, and so in the interim, I thought, "I'll start doing my devotions and write about the discoveries in this blog as mini-sermons that maybe I'll build on later when I begin preaching." I started e-mailing them to you so that someone would hold me accountable. If I stopped, I needed someone out there to say, "Hey, what happened to your blog?"

My favorite animal is the turtle - long story of how my godmother's children both had an animal to collect and needed me to have one, too. Through Native American folklore and a lot of other treasures I've collected since infancy, I settled on the turtle as my favorite animal. Symbolically and across cultures, the Turtle is a variety of things. To me, she symbolizes the need to continuously stick my neck out and take risks. The only way for me to grow is to strive for "nakedness" before God and before my brothers and sisters in Christ. It is my hope that by sharing what I am going through, I will somehow encourage you. I also want to be "pure and blameless in His sight."

But here's another interesting thing: Many people think that a turtle can come out of its shell. This is wrong, no matter how many Bugs Bunny Cartoons depict otherwise. The turtle's shell is its spine. A turtle without a shell is a Dead Turtle. But this turtle - me - is called to be a Naked Turtle, because with God, all things are possible. And I am stepping out of my shy comfort zone where I soak up all the church and all the messages and come back next Sunday, and I am finding a way to minister to those who are hurting, whether it is through this blog or standing in the middle of Wal-Mart.

There are people hurting all over this world, even sitting in the pew next to you. We need to shrug off that attitude of, "Look at me, what a great Christian I am" and reach out to those who are searching. When we see people leave the church or refuse the church, we need to call them up and say, "Hey, can I pray for you?" It isn't comfortable. But neither was death on a cross.

Let the children come to Him today. Do not hinder them, whether they are 8 or 98. For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.

START Acting Like a Child

2007-05-02T07:34:00.001-04:00

If you ask a child, "What color is the sky," they'll tell you plainly, "blue." If you ask a child, "How do you know the sky is blue," they'll typically answer, "My Mommy told me," or, "My teacher told me." Children tend to have blind faith. They believe what they are told. Children, for the most part, do not worry about tomorrow. They simply rest in being a child. They can play all day. They know there will be meals. They know that Mom or Dad will clean them up and tuck them in at night.

I don't know about you, but I've spent my life trying to grow up - sometimes even being told to grow up. I'll admit I used to suffer from a Peter Pan complex. I never wanted to grow up, or old, I just wanted to rest in being me.

But then, something changed. Suddenly, at the tender age of 17, I had a dorm room, and then my own apartment in college. I had to decide when to eat, when to sleep, when to study, when to work, and when to play. I had to clean up after myself. I had to take care of my own bills, purchases, and groceries. Next thing you know, I'm out of college, having graduated, and I again, got an apartment, eventually a husband, and soon after that, my first child. And of course, with all of these milestones into adulthood came more bills and responsibility. I was officially an adult. Ouch.

When you officially become an adult, it is hard not to worry. There was a time in my life when I got down to my last 10 dollars five days before my next paycheck. I would go buy a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread and live on french toast for the week. If I got tired of french toast, I could just eat eggs and toast, or a fried egg sandwich. You can do a lot with eggs, milk and bread. That explains why a central Pennsylvania snow storm sends people flocking to Weis Markets for these three items. All this time I thought I had missed the invitation to the French Toast Festival celebrated every day it snows.

But now that I have children, living on three staples for a week doesn't quite work. I have to provide. I have to be the grown-up.

There is a time in childhood around the age of three when suddenly our children start testing their independence. It is the "I-can-do-it-myself" stage. We, as parents, hold our breath as we watch our children try to brush their hair by themselves, dress themselves backwards by themselves, and Zoe's latest - pouring a drink by herself. We stand back and watch knowing this is not going to end well. But yet, how will our children learn if we don't grant them some independence?

My question to you this morning is what are you struggling to do "all by yourself" while God sits back knowing that this will not end well? Now I'll give you the answer to your struggle: Stop trying to do it "all by yourself." Stop trying to be the adult - the "man of the house," or "the liberated woman." It is time to be a child again - a child of God.

The Bible says in Matthew 18 - "Except ye be converted and become as little children, ye shall not enter the kingdom of heaven." Now there are many things in the Bible that once rang in my ears as poetry, rather than to be taken literally. But something has happened since March 11th - the day I was baptized. This particular verse, among many that I have been studying, has taken on new meaning. I have been "converted." Now "how to become as a little child so that I may enter the kingdom of heaven" has become my internal discourse, if you will. Yes, I admit I talk to myself - A LOT. I ask myself questions and I answer myself. To answer this question, let's again, examine children.

First, children trust. As I said before, children will believe anything you tell them. One night, Zoe didn't want to go to my grandmother's overnight and I had to work. She told me she wanted to stay home with Shadow, our dog. I said, "Oh honey, you can't stay home with Shadow. Daddy and I will get into trouble and we'll go to jail." What not to say to a two year-old. Next thing you know, Zoe was telling the whole family, "My Mommy and Daddy are going to jail."

Children trust. Unfortunately, it is why they are so easily victimized. They often cannot discern what is right or wrong for them. But when they know someone loves them, they trust them. The song says, "Jesus Loves Me." Why do we find it so hard to trust Him?

The Bible says in Psalms 18: "The Lord is my rock and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God my strength, in whom I will TRUST: my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my hightower. I will call upon the Lord who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies." Last time I checked, I was not a rock or a fortress. I cannot protect myself from anything. I cannot deliver myself from anything. I am not strong. How can I trust myself to save me from anything? I cannot do it "by myself." My only hope is to Trust in the Lord.

Secondly, children learn to obey. Now I know some of you are waiting for that to happen. But most of you have seen the process. As soon as an infant can pull themselves to stand and start reaching for things, you firmly, with a pointed finger and raised eyebrows, say "no-no." You turn your head and you see out of your peripheral vision, the little hand reaching for the forbidden object. You catch them in the act and again say, "I said, No-no." This game goes on a few more times and maybe you have to tap the back of their hand so that they finally get the idea of what "No" means, but eventually they do. Suddenly the child is eight years old and you realize that they know the rules. They understand your expectations. Children learn to obey. As we all know, obedience brings forth rewards. There are times I'm at the store and I think to myself, "Ellen has been so good this week, I think I should do something special for her." God does this too. We have all been blessed tremendously by our loving Father.

1 Samuel 15 says:"Hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams."

We cannot deny when God is speaking to us. Often we try to fool ourselves. "That wasn't God's voice. He didn't just ask me to do that." But then things start going wrong, and we realize we've grieved our Lord. The only way to make it right is to repent and obey. We should want to obey. Just like the way in which our parents loved us and therefore demanded RESPECT - my dad's word for obedience - Jesus said, in John 14, "If ye love me, keep my commandments." If we love Him, we will obey.

When we learn to TRUST and OBEY, the third lesson we can learn from children comes easily - Find Joy. Children love to laugh. Their whole lives revolve around whether they are having fun or not. My eleven year-old Darianne is absolutely beside herself when Ellen isn't home. She mopes around the house - and her favorite two words are "I'm bored."

Have you ever tickled a child? A child will continue a tickling game for hours if you let them. Children love Joy. And when you learn to trust and you start to obey, suddenly, you're smiling all the time. The world might be looking at you like, "What is her problem?" People may even start asking you "Why are you so happy all the time?" Well, what a great opportunity to answer, "Jesus."

Psalms 5 says, "Let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee."

Be Joyful. For the first time in a long time, you'll have a pep in your step. You'll find yourself laughing at traffic. Find joy and rest. Resting is like trusting - you basically throw all your worries to God and live full of joy in your obedience. It is like a chain reaction and when it happens to you, you'll find yourself giggling inside, like the first time you drove a car with no one sitting beside you.

Finally, go to Daddy for everything. Mommies can kiss it and make it better, but Daddies do so much more. Julian, my son, will drive me crazy with this. He can be home with me all day and not ask for anything. As soon as Derek walks in the door, Julian asks him, "Daddy, can you get me a drink," "Daddy, can we go play outside?" The questions continue with the repetition of a machine gun before Derek even has a chance to change out of his uniform.

Jesus went to His Daddy. In Mark 14, He cries out, "Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will." Abba means "Daddy." He is our Daddy, too.

Romans 8 tells us,"For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" Galatians 4 goes on to say, "Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!"

As I was looking for more information on the word, "Abba," I came across an interesting website - Fathers.com. It paints a biblical perspective to being a father. The website listed these qualities of our Father's Heart:

He is the Father who is faithful and never changes (Heb 13:5, Mal 3:16).
He is the Father that is the embodiment of love, who loves us at our worse (1 John 4:8, Rom 5:8).
He values us and carries a picture of us on His hands (Isa 43:16, 49:16).
He is the Father who will commune with us (Exod 25:22).
He knew us even before we were born (Jer 1:5).
He is the Father who is available day and night because He doesn't even sleep (Eph 2:18, Ps 122: 1).
He is so closely involved in our lives even our hairs are numbered (Matt 10:30).
He is the Father who provides our needs for provision and security (1 Tim 6:17, Ps. 91:14).
He also just blesses us with good gifts (Matt 7:11).
He is the Father who trains us in righteousness.
He disciplines for our own good because He loves us (Heb 12:7-12).

Today, I give you permission to start acting like a child. Trust and Obey. Find Joy, and Rest. Go to your Daddy for everything. You can't do it all by yourself. You're not supposed to do it all by yourself. It is when we completely abandon all to God that "a life hid with Christ in God" is revealed.

I found the scripture that sums up this entire message in Psalms 37:

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.
And He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgement as the noonday.
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth. For yet a little while, and the wicked shall not be: yea, thou shalt diligently consider his place, and it shall not be. But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace."

Stop acting your age and start acting your shoe size today and stand back and watch what God can do if you'll only be His child.

Acknowledgement

2007-04-04T14:43:00.000-04:00

I could entitle this blog "Losing a Child," or "Wisdom from a Wisdom Tooth," or maybe "'Til the Walls Fall Down." Over the past few weeks, I have been on such a roller-coaster ride of Personal Circumstance vs. Spiritual Walk, my head has begun to spin with messages to relate to you. But here I am, overflowing with joy in my new found stride with the One True God who never left my side through the battle, who rode that roller-coaster with me, and urges me to write and write and write so that I may, perhaps, inspire you to stand your ground. When the storms are raging all around... Praise it down and stand your ground.

The lessons keep coming. I had missed church for three weeks straight due to sheer exhaustion from my new third shift job, but God and I kept talking. At its core, this has been a "drying time" since being re-baptized on March 11th. God is setting my path in new and bold ways as if to say, "Okay, Danielle, now you're listening. It is time to get the job done."

Maybe there have been simple coincidences, but I don't believe in mere coincidence. I believe God. These lessons are bombarding my life - signs popping up everywhere. For instance, a simple lesson I learned on March 29th and 30th is "if something doesn't belong in your life, extract it." I had a Wisdon tooth bring me to the brink of insanity through the pain I endured. No drugs would even touch the pain. When the Oral Surgeon told me he couldn't see me until May 16th, I thought I'd die. While I waited for his office to call me back, I just prayed and prayed. The call came to come right over. In a moment, the tooth and the pain were gone. I praised God all the way home.

Kristen, our beloved god-child, whom we rescued from a neglectful home, left the day Ellen and I got baptized - March 11th. She didn't want to live by our rules anymore, as simple as they were: "Be home when you say you'll be home and call if you can't be home when you say you'll be home." But she is eighteen and is at that point where she thinks she knows everything and will not admit that she's ever wrong. I have grieved this loss as if I had lost my own child.

In my grief, blessings revealed themselves. Suddenly I had more time with my own children. Suddenly, my family and my husband flocked to my side and figured out where I needed help and how they could give that help. The biggest lesson: The pain that God endured every time I strayed from Him became very real to me. I now knew the pain God felt every time I chose sin over what God wanted for my life. This lesson sealed the deal for me. I will never stray again. I will never inflict this pain on my Father in Heaven who has done more for me than I will ever be willing to disclose. Pain turned to Blessing. Hallelujah.

Another lesson showed itself when Derek and I added up all of our "Bills for Immediate Needs" - car repairs, inspections, registrations, and Zoe's surgery which we found out our insurance only covers through "reimbursement." I had gotten a new job and certainly this was going to help, but there was no way that the paychecks would come before the due dates. But of course, with God, there is always a way.

We had applied for a Holiday Loan in December through our Tax service and were denied on some technicality. At that time we were told how much we could expect on our tax refund, and it was barely enough to cover our car expenses. Knowing we had to file, we scheduled our appointment to get our taxes done. Through some miracle - and I do believe it was God's miracle - we walked out of the tax office with a refund that took care of our cars, Zoe's surgery and then some. The lesson, as if I needed a reminder, See What God Can Do. That same day we were called for an interview with a magazine for an article on our Theatre Company. That same day, Ellen, who if you'll remember from an earlier post had been exhibiting signs of Attention Deficit Disorder, came home with an "Improved" Report Card. God basically said, "What Debt?" "What Struggle?" "What ADD?" all in one breath. Yes, see what God can do.

With this new job I got at 2.50 more per hour than I was making as Donut Girl, Derek can finally quit his second job. The pay equals what I was making at my old job and Derek was making at his second job, combined. Praise, Praise and more Praise.

Also, at this job, I have already been approached by four different people who want to know about my Faith. They started calling me "Sunshine" because I'm always smiling. Can you believe it? Me - Danielle "Murphy, the Cynic" Scott is revered as "Sunshine"??? Again, see what God can do.

And finally, "the sign" that some would dismiss as mere coincidence, but I took as my literal "Message from God." While on my lunch hour from my job, which I usually take around 3 a.m., I walk into Sheetz for a cup of coffee where I intend to sit and do my Devotions. This particular day, however, I don't have a Devotional with me, so I'm not sure what scripture to study. Right in front of me are these little plaques, if you will, with nice sayings on them. And there before me stands the one which brings the tears to my eyes: "In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:6

This is the prophecy Pastor Bond spoke over Derek and I last year at about this time. In all of my turmoil, instead of wailing "Woe is Me," I have finally come to a place where I am looking to God for the lesson - acknowledging His power in my circumstance. In all of my pain, I have learned to praise. Now, please don't get me wrong. I am not writing this to say "look at me, what a good Christian I've become." Absolutely not. I am merely saying, again, "See what God can do." I KNOW He will do for you what He's done for me when you learn to seek His wisdom when the storms are raging. When you learn to seek Him and praise Him because you know not what else to do, and when you acknowledge that everything you're going through is Because God PERIOD, He shall direct thy paths.

After this revelation, Senator Madigan's office called the next morning. They want to hear more about my "Center for the Arts."

Whew.

God is so good. All the time.

Song of Deliverance

2007-03-12T14:11:00.000-04:00

Then Peter began to say unto Him, Lo, we have left all, and have followed Thee... . Mark 10:28

For weeks I have been clinging to the "No Limits" CD by Martha Munizzi. I have a tendency to find solace in music when I'm going through a major transformation. This CD beats Destiny's Child's song "Survivor," any day. It is on my computer. It is in my car. It is even downloaded onto my daughter Ellen's MP3 player which I take to work and listen to, almost daily.

One song that stirs my soul is called "Renew Me." The lyrics repeat:
"Renew me. Remake me.
Create in me a clean heart, oh God.
Restore me. Transform me.
Create in me a clean heart, oh God.
Change my heart oh Lord. I'm broken before you now.
Take me as I am. Receive the sacrifice."

Through a haunting repetition of "Change me. Change me. Change me." and the plea: "Don't cast me away from your presence, renew a right spirit within me. For my heart is broken before you, I bow down before you and worship." As this CD was recorded from a live concert, Martha sings, "Let this be your prayer tonight - that God would open up your heart, open up your mind, open up your spirit ears." This has been my prayer daily for weeks now. Through a series of several events, this change has come.

Since the last post I had been trying to "take a back seat" to my self. I hid in the pews in the rear of the church. I would not go up to sing with the choir. One Sunday I actually stayed in the nursery all three services. I was feeling the need to rearrange my worship. I had to stop standing outside of myself. I had to give full glory to God. So I grasped humility and held it tight like a blanket. I refused to let my self get in the way of my worship.

One Sunday I sort of got pushed out of my pew and the only place left to sit was in the very front. It was that Sunday, after singing, "I'm gonna fly like an eagle high" that Brother Brian spoke about being the eagle soaring high above the earth so he can look down and see his miracle. Brother Eugene then spoke on how we limit God. We say we have faith but we doubt in the same breath and doubt is the opposite of faith. I can't remember all the details now, but I do remember feeling that it was time to believe that God was going to move in a mighty way if I would just believe with no holding back. I went up for prayer and next thing you know I found myself flat on my back, praising in tongue and laughing hysterically. It was as if I had been released, delivered from my own fear and sense of self. It is also important to note that although I had begun speaking in tongues about a year ago, in recent months I had stopped. Somewhere along the line I began to doubt that this language was truly from the Holy Spirit. How much harder I laughed when this language reappeared without any conscious effort. I laughed until I cried and then laughed some more.

Week 2 - Brother Tim spoke further about how we limit God. He preached on believing in miracles - Because God PERIOD. Unknowingly, he used the example of your child being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. He went on to say how you're preparing to take your child to a pediatrician for diagnosis and then psychologists and psychiatrists and who knows what kind of medication will be prescribed when you should be going to the one True Doctor who is the Only One who can cure. I burst into tears and I mean BURST. Many of you do not know this, but I have been struggling with Ellen all year. She is highly gifted, but yet the problems kept rising up. Unfinished homework. No interest in school. Couldn't write a short essay. Reads at a sixth grade level and yet hates to read. So there we were - ready to get her offically diagnosed even though she fit every description in the DSM-IV, when Brother Tim reminded me of the One True Doctor we need. My tears were of repentance for underestimating God's power. For my ignorance. The sermon moved on. Next thing you know, everyone is praying in the spirit to strengthen our faith and the faith of others. I was sincerely resting at the feet of Jesus, when Brother Brian grabs my head and down I go. This time delivered from cigarettes.

During the weeks in between, my Theatre Company had been rehearsing our play, "My Soul Looked Back and Wondered." We performed it on March 1 to an audience of about 30. I was a bit underwhelmed with the response to our efforts and immediately began asking God what needed to change in order that this Theatre Company might become a true Ministry. He revealed to me drastic change. The Board would have to be limited to Christians. In light of this, Cast parties could no longer have alcohol present. I was to cut off all ties with those who are not Christians around me so that I would not be pulled down to a level below what is pleasing to God. All the while I just kept praying to God, "I just want to be Right before you." We reorganized our Theatre Company and our first meeting with a Board made up of God-led, Spirit-led people on Saturday. Deliverance from the bondage of sin.

Months ago Ellen came to me asking to be baptized. I immediately contacted Pastor Bond to see if this was possible. He replied that the next time he offered an invitation to Baptism, Ellen was welcome to come up. The next time that we were in service and Baptism was offered I sougth out Ellen and asked her if she were ready to be baptized to which she replied, "I'm too scared." I took a moment to pray and ask God for the words and the wisdom that would take away her fear. I heard God say, "Be baptized with her." I said to myself, "I was already baptized. God didn't really say that. I don't feel like getting wet today."

The rest of the day, my spirit grieved. I had grieved God and missed the opportunity to have my child take one of the most important steps in her faith. That evening Ellen and I had a talk. I promised her that the next time an invitation to Baptism was extended, I would be baptized with her so she wouldn't have to be afraid.

On Sunday, March 11th, Ellen and I were baptized together. The joy that has come over me has been incredible. Ellen, however, is the true miracle. The change in her is visible. She is focused. She is serene. She no longer appears to be "bouncing off the walls." Ellen has been delivered.

Another song on the "No Limits" CD - "Great Exchange," remained a mystery to me. I could not make out the words. On Sunday as I was driving home, it suddenly dawned on me what the song was saying:

"My fear He is taking,
replacing with dancing
and singing a Song of Deliverance."

My heart rejoiced. My Spirit laughed uncontrollably. Yes, this is my Song of Deliverance.

Still Struggling

2007-02-05T11:50:00.000-05:00

I see myself as a scolded child writing on the chalkboard over and over again:

It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me. It is not about me.

God's the Teacher. I'm the student. I haven't learned my lesson.

While I'm rolling out dough, icing donuts, mopping the floor, dealing with my co-worker who drives me crazy, some days I'm reduced to tears. I think to myself, "Oh how the mighty have fallen." And God's voice immediately breaks into my conscience, saying, "You were never mighty." And I repent and pray, "You're right Lord, I was never mighty, for only You are mighty." And I find a way to continue on, albeit with a heavy heart.

I am exhausted beyond belief. My body aches in ways it has never ached before. My life is completely upside-down. My house looks like a bomb went off. My kids are desperate for my attention. Bigger problems are emerging everywhere, and I have not the energy to face them head on. And then today, my beloved "Devotional Email" pops into my Inbox.

ARE YOU WILLING TO BE OFFERED?
Philippians 2:17
Yea, and if I be offered upon the sacrifice and service of your faith, I joy and rejoice with you all.

From "My Utmost for His Highest:"
"Are you willing to be offered for the work of the faithful - to pour out your life blood as a libation on the sacrifice of the faith of others? Or do you say - "I am not going to be offered up just yet, I do not want God to choose my work. I want to choose the scenery of my own sacrifice; I want to have the right kind of people watching and saying, 'Well done.'

It is one thing to go on the lonely way with dignified heroism, but quite another thing if the line mapped out for you by God means being a door-mat under other people's feet. Suppose God wants to teach you to say, "I know how to be abased" - are you ready to be offered up like that? Are you ready to be not so much as a drop in a bucket - to be so hopelessly insignificant that you are never thought of again in connection with the life you served? Are you willing to spend and be spent; not seeking to be ministered unto, but to minister? Some saints cannot do menial work and remain saints because it is beneath their dignity."

Can you say: "Wow?"

In context, Phillippians 2:17 is found at the end of verses 14-16, which are equally eye-opening:
14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing; 15 so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrifice and service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with you all.

Ouch. I have been grumbling to God. I have been disputing with God. I have certainly been forgetting the fact that I am a "light in the world." Well, it's not that I've forgotten. It's just hard to "be a light" at 3 am. Oops, there I go complaining again.

In my mind's eye, I have always been the one who is able to be humble, but also the one who is "a star." I can sit in my pew and act like I don't want anyone's eyes on me, but I stand outside of myself during worship, wondering who's watching me. I want to be on the Praise Team. I want to sing a solo in the choir. I want to preach. When I go to see a play, I envision myself in that role, of course doing a better job. When I watch "American Idol," I always dream of auditioning myself, and of course I make it. I feel I was born an entertainer - someone who is always on the stage, at the front of the crowd - all eyes on me. God is reckoning with this piece of my "self." If I cannot be last, I will never be first.

Everything we do, I said EVERYTHING WE DO, must be done to bring HIM glory. There is no piece of us that gets the credit. Sure, it feels good to be patted on the back. Sure, it makes us all warm and fuzzy to get recognition. It is what drives our human sides and those who do not know Christ to keep moving on. But for us, it must be more that drives us ever forward.

Yesterday's "Devotional Email" sums it up.

1 Corinthians 4:9-13
We are made as the filth of the world.

"My Utmost for His Highest" states:
"These words are not an exaggeration. The reason they are not true of us who call ourselves ministers of the gospel is not that Paul forgot the exact truth in using them, but that we have too many discreet affinities to allow ourselves to be made refuse. "Filling up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ" is not an evidence of sanctification, but of being "separated unto the gospel."

"Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you," says Peter. If we do think it strange concerning the things we meet with, it is because we are craven-hearted. We have discreet affinities that keep us out of the mire - I won't stoop, I won't bend. You do not need to, you can be saved by the skin of your teeth if you like; you can refuse to let God count you as one separated unto the gospel. Or you may say - "I do not care if I am treated as the offscouring of the earth as long as the Gospel is proclaimed." A servant of Jesus Christ is one who is willing to go to martyrdom for the reality of the gospel of God. When a merely moral man or woman comes in contact with baseness and immorality and treachery, the recoil is so desperately offensive to human goodness that the heart shuts up in despair. The marvel of the Redemptive Reality of God is that the worst and the vilest can never get to the bottom of His love. Paul did not say that God separated him to show what a wonderful man He could make of him, but "to reveal His Son in me."

I have often said when times of trouble surrounded me that "To be forged into a man or woman of God, you have to be in the fire." I also love the email that circulates about the Silver Smith who, when asked, "How do you know when the silver is finished being fired," the Silver Smith replies, "When I can see my reflection." It is revealed the Silver Smith is God, and we are the silver being refined. He is firing us until we, indeed, reveal His reflection in us.

I know no other way to end today's blog than to ask for your prayers during this time. I know that God is my Strength. I need to rest in my weakness and let Him knock my "old self" out with one powerful punch. I need to rejoice in the fact that I have a job. I need to be reminded to let my light shine at that job, because there are certainly some coworkers of mine who need Jesus.

I covet your prayers at this time for my life. May God lay waste to these human desires. May only His Son be revealed in me.

Philippians 1:3,
Danielle

Time to Make the Donuts

2007-01-18T13:55:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 6
1 In the year of King Uzziah's death I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, lofty and exalted, with the train of His robe filling the temple. 2 Seraphim stood above Him, each having six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. 3 And one called out to another and said, "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the LORD of hosts, The whole earth is full of His glory." 4 And the foundations of the thresholds trembled at the voice of him who called out, while the temple was filling with smoke.

5 Then I said, "Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I live among a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts." 6 Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the altar with tongs. 7 He touched my mouth with it and said, "Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is forgiven." 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

9 He said, "Go, and tell this people: 'Keep on listening, but do not perceive; Keep on looking, but do not understand.' 10 "Render the hearts of this people insensitive, their ears dull, and their eyes dim, otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and return and be healed." 11 Then I said, "Lord, how long?" And He answered, "Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant, houses are without people and the land is utterly desolate, 12 "The LORD has removed men far away, and the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land. 13 "Yet there will be a tenth portion in it, And it will again be subject to burning, Like a terebinth or an oak whose stump remains when it is felled. The holy seed is its stump."

From "My Utmost for His Highest:"
God did not address the call to Isaiah; Isaiah overheard God saying,"Who will go for us?" The call of God is not for the special few, it is for everyone. Whether or not I hear God's call depends upon the state of my ears; and what I hear depends upon my disposition. "Many are called but few are chosen," that is, few prove themselves the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ whereby their disposition has been altered and their ears unstopped, and they hear the still small voice questioning all the time, "Who will go for us?" It is not a question of God singling out a man and saying, "Now, you go." God did not lay a strong compulsion on Isaiah; Isaiah was in the presence of God and he overheard the call, and realized that there was nothing else for him but to say, in conscious freedom, "Here am I, send me."

Get out of your mind the idea of expecting God to come with compulsions and pleadings. When our Lord called His disciples there was no irresistible compulsion from outside. The quiet passionate insistence of His "Follow Me" was spoken to men with every power wide awake. If we let the Spirit of God bring us face to face with God, we too shall hear something akin to what Isaiah heard, the still small voice of God; and in perfect freedom will say, "Here am I; send me."

This scripture and what "My Utmost for His Highest" has to say about it speaks to me on many different levels. For me, there is a call to change and not in the ever-so-obvious "Here am I, send me" passage.

It has been nearly a month since I have shared my thoughts with you through this blog. It has been nearly that long since I have immersed myself in true devotion with God - except for in church. In this month I have experienced incredible change. This change has been wondrous and exciting; humbling and provoking. But this morning God reminded me of something. I have not been communicating with Him in devotional time and I have not been sharing His blessings to me with you. A sense of stagnancy and confusion has been the result. I found myself in an attitude of repentance this morning realizing once again as I continue to "expect the blessings to flow" God expects something of me first. Ouch. It was then that this passage in Isaiah spoke to my spirit and I knew what I had to do.

When I read the first few verses in Isaiah 6, my spirit is reminded that I, like Isaiah, have seen God. No, I have not seen His face surrounded by Seraphim, but I have seen His power working in my life and in the lives of those around me. I have experienced His love. I have felt His arms around me rocking me to sleep like an infant in her Father's arms. Yes, I KNOW my God is REAL.

Verse 5 demonstrates to me the ever-so-overwhelmed feeling that we experience as Christians. "God, I know You, but look at me, I'm a lowly person surrounded by lowly people who are backbiting and evil and I'm only one person in a nation of ugliness and a world of war and, and, and...." - you fill in the blank. How many times do we feel overwhelmed by the evil of this world and wonder how God could possibly expect "little ole me" to make a difference?

And then... verse 6. Just as Isaiah's lips were touched with that burning coal and his sins were forgiven and his iniquities were taken away, I too have been forgiven. God has made my sins as far as the East is from the West. With this sense of "newness," I find myself calling out... "Here am I, send me."

But it isn't that easy, is it? Sure, we feel excited to serve God at times, but then our "selves" get in the way. In our every day life, our dispositions block the way of God. We stop up our own ears from hearing God's call to us. We want to do what God wants us to do, but we also want to do what WE want to do. And sometimes the places that He puts on our hearts to "go" and the things that He gives us to "do" are "below" us. And we chuckle inside and say to God, "Surely, You don't mean me Lord." This brings me to the title of this blog today.

God has been reckoning with my spirit of Entitlement. For years now, I have been building my resume. I have been making connections, creating networks, becoming one of the "Who's Who" of Lewisburg - in my own mind. I have a college degree, which, may I add, I completed in 3 1/2 years and managed to make the Dean's List. I have worked at places of prestige. I have rubbed elbows with Congressmen.

God has given me a Vision to create a Center for the Arts, but in the meantime, my family needed cashflow now. I have to get my husband to stop working two jobs before his heart condition kills him. And although God was really blessing us and continues to do so, I knew it was time for me to return to work. So I submitted resumes EVERYWHERE. I tend to be a Jane-of-all-trades and have the experience to back it up, so I have one resume for Development jobs, one resume for University work, one resume for secretarial needs, one resume for writing. But in the end, after nearly a year of putting out my resumes and always getting the same response, "Well you were one of our final candidates, but we went with this person," God put it on my heart that I needed to learn to be a servant.

I needed to knock down this sense of entitlement and accept what He gives me.
I needed to praise Him for doing so.
I needed to see that the Center for the Arts was about HIM, not me - His Glory, not mine.
I needed to get a job - not a profession - a job.

Monday, January 8, 2007, I started my job as a Donut Fryer in the Bakery at Weis Markets in Lewisburg. I begin work at 3 AM. Yes, I said 3 AM. I have never worked so hard at one job in all of my life. From the moment you get on the floor, you're flying. The fresh donuts need to be in the case by 7 am and then you start your dough and roll out the donuts for the next day. It is backbreaking. It is exhausting. It is mind-boggling. But I praise God that He has given me this opportunity to help my family. I thank God that there might be someone in that Bakery that needs to see my light shine. I praise God that in a couple of months time, Derek WILL be able to quit his second job. I praise God that He has reminded me that I am owed NOTHING because HIS GRACE is sufficient for me.

And then verse 13 of Isaiah, Chapter 6 blazons itself on my heart:
13 "Yet there will be a tenth portion in it, And it will again be subject to burning, Like a terebinth or an oak whose stump remains when it is felled. The holy seed is its stump."

Here am I, Lord. Send me. Thank you for "felling" my "self" and my sense of entitlement. May this stump that remains be used as a holy seed for your Glory. Amen.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-21T12:07:00.000-05:00

The play is now over and yet the messages keep coming. Through a week of sheer exhaustion, I have wept and wept tears of joy. My heart is so full I don't know what to do, but to praise Him and praise him some more, and weep and weep some more.

I grew up in tune with the church-year calendar. At Christmas, you celebrate Jesus' birth. At Easter, you mourn his death and celebrate His resurrection. Easter has always had more spiritual significance to me. I am always left humbled by His death for me, but I am made new in His resurrection just as spring is blooming forth with new life. The crocuses are popping through ground, the magnolia trees are exploding with their all-too-fleeting beauty. Certainly Easter has always had more of an impact than Christmas.

But this year, something has drastically changed. I can only believe that this was God's purpose in making me write the play. I needed to grasp this lesson. I needed to make the Nativity real to me. As much as I believe it was meant for others, I now know it was for me, too.

So bear with me as I share this new message, this new revelation. Maybe some of you have captured this lesson long ago. To me, it is new and exciting and it has completely changed the significance of the Christmas Story in my mind and heart. May it be for you also.

We are called to be every person in the Nativity story. Each character serves as a model for what is expected of us in our Christian walk. It is so easy to dismiss each one's significance. But now, more than ever, I get so annoyed when I see a Nativity figurine set missing shepherds or missing kings, or worse - missing Joseph. Each one was written about in the Bible. Each one was there for a purpose. Each one of them represents us.

Let's begin with Mary.

Luke 1:26-38 -
Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the descendants of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And coming in, he said to her, "Greetings, favored one! The Lord {is} with you." But she was very perplexed at {this} statement, and kept pondering what kind of salutation this was. The angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God. "And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus. "He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end." Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, since I am a virgin?" The angel answered and said to her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God. "And behold, even your relative Elizabeth has also conceived a son in her old age; and she who was called barren is now in her sixth month. "For nothing will be impossible with God." And Mary said, "Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her.

Mary is our model for Faith. How many of us has God spoken to, and we respond, "Surely you don't mean me, Lord." How many of us use excuses to get out of doing what God is asking us to do. God told me to write this play. There was a little kicking and screaming, but I had to submit to Him this time. I am the better for it. There are countless things that I have refused God, or am still procrastinating. Mary reminds us that when God speaks, we should listen. When He says "Do," we do; when He says "Go," we go. To strive to have this perfect Faith should be each of our goals in our walk.

Then there is Joseph.

Matthew 1:18-25
Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit. And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly. But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. 21 "She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins." Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet: "BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL," which translated means, "GOD WITH US." And Joseph awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took Mary as his wife, but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son; and he called His name Jesus.

Joseph is another testament of Faith, but in a different way. To me, Joseph represents "the support network," as I like to call it. Our friends, our family and church members, even our spouses have stood by when we have been called to do something. They may have doubted us. They may have tried to talk us out of doing what God called us to do. We, ourselves, may have been in a position where God called someone else to do something and we doubted them. People tried to talk me out of doing this play, but I knew there was something greater at work. Let us be Joseph and remember his ability to have Faith, even though he and Mary were in a position to be targets of gossip and scorn. Let us remember to support those called to ministries, even when we don't understand.

Why the Shepherds?

Luke 2:8-20
In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 "This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased." When the angels had gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds began saying to one another, "Let us go straight to Bethlehem then, and see this thing that has happened which the Lord has made known to us." So they came in a hurry and found their way to Mary and Joseph, and the baby as He lay in the manger. When they had seen this, they made known the statement which had been told them about this Child. And all who heard it wondered at the things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart. The shepherds went back, glorifying and praising God for all that they had heard and seen, just as had been told them.

We are to be the Shepherds, making the story known. We have been called to God through some miracle, just as the Angels chose Shepherds, of all people. We are to be guardians of "our flock," being sure that none of them should go astray. We are to bring more smelly sheep into God's presence, so that they too, may witness all that God has done for us and what's more - find what it is that God will have us do for Him. That brings us to:

The Kings, the Magi, the Three Wise Men

Matthew 2:1-8
Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, magi from the east arrived in Jerusalem, saying, "Where is He who has been born King of the Jews? For we saw His star in the east and have come to worship Him." When Herod the king heard this, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him. Gathering together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Messiah was to be born. They said to him, "In Bethlehem of Judea; for this is what has been written by the prophet: 'AND YOU, BETHLEHEM, LAND OF JUDAH, ARE BY NO MEANS LEAST AMONG THE LEADERS OF JUDAH; FOR OUT OF YOU SHALL COME FORTH A RULER WHO WILL SHEPHERD MY PEOPLE ISRAEL.' " Then Herod secretly called the magi and determined from them the exact time the star appeared. And he sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and search carefully for the Child; and when you have found Him, report to me, so that I too may come and worship Him."

After hearing the king, they went their way; and the star, which they had seen in the east, went on before them until it came and stood over the place where the Child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. After coming into the house they saw the Child with Mary His mother; and they fell to the ground and worshiped Him. Then, opening their treasures, they presented to Him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

We are called to be like the Kings. We are to continually seek Him. We are to find our way to Him and present our gifts. Our gifts are the talents God has bestowed on us. We are to use these gifts to reflect the Glory back on Him.

We can be the Angels, woven throughout the Christmas Story - proclaiming His message, just as the Shepherds, using the words God gives us to speak into the lives of others.

That stable in which Jesus was born, with all those smelly animals, represents the world and we the people in this world. We were not worthy to be in the Lord's presence, but He came. The Nativity story shows us all the work we have to do.

We must have Mary's Faith.
We must support one another, like Joseph.
We must proclaim the good news, guide His sheep to Him and guard His sheep in Him like the Shepherds.
We must present our gifts to Him, just as the Kings did.
We must continue to let God use us, like the Angels.

And beyond all of that, let us not forget that Christmas is not just a time of celebrating Jesus' birth. That is only half of the message. He was born to die for us. As my favorite Choir song says so eloquently, "He came all this way to make your heart His home."

May your hearts be filled with awe and wonder for our God, Jesus Christ, this Christmas.

Thank you for reading my musings and meanderings. Thank you for taking the time to comment and encourage me.

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Danielle

Revelations

2006-12-15T00:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I cried until I ached.

For the first time in my life the reality of what Christ did for me and what He's calling me to be has brought me to the point of speechlessness. I can't even find the words to express the awe I have for Him. I can't even express the praise my heart feels for Him. It is so overwhelming, I just cry. And moan. And cry some more.

It is an emptying out of the old Self. I feel like an empty vessel, ready to be used. All the dings have been gently tapped out of me. I've been polished a bit. I am now ready for God to use me for His service.

I'm going to stray away from my usual format today. There won't be an excerpt from "My Utmost for His Highest." This message isn't really based on a certain scripture or text. It does have a lot to do with the Christmas Story, so it is biblically based. But right now, God has revealed some things to me and I know nowhere else to share them but here, with you - my dear friends and readers. And so I must. That's all I know.

Maybe you have heard this expression: "K.I.S.S., or Keep It Simple Stupid." Well I don't exactly like calling myself, or anyone else for that matter, stupid, so I just say "Keep it Simple."

I believe it was August or September when I felt God calling me to write a Children's Musical. I had never written a play before, so I didn't know what God was thinking. Really. Derek is the playwright, not me. But there it was - this plot for a play, stuck in my mind, refusing to let me go back to sleep when I got home from my three-hour paper route. I tossed and turned. I prayed, "Lord, I just need some sleep." I would close my eyes and the children of Revival Tabernacle would be having entire conversations in my head, laying the play out before me. I could see them move around the stage. I could see the set. Finally, I had no choice but to get up and feverishly write this play. Then came the songs. They flowed off my pen with little effort from me. I know this came from God. I have actually considered entitling the play: "'A Reason for the Season' by God," because I have had little to do with its creation.

A theme has arisen for this play - and for the bigger picture - Christmas itself. It is: "Keep It Simple." When I started out, I had visions of Paper Mache sculpted camels and donkeys; angels with wings and all kinds of artistic spectacle. But every step of the way, with fabric in hand, waiting for God to show me what the end product is to look like, I have heard His voice: "Keep It Simple, Danielle." Then, it was revealed to me: how to take a foil bread pan and turn it into a camel's head; how to take yards and yards of fabric and turn them into choir gowns without sewing one stitch; how to make a small church stage into three or four different places by only moving one set piece. God has layed out every step of the way for me, and the message becomes clearer: "Keep It Simple. Keep Christmas Simple. It is not in all the pageantry and excessiveness that the Christmas Story is found. It is in the simplicity of one truth: God made Himself into a tiny baby of lowly means to be born unto this world for the one singular purpose of dying for our sins." It is that simple.

And here I am. I'm still looking for a job. I applied to Weis Markets and K-Mart this week. Haven't heard anything. Bills are piling up. Cell phones are off. Satellite TV - disconnected. Between our two cars, we've had three flat tires this week. I find myself unable to buy a Christmas card - for anyone. I want to get a few gifts for friends who have brought me through some real struggles this year, but I don't have the means. Of course our children are taken care of - we bought early for them, knowing we wouldn't have it now if I still couldn't find a job.

And then I have this vision that I am the Little Drummer Boy standing at the Nativity of Jesus.
"Baby Jesus, pa rum-pum-pum-pum
I am a poor boy too pa rum-pum-pum-pum
I have no gift to bring pa rum-pum-pum-pum
That's fit to give a King pa rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum
Shall I play for you pa rum-pum-pum-pum
On my drum?"

I can write a play to bring God Glory. I can direct a play to bring God Glory. I can make Christmas cards to touch the hearts of those around me. I can make gifts for those who have changed my life.

It is not about the wealth, or the lack thereof, the over-abundance or the excess.

It is about that tiny baby - born in a barn - for US!

It is about spiritually stepping out of the way, becoming that empty vessel that God can use for His purpose.

It is finding, and I mean, really finding, those gifts that God gave you and using them to reflect the Glory back on HIM.

This Christmas, I challenge you to examine it all: The gifts you give, the money you've spent, the food you gorge yourself with. Where is Jesus in all of that?

He's lying in a manger filled with the straw the animals would have eaten. He's waiting for you to turn your eyes to Him this Christmas and present your gifts. All you have to do is remember three words:

"Keep It Simple."

Enter Into the Joy of Your Master

2006-11-25T13:05:00.000-05:00

Matthew 25:14-30
"For it is just like a man about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them.

To one he gave five talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey.

Immediately the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

Now after a long time the master of those slaves came and settled accounts with them. The one who had received the five talents came up and brought five more talents, saying, 'Master, you entrusted five talents to me. See, I have gained five more talents.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.'

Also the one who had received the two talents came up and said, 'Master, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more talents.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.'

And the one also who had received the one talent came up and said, 'Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed. And I was afraid, and went away and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.' But his master answered and said to him, 'You wicked, lazy slave, you knew that I reap where I did not sow and gather where I scattered no seed. Then you ought to have put my money in the bank, and on my arrival I would have received my money back with interest. Therefore take away the talent from him, and give it to the one who has the ten talents.'

For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. Throw out the worthless slave into the outer darkness; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

I don't want anything to do with a place where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth... and yet, it is what I deserve. Somewhere... and I don't know when... a Spirit of Fear came over me and bound me up, and the crazy thing is... I didn't even know it. Under the grasp of this fear I took my talent and buried it.

I used to FLAUNT my talent when I was a child... ask my Mom. I was so proud of my talent, if I were going to SHARE my talent, I stood in front of the room until all eyes were on me. If you chatted amongst yourselves, I'd stop and wait until you were quiet again. I wanted to show everyone my talent.

When did something I loved to share and teach become something I just wanted to hide?

In my last blog, which left many of you concerned, I wrote to you that I felt like I wasn't being given a place to share this talent of mine. I wrote that I had been encountering gossip and backbiting, not only in church, but also in my family and other networks.

I had been encountering gossip at church and in my family. I had also been experiencing some tension in my dealings regarding the Children's Musical. And yes, this was distracting me from my prayer time. But on Thursday evening, after a lovely Thanksgiving meal, I heard the most hurtful words I have ever heard said about me. My husband listened to my favorite Aunt, my number one fan, tell my daughter: "Ellen, you are so talented, just like your Mom. What a waste."

It is this statement that pushed me over the edge. It is this statement that became the proverbial straw on the camel's back and I was hurt - hurt beyond words. After weeks of feeling hurt coming from everywhere and only desiring Peace, I needed to use this blog to speak into some lives. But then, God revealed something to me: He needed to provoke me. He needed me to GET UP.

Well, I'm up now.

God gave me a Vision of a Center for the Arts over three years ago, and I've been sitting on it. I've kicked it around a bit... kicked it aside a bit.... denied its existence a bit. But it keeps coming back. And silly, crazy me has come up with every excuse not to step out in faith and do what I'm being called to do. God told me to write letters to wealthy landowners who may just donate a parcel of land to build this Center for the Arts. I kept saying, "Yep, God. I'll write the letters." He kept using Pastor Bond's sermons to open my eyes to what I needed to do: "See the miracle." How many times have I heard Pastor Bond preach, "You have everything you need." And yet, I refused to move forward. I kept telling myself, "When Perez comes, he'll be able to tell me what I need to do." Perez never revealed anything to me about my occupation in life, but God used Perez to release me from that spirit of fear. The next step was that blog in being able to speak into others' lives. All the while, I felt God saying "You need to be bolder."
When I read Sister Sarah Klugh's Blog, it hit home when she wrote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us, its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Between yesterday's sermons, last night's concert and coming home and turning to The Word, my heart is FULL. I believe and see the miracle. Then, through an incredible prayer and devotional time this morning another great thing was revealed to me: I spiritually had to step out of the way. The Center for the Arts is not about me and will never be about me. It is for God and His Glory. I am just a servant who will carry it out. This is what was meant when Pastor Bond and Sister Cora both said to me : "You will encounter great success when you begin to Acknowledge Him in All Things." None of this is for me or for my welfare. It is God's.

The Letters have been written and I'm ready to send them. I'll keep you updated with Praise Reports. Right now, I gotta go get my shovel. I know I have a few more talents buried around here. God has shown me that I'm going to need them.

God Called "Us" to Be

2006-11-23T23:21:00.000-05:00

Have mercy upon us, O Lord, have mercy upon us: for we are exceedingly piled with contempt. Psalms 123:3

From "My Utmost for His Highest:"
"The thing of which we have to beware is not so much damage to our belief in God as damage to our Christian temper. "Therefore take heed to thy spirit, that ye deal not treacherously." The temper of mind is tremendous in its effects, it is the enemy that penetrates right into the soul and distracts the mind from God. There are certain tempers of mind in which we never dare indulge; if we do, we find they have distracted us from faith in God, and until we get back to the quiet mood before God, our faith in Him is nil, and our confidence in the flesh and in human ingenuity is the thing that rules.

Beware of "the cares of this world," because they are the things that produce a wrong temper of soul. It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from God. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life.

Another thing that distracts us is the lust of vindication. St. Augustine prayed - "O Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself." That temper of mind destroys the soul's faith in God. "I must explain myself; I must get people to understand." Our Lord never explained anything; He left mistakes to correct themselves. When we discern that people are not going on spiritually and allow the discernment to turn to criticism, we block our way to God. God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede."

Bear with me as it is excruciatingly painful for me to speak the truth in love. The Spirit of Fear that has been binding me is gone now and I must share this with you. I see no other way out of my distraction. I see this as my way of interceding without confrontation. I pray that God will convict those who are guilty of this spirit of contempt so that we all may begin to live a richer and fuller life before God.

I am exceedingly piled with contempt. I am distracted by my lust of vindication. In my dealings with people as of late, who shall remain unnamed, I feel an incredible amount of tension in our dealings. I feel like I am being judged. I feel like I am not being given room to grow - to put down roots in my church and community. I am actually being choked out as the flower is by the weed.

I go to my prayer closet every morning. I begin to pray. Instead of being able to sit with God for the few moments I have in one day when I am not surrounded by children, my thoughts immediately turn to:

"Lord, what did I do to offend this person?" "Lord, should I say something, should I email them... what should I do?" "Maybe I should stay away." "Maybe I should find another church." "Maybe I should skip Christmas with my family this year." "Maybe I shouldn't do the Christmas Musical, after all." "Maybe the Theatre Company should call it quits." "Maybe God doesn't love me anymore."

It is not initially my spirit of criticism towards others, however, that is distracting me from God. It is the feeling that I am being criticized. Be it a Spirit of Jealousy or something else that I have not been able to identify, I feel the affects of others' contempt for me and that is blocking MY way to God because I, in a total state of confusion, have started to develop contempt against those who seem mad at me.

Do you see the importance and reciprocity of our relationship here??? There is a Horizontal and a Vertical to the Cross. The Vertical represents our personal relationship with God. The Horizontal represents our relationship to one another. God calls us to be in relationship to one another:

Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his saltiness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another" (Mark 9:50).

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another" (John 13:34).

"By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another" (John 13:35).

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you" (John 15:12).

"These things I command you, that ye love one another" (John 15:17).

"Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law" (Rom. 13:8).

"And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you" (1 Thess. 3:12).

"But as touching brotherly love you need not that I write unto you: for ye yourselves are taught of God to love one another" (1 Thess. 4:9).

"Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently" (1 Pet. 1:22).

"For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another" (1 John 3:11).

"And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment" (1 John 3:23).

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God" (1 John 4:7).

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another" (1 John 4:11).

"No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us" (1 John 4:12).

"And now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another" (2 John 1:5)

"Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another" (ROM 12:10).

"Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits" (ROM 12:16).

"Now the God of patience and consolation grant you to be likeminded one toward another according to Christ Jesus" (ROM 15:5).

"Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another" (ROM 14:19).

"Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do" (1 Thess. 5:11).

"Wherefore receive ye one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God" (ROM 15:7)

"And I myself also am persuaded of you, my brethren, that ye also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another" (ROM 15:14).

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord" (Col. 3:16)

"Salute one another with a holy kiss. The churches of Christ salute you" (ROM 16:16).

"All the brethren greet you. Greet ye one another with an holy kiss" (1 Cor. 16:20).

"Greet one another with an holy kiss" (2 Cor. 13:12).

"Greet ye one another with a kiss of charity. Peace be with you all that are in Christ Jesus. Amen" (1 Pet. 5:14).

"That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another" (1 Cor. 12:25).

"For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to be flesh, but by love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13).

"With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love" (Eph. 4:2).

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you" (Eph. 4:32).

"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye" (Col. 3:13).

"Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21).

"Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble" (1 Pet. 5:5)

"Wherefore comfort one another with these words" (1 Thess. 4:18).

"But exhort one another daily, while it is called Today; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin" (Heb. 3:13).

"Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching" (Heb. 10:25).

"And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works" (Heb. 10:24).

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much" (Jas. 5:16).

"Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous" (1 Pet. 3:8).

"Use hospitality one to another without grudging" (1 Pet. 4:9)

"As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God" (1 Pet. 4:10).

"Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumbling block or an occasion to fall in his brothers way" (ROM 14:13).

"But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another" (Gal. 5:15).

"Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another" (Gal. 5:26).

"Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds" (Col. 3:9).

"Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the low, but a judge" (Jas. 4:11).

"Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door" (Jas. 5:9).

If I am a member of your family and I have wronged you, tell me. If I am a member of your church and you heard that I was doing something wrong, bring it to my attention. But don't think for one minute that I am not sensitive enough to notice how curt your responses to my questions are; your inability to look me in the eye or even smile genuinely. Do not think that I am too spiritually dumb to see your condescension in your dealings with me. Do not fool yourselves into believing that God doesn't hear your gossip; that He doesn't know your heart.

And if you still don't care because it's me... think about when you do it to someone else. You may just stop another person from seeing your light shine. You may have just lost a soul that could have been won to God through you.

As for me, I will continue to pray for God's intervention. I will keep showing Love because my grandmother always taught me that "you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."

I will pray for us, that our relationship may one day be restored.

A New Perspective

2006-10-24T09:12:00.000-04:00

2 Corinthians 2:14
Now thanks be to God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ.

From "My Utmost For His Highest:"
"The viewpoint of a worker for God must not be as near the highest as he can get, it must be the highest. Be careful to maintain strenuously God's point of view, it has to be done every day, bit by bit; don't think on the finite. No outside power can touch the viewpoint.

The viewpoint to maintain is that we are here for one purpose only, viz., to be captives in the train of Christ's triumphs. We are not in God's showroom, we are here to exhibit one thing - the absolute captivity of our lives to Jesus Christ. How small the other points of view are - I am standing alone battling for Jesus; I have to maintain the cause of Christ and hold this fort for Him. Paul says - I am in the train of a conqueror, and it does not matter what the difficulties are, I am always led in triumph. Is this idea being worked out practically in us? Paul's secret joy was that God took him, a red-handed rebel against Jesus Christ, and made him a captive, and now that is all he is here for. Paul's joy was to be a captive of the Lord, he had no other interest in heaven or in earth. It is a shameful thing for a Christian to talk about getting the victory. The Victor ought to have got us so completely that it is His victory all the time, and we are more than conquerors through Him.

"For we are unto God a sweet saviour of Christ." We are enwheeled with the odour of Jesus, and wherever we go we are a wonderful refreshment to God."

We are?

I am?

Did that passage just say I smell like Jesus?

Now you have to understand that a mother knows the scent of her child. Fathers do, too. How often have we seen it portrayed on TV that when a child dies, one of the first instincts of a grieving parent is to lift that child's pillow up, hug it and breathe in that scent? It brings comfort, somehow.

I am a wonderful refreshment to God?

My kids are a wonderful refreshment to me. I actually can get more done when they are home and in the way, than when they are not. When the kids are not home, I feel like something's missing. But when all four of my children are under one roof, there is a Peace that comes over me, even when all four of them decide to sing karaoke right outside my bedroom door at 7am on a Saturday. The sound of their laughter in unison stirs my soul and makes me feel like I'm doing something right because my kids love each other, which is rare among step-siblings.

Does God love me like that?

I need to take a moment and let that soak in. How much does changing our perspective of God's love for us then change who we are and what we want to become?

You see, I've been struggling with this whole "one foot in the world, one foot in the church" thing. I hate this world, and yet I feel the need to serve it. I feel the need to change it. I've been struggling, again, with what God's will for my life is. I want to know what I'm going to be when I grow up. I know what God has given me - the theatrical, musical and dance talents and a deep desire to educate others of the importance of diversity and social justice. Where do my God-given gifts, my deepest desires and the cause of Christ all intersect? It has to be a ministry, but it also has to pay the bills... or does it?

When I grasp the concept of God loving me - having the hairs on my head numbered, knowing my scent, it humbles me. I need only to praise God right now. I need only to stand in His glory, for His glory. I need only to let all those around me know that I am "captive to Christ."

It is when I stop the worrying and the fretting and the spinning of my wheels that God gives me words to write into a play, or a song, or this blog. My husband can tell you that I have never been able to write a play before, and the only thing I understand about music is the melody line played on a clarinet and the three-part harmony of an a cappella girl's group. But here I am, directing a Children's Musical that God put on my heart with the words and the songs coming from my pen. And suddenly, I know that, as Brother Jim preached the other Sunday, I'm walking in my Calling. I might not have a paycheck - yet. But the Lord has made me captive unto Him. He has blessed me with these gifts. I need only to continue to give Him the due praise. Now thanks be to God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ. 2 Cor. 2:14

Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me...
the Bible tells me so.

Accepting the Change

2006-10-06T11:46:00.000-04:00

Galatians 1:15, 16
But when God, who had set me apart {even} from my mother's womb and called me through His grace, was pleased to reveal His Son in me so that I might preach Him among the Gentiles, I did not immediately consult with flesh and blood...

From "My Utmost For His Highest":
"If Jesus Christ is to regenerate me, what is the problem He is upagainst? I have a heredity I had no say in; I am not holy, nor likely to be; and if all Jesus Christ can do is to tell me I must be holy, His teaching plants despair. But if Jesus Christ is a Regenerator, One Who can put into me His own heredity of holiness, then I begin to see what He is driving at when He says that I have to be holy. Redemption means that Jesus Christ can put into any man the hereditary disposition that was in Himself, and all the standards He gives are based on that disposition: His teaching is for the life He puts in. The moral transaction on my part is agreement with God's verdict on sin in the Cross of Jesus Christ.

The New Testament teaching about regeneration is that when a man is struck by a sense of need, God will put the Holy Spirit into his spirit, and his personal spirit will be energized by the Spirit of the Son of God, "until Christ be formed in you." The moral miracle of Redemption is that God can put into me a new disposition whereby I can live a totally new life. When I reach the frontier of need and know my limitations, Jesus says - "Blessed are you." But I have to get there. God cannot put into me, a responsible moral being, the disposition that was in Jesus Christ unless I am conscious I need it.

Just as the disposition of sin entered into the human race by one man, so the Holy Spirit entered the human race by another Man; and Redemption means that I can be delivered from the heredity of sin and through Jesus Christ can receive an unsullied heredity, viz., the Holy Spirit."

On Tuesday, October 3, 2006 on a beautiful sunny day in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, my grandmother, Rita Gervais Murphy, was laid to rest. But oh so much more of me went with her, as God continues to make me into His servant.

My grandmother never really accepted me, or at least that is how she made me feel. One of the main reasons was that I was being raised Protestant and not Catholic as she was, and because she didn't understand the difference, nor seek to find answers, I may as well have been raised Jewish, or maybe even Atheist. She didn't understand that we worshipped the same God, believed in the same triune, but she never asked either. Instead, I was just, for the most part, ignored.

Growing up, I remember Christmases when she would call my dad to tell him all the great gifts she got the kids - fur coats and 10-speed bikes. My brother and I got nothing. I remember staying at her house, playing outside, and watching her run towards the car with my aunt and cousin and watching the car take off. I later found out they went for chinese food without me. I was left to eat cold cereal for dinner.

I could go on and on, but my point is not to drudge up the past, but to paint a picture for you as to where all the anger, sarcasm and cynicism came from that I wrote of in my previous post. I grew up not knowing my grandmother's unconditional love. I still worked for her attention and acknowledgment, but was time and time again turned down. The years filled me with all of this ugliness. I didn't like who I had become, and yet I felt powerless to do anything to change it. But as I wrote in my previous post, God took care of it. I find it no accident that on September 17, 2006 God took away all the negativity inside of me, and just eleven days later, He took the root of it away.

So there I was at my grandmother's viewing. I had gotten to a level of forgiveness where I wasn't angry with her anymore, but I wasn't going to gush tears over her passing. As I stood there, I listened to comments made by friends and family. "She was so spunky." People tell me I'm spunky all the time. My mom's not spunky. My dad's not spunky. I must have gotten that from her. "She loved her purple." Purple is my favorite color. "Oh, she could make you laugh!" How many times have I been told I should do Stand-up or go on SNL? And the night continued with me jotting mental notes of all that was good about this woman and all that I had received from this woman. And then it happened - my Aunt asked me if I would do the Eulogy.

In a moment, I will share the Eulogy that I wrote. But let me take this moment to tell you dear friends, if there is anything inside of you preventing you from experiencing all Christ has for you, please give it to God. Where that nagging in the back of your mind continues, search it and find out what God is trying to say. Then pray for Him to regenerate you. Don't try to do it yourself. Call on His holiness to make you Holy or else you'll be left in despair.

The priest who gave the sermon may not have known the impact of his words, but he actually took the time to say, "If any of you were hurt by Rita or bear any anger towards her for not acting Christ-like, remember that she was human and that we all fall short of the glory of God. Forgive her as Christ has forgiven you."

And there it was like a big "Duh!" above my head.

My grandmother was not God, but because she was my grandmother I expected her to be god-like all the time. How often do we expect God's level of love and commitment in our human relationships and when we are let down, never understand why or what went wrong? I have to tell you this, especially you RevTab members out there: there I was saying "That's Right, That's Right" out loud in a Catholic church. Too funny! But suddenly the forgiveness for my grandmother was there - all the pain of the past was released. I stood up to the pulpit and delivered this Eulogy. Praise God for the transformation He has just brought me through. I pray you will seek and accept the changes He brings about when they come to you.

She wore orchid, her favorite color.

And when she pursed her lips,

You knew it would be followed by a line in French,

Maybe understandable,

Maybe not,

But enough to make you pay attention -

An internal giggle always followed the words “Tete de pinoche!”

She was Rita - Full of spunk, full of fervor,

And I laugh to myself when I realize

Why I purse my lips,

Why I love any shade of purple,

Why I speak in puns,

Why I call my children “bebe.”

I laugh when I realize -Though the years and the miles separated us,

She made her mark.

Rita made her mark in this world.

She made her mark on you, dear friends,

She made her mark on us, her family.

And each of us - through genetics -

And each of you - through chance meeting,

Or tried and true friendship,

Now carry a bit of Rita in this world -

And because of this,
Rita will live on.

She will live on in the beauty of her great-grandchildren,

She will live on every time we are served,

or serve,

hors d’oevres.

She will live on in my love of coffee,

Potato pancakes,

And each stitch of knit or crochet.
Yes, our Rita will live on.

She will live on in each blot

Of the Bingo blotter,

Her laughter will reign

In each of our ears.

And whether we called her Sister,

Ma,

Memere,

or friend,

We will live our lives knowing,

We will search our hearts knowing,

We will examine our souls, KNOWING,

We are who we are today -

Perhaps, we are better people today -

We know happiness the way we do today -

Because Rita lived - and oh she still lives -
On.

Most of you may not recognize me. I was the grand-daughter who moved away twenty-two years ago, this past June. But I would like to think that because our visits together were too few and too far between, it made me soak in every second of the time I spent with my grandmother, my Memere - the remarkable Rita Ida Gervais Murphy.

Over the years, I have been a somewhat quiet observer in my grandmother’s presence. I have watched how she cared for my Gampa. I have watched how she showed love to her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I have seen her children continue to honor her daily, and I have learned through her stories of her interactions with friends - as numerous as the stars - of the joy with which she lived and brought to the loves of all who were blessed to meet her.

My husband and I run a Theatre Company in a rural town in Pennsylvania, and although the ends don’t always meet, we live by the philosophy that when you die, there is very little that tells of your life on your grave marker except a birth date and a death date. But the most important detail on any grave marker is the “dash” between those two dates. My husband and I constantly remind each other and those around us that life is about “living the dash.”

My grandmother, Rita, lived the dash. She touched lives, mended hearts, created laughter, lifted people up and stayed faithful to her God and Creator Jesus Christ. She will not leave us sorrowful. Sure, we will miss her. Sure, our lives will never be the same without her. But I ask that you join with me in a spirit of celebration of her life as she has not only won the battle - hard fought - and found Victory in the arms of Jesus - but that she has lived that dash and left an eternal legacy of joy and laughter and spunky-spiritedness behind.

That spirit is found in all of us - Uncle Johnny, Auntie Donna, my father Rick, my mother, Gwen; Auntie Moe, Uncle Jimmy; Jay, Carrie, Nicki, Erin, my brother Kyle, and the latest joys of her life: Ryan, Lyndsie, PJ, Jason, Ellen, Lauren, Julia, Zoe, Brayten, and Jackson.
Thank you, Rita - Sister, Ma, Memere, friend, for leaving your imprint on all of our lives. We will learn to celebrate you everyday. Yes, Rita will live on.

The War Has Begun

2006-09-08T08:11:00.000-04:00

It all began the week of September 11, and I don't see any irony in that. God had given me a message called "Speaking Into Your Life," and I was feverishly typing away - typing a message to You, dear friends, to let you know how much I long for you to surrender your lives to God - how much God longs for you to surrender your life to Him. I was typing away so feverishly, in fact, that I forgot to click "Save." Down the stairs came my cat - flying - as she was being chased by the dog. They both skidded around the corner into the living room - right across my phone line, disconnecting my Internet connection. I quickly reconnected to the Internet, hoping I had clicked "Save" at some point, pleading that the program had "Autosaved" at some point. When I pulled up the Blog - there was nothing - just a title and an empty page.

Saddened, I decided to quit for a few minutes, go take care of some stuff around the house and come back, hopefully finding the words to write to you once again. I walked back into the room and there it was - my extra large, styrofoam Dunkin Donuts cup, lying across my keyboard, the last drop seeping into the keys of the keyboard. It seems Miss Zoe didn't like the cup being in her way, so she just knocked it down, frying my keyboard and taking out my laptop. No more blogging. No more email. No more grantwriting for my Foundation. No more minutes and agendas for my Theatre Company. My laptop was taken out by my precious two year-old. Figuring out how to balance time at the library with the needs of this home couldn't quite get worked out.

So there I found myself, for three days in fact, clearing out the junk, defragging and stripping my dinosaur computer. Well, it is on this dinosaur computer that I type right now, so Praise God for this small favor. I could return to my varied work, albeit more slowly than usual, but who's complaining?

It was that Sunday that Pastor called "those who feel like they are under attack" to come forward to the altar. He related to us that he had heard stories of unexplainable difficulties mounting in the lives of our church members, like never before. Well my mountain at that time was just a molehill, but I walked up to the altar. We started singing praise songs claiming Victory in Jesus over all our troubles, over all our struggles. I don't exactly remember what was said, I don't remember what brought me to tears, but I remember crying - REALLY CRYING, sobbing before the Lord. It kept feeling like someone was trying to take out my knees. I, of course, kept fighting it. I heard the Lord say, "Surrender it all to me, Danielle." The next thing you know, I'm on my back on the floor in almost a seizure-like trembling, contorted position.

Messages from the Lord kept filling my ears: "Let go of the anger. Let go of the sarcasm. Let go of your cynicism. I want more for you. You are to be gentle and tender and loving in all of your dealings with your friends, your acquaintances, your children, even your dog. Let go Danielle. Let go." In my mind, I answered back. "I can't. This is who I am. I don't know how to live without sarcasm and cynicism. It's in my Irish/German/French ancestry." Then God said, "I want MORE." And for a moment, I gave in and a deep Peace flowed through me. But then, I got up and I immediately started to doubt if I was indeed "changed." The trembling started again. I found myself fighting against it until I felt as if I was vibrating the whole pew. Finally, Brother Brian came to my side and whispered "Accept the change." And I did. Once again, the Peace came over me. I sat in the pew exhausted, but content - in a way that I probably have not felt since the day I first accepted Christ as Savior on June 10 of 1990.

This is what I had wanted God to change in me for as long as I can remember. I was never happy being so... grumpy, for a lack of a better word. I kept trying to change myself. I took Zoloft to alter my mood. But I couldn't do it. He had to do it and He finally did.

I am happy to tell you that I have remained calm and content since that Sunday. I haven't resorted to yelling at my kids or sarcasm with my husband. But ever since that day, September 17, the attacks have become more intense.

September 20 - My grandmother on my father's side, with whom I have a strained relationship, slipped into a coma. I am now faced with the fact that I may never be able to resolve things with her, for we may never speak again.

September 24 - On my way to pay my cell phone bill, they disconnected my cell phone for which we had to pay 26.50 per phone to reconnect, and after having paid to have the phones reconnected, my friends are still telling me they can't always get through. They get a message saying, "This person does not accept incoming calls."

September 25 - The sheriff stopped by to put a levy on my van. Long story involving a woman who won't sign a paper, PennDOT who won't sign over a title and a lot of other insanity has now rendered my van useless to my family of six.

Later that night, I went to teach my dance classes. I had to move a piece of plywood for the tap dancing portion of my class when I got a splinter in the underside of my ring finger on my left hand. I pulled it out, used tissue to clot the bleeding and continued teaching. The class is made up of 3-5 year olds, I couldn't make a big deal of a "boo-boo." After class, I went to dinner with my parents, got dropped off at home and all the sudden my finger was really throbbing. I looked at it and found it swollen to the point that I could twist my wedding rings, but I couldn't get them off. By 9 pm, it was bigger. By 10 pm - it was gross. I drove myself to the emergency room where they CUT my WEDDING RINGS OFF. Then I had x-rays taken, a tetanus shot administered, a splint applied and pain relievers and antibiotics prescribed - all from a simple splinter.

September 26 - I got up, finished some work I had to do on the Internet and thought to myself, "I'm just going to do my blog quickly, and then I have to get to the phone company to pay our bill before they disconnect our house phone. I opened my blog page to begin blogging, and all the power went off in the house. It was the monthly generator test that they do here on the reservation, but they never tell us when it's going to happen. Sarah Klugh called me on my cell phone a little later - after the power came on, but before I was able to get out the door to pay my phone bill. The first words out of her mouth were "What's wrong with your phone? It says its not in service." There's another 25 dollar reconnection fee.

September 27 - I woke up early, got Ellen off to school and decided "I really haven't caught up on this sleep deficit caused by doing the newspaper route. I'm going to lie down for a few hours." Suddenly, I woke up - my mind filled with things I had to do. I checked our bedroom alarm clock - 9:39 a.m. I went downstairs to feed the cat and dog and let the dog out. My cell phone rang to let me know I had a Voice Mail message. The computerized voice said "One new message at 11:33 am." "Hmmm..." I thought, "my bedroom clock must be wrong." I closed my cell phone to look at the clock. It was 12:44 pm. I had a 1 pm appointment to meet with Sisters Jill and Mikie. I made it there - a few minutes late, but I made it.

Later that night I had to teach my yoga class. Derek needed the car to go to work, so I had hoped to catch my friend Lisa on the way to class for a ride. I called and I called and I got her voice mail. I started walking towards the studio with my cell in hand. I kept dialing her number over and over - 5 bars - I should have a full-strength signal. The phone wouldn't even ring. I made it all the way to the corner of Fourth and Market Streets until I finally got a hold of Lisa - two blocks away from my destination and I ended up making it to the studio before her -about a 3-mile walk with no phone reception.

Today, September 28 - the hospital is taking my grandmother off of life support. She may live. She may die. Either way, I'm stuck here in Pennsylvania without anyway of telling her all that is on my heart.

Can you say "Under Attack?"

Despite all of this, you would think I'm ready to blow up. By now I should have punched a wall, screamed at my husband, kicked the dog, humiliated my children out of human anger, frustration and just plain "being sick and tired of it all."

But you know what? I'm resting. R-E-S-T-I-N-G - RESTING. For the first time in my life, I am not falling on the floor crying, "Oh, woe is me..." I'm resting in the Lord's power to take care of it all. I'm walking through the storm with my head held high knowing that I must be doing something right or Satan wouldn't be working so hard to get me down. I find myself, like Paul, writing letters to you, my church of Corinth, in a spirit of love and encouragement so you may also be able to hold your heads high though the attacks are everywhere.

2 Corinthians 10:3-8
10:3 - For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh,
10:4 - for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.
10:5 - {We are} destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and {we are} taking every thought captive to the obedience Christ,
10:6 - and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete.
10:7 - You are looking at things as they are outwardly. If anyone is confident in himself that he is Christ's, let him consider this again within himself, that just as he is Christ's, so also are we.
10:8 - For even if I boast somewhat further about our authority, which the Lord gave for building you up and not for destroying you, I will not be put to shame.
10:9 - For I do not wish to seem as if I would terrify you by my letters.
10:10 - For they say, "His letters are weighty and strong, but his personal presence is unimpressive and his speech contemptible."
10:11 - Let such a person consider this, that what we are in word by letters when absent, such persons {we are} also in deed when present.
10:12 - For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding.
10:13 - But we will not boast beyond {our} measure, but within the measure of the sphere which God apportioned to us as a measure, to reach even as far as you.
10:14 - For we are not overextending ourselves, as if we did not reach to you, for we were the first to come even as far as you in the gospel of Christ;
10:15 - not boasting beyond {our} measure, {that} {is,} in other men's labors, but with the hope that as your faith grows, we will be, within our sphere, enlarged even more by you,
10:16 so as to preach the gospel even to the regions beyond you, {and} not to boast in what has been accomplished in the sphere of another.
10:17 - But HE WHO BOASTS IS TO BOAST IN THE LORD.
10:18 - For it is not he who commends himself that is approved, but he whom the Lord commends.

Lessons from a Cat

2006-09-06T18:14:00.000-04:00

It was May when we had to put our beloved Pit Bull, Mugsy, down - he was only four. He had begun to get aggressive with me while disobeying my every command and one day snapped at me when I grabbed the newspaper to correct him. Then, one fine day, he decided to escape the kennel in our backyard, chase inmates who were doing yardwork around the grounds and get into a little scrap with a very aggressive Black Lab. Of course all the blame went to Mugsy, and we were asked to get rid of him.

We searched our hearts for a solution, but all available research pointed in one direction. The advice, as cold as it seemed, said, "If your Pit Bull has snapped - even once - don't give it to another family where someone else could get hurt." With heavy hearts we took Mugsy to be euthanized and then buried him through lots of tears.

I've had lots of pets over the years - dogs, cats, birds, fish, rabbits, lizards, and of course, a turtle. My turtle, Agape, was absolutely the best pet ever and I loved her for eight long years before one spring, she failed to come out of hibernation. The birds were too noisy and dirty. the lizards - escape artists that chose to bite the hand that fed them. Fish are still nice, but because I have a ten year old African Cichlid named Tommy who eats everything that moves and refuses to die, my 55 gallon tank is home to none but he.

There have been times in my life that I really did not like cats. They are so predatorial. I don't really enjoy finding dead birds and mice at my door. The feral neighborhood cats wreak havoc - breaking garbage bags open and spilling the cans all over the road and yard. But most of all, I never could find a cat who loved me. I seem to have a knack for picking the cat who would just look at me with that condescending, "Be My Slave - Feed Me" look. So, i made up my mind - stick with dogs.

Derek and I made up our minds we were going through a Rescue to find our next canine friend. We looked and looked. We attended adopt-a-thons and called places - only to find out the dog we wanted was already adopted. Then came Shadow.

Shadow's owner moved in with his elderly mother so he needed to find a home for him. The owner happens to be Ellen's cousin on her father's side, so I had heard about Shadow for months. It was love at first sight - part Cocker Spaniel, part Pug, pure black fur with a little white goatee stripe on his chin - Shadow was just what I wanted - a little fluffy dog with a touch of masculinity so as not to be too frou-frou. Even better - he is mellow. He's great at just hanging out with me outside and he doesn't chase a thing. But now the honeymoon is over.

Shadow will be two years old in October and is yet to be housebroken. When I take him outside, he lays in the grass and watches the world go by. When we go inside, he sneaks off to one of the bedrooms and does his business there - usually on some piece of clean laundry. I won't give up on him, but I have yet to understand how a dog can reach the age of 2 and still not understand that "Outside = Rest Area."

Anyway, two weeks ago it happened. Ellen comes walking in the house carrying the cutest little tabby cat and says, "Mom, can we keep it?" She went door to door asking our neighbors if they knew who's kitten it was, finally discovering the truth - the kitten was born to one of the feral cats in the neighborhood. Now was the time to save her. In another month, she would probably be too wild to be approached by humans.

We named her Victoria-Gwenivere after my godmother, Vicky and my mother, Gwen. They had been best friends since the sixth grade when Vicky lost her life to cancer two years ago in October. Vicky was also, in my best estimation, the Patron Saint of Stray Cats. She was always taking in stray cats and blessing them with a home.

I have to admit I wasn't expecting much from this cat, with all of my oh-so-joyous experiences with the species. But Miss Vicky, as we affectionately call her, has impressed upon me, an incredible lesson of God's love.

What kind of life would Miss Vicky have lived had we not taken her in? There she was, as Ellen informed me, all alone - wailing, crying to anyone who passed by. She was probably hungry, and soon would be living life covered in fleas and digging out of garbage cans for survival.

But we took her in. Every morning she comes running when I come home from my route and leads me to her dish where I lavish her with yummy treats. I fill Shadow's dish as well, and by the time my coffee's made and I am seated at my desk to start my day's work, there's Miss Vicky - jumping or climbing up into my arms - purring like a small airplane engine and giving me gentle "head-butts" of love and appreciation.

Strangely, but yet, not-so-strangely, when we would open the door to the outside, Miss Vicky would bolt upstairs. This week, however, curiosity got the best of her and she nosed around the yard for just a bit, and then quickly ran to the door and tried to open it with her paw. She seems to want nothing to do with the "outside world" but is happy to rest in our ever-so-humble, but loving, home.

How much is this relationship like that of ours with our Heavenly Father? He has rescued, and continues to rescue, us from a flea infested, garbage-ridden world. He provides for us (so much more than food) and allows us to rest in His arms. He continues to love us - and yes, I indeed, have come to love this cat. I was wondering if she ever got lost, how would I know that she's mine? She is a typical grey tabby with no distinctive markings. But something tells me I would just know, just as God knows every hair on our heads. Luke 12:7 says, "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."

When I think of this overwhelming love I have for this cat, it awes me to think how God loves us. Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. It comforts me to think of myself as this poor little kitten resting in God's great arms and feeling the love He has for me. More and more, I don't want to know what's waiting outside that door. There is no need to stray when I'm safe in my Father's arms.

Being Called Out

2006-08-25T07:48:00.000-04:00

Now that I am truly trying to "lose my self" you have to know
that God's calling me out, right? It's as if He's saying:

"Oh, you're ready to get serious now? Okay well let me point out this and this and this...."

All of my flaws are coming to the surface. What I hear on WGRC each morning while I'm on my route, what Derek and I have been studying in "The Purpose Driven Life," and the scriptures in my Inbox all week are like arrows piercing right through my heart. God's saying:

"Since you're finally letting ME be in charge, we're gonna work some stuff out."

I envision God and I in a boxing ring - gloves on, but before the fight begins, I scream "I forfeit! I concede! You win!"

But He retorts, "Oh Danielle. You are not getting off that easy. I've already scheduled you for the after-the-match talkshow circuit! Blog about what you're being taught so that others might be encouraged."

Here goes.

My first scripture that "hit home" was Matthew 3:11.
"I indeed baptize you with water . . but He shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost and fire."

"My Utmost For His Highest" states:
"Have I ever come to a place in my experience where I can say - "I indeed - but He"? Until that moment does come, I will never know what the baptism of the Holy Ghost means. I indeed am at an end, I cannot do a thing: but He begins just there - He does the things no one else can ever do. Am I prepared for His coming? Jesus cannot come as long as there is anything in the way either of goodness or badness. When He comes am I prepared for Him to drag into the light every wrong thing I have done? It is just there that He comes. Wherever I know I am unclean, He will put His feet; wherever I think I am clean, He will withdraw them.

Repentance does not bring a sense of sin, but a sense of unutterable unworthiness. When I repent, I realize that I am utterly helpless; I know all through me that I am not worthy even to bear His shoes. Have I repented like that? Or is there a lingering suggestion of standing up for myself? The reason God cannot come into my life is because I am not through into repentance.

"He shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost and fire." John does not speak of the baptism of the Holy Ghost as an experience, but as a work performed by Jesus Christ. "He shall baptize you." The only conscious experience those who are baptized with the Holy Ghost ever have is a sense of absolute unworthiness.

I indeed was this and that; but He came, and a marvellous thing happened. Get to the margin where He does everything."

I am at this place. I have finally grasped the key to this understanding. "I indeed, but He." I might be able, but He can. I might, but He will. I should, but He does. I cannot stand on my own strength. I am nothing without Him. He is dragging "every wrong thing I have done" into the light. Wherever I am unclean, He is putting His feet.

One area where He is putting His feet has to do with one of my most taboo subjects: Money. You see, I have always had a "You can't take it with you" attitude about money. My hope was always for heaven, so why store up treasures here? When I had money, I spent it - plain and simple. Besides, I have struggled so much in life, at times in my life when I came into money, I deserved to have fun and splurge a little, didn't I? I lived by faith, and faith alone meant God would provide when I needed it. Well, like I said, God dragged this attitude into the light, and I couldn't have been more wrong.

While doing our Devotions from "The Purpose Driven Life," Derek and I were challenged by Rick Warren's chapter on "Seeing Life from God's View." In this chapter, Rick Warren brings to light that life is both a test and a trust. I am all too well aware about the test part. I have intimated to you that I have often seen myself as David. I have been tested over and over - some tests I have passed, some - not so much. But I do know that God has always been faithful to me, even when I've failed.

But life on earth is also a trust. Rick Warren states, "Our time on earth and energy, intelligence, opportunities, relationships, and resources are all gifts from God that He has entrusted to our care and management. Now I have had no trouble understanding the value of time, energy, intelligence, opportunities, and relationships. I know that God is Master of these, and had entrusted them to me. Even my children belong to God, not me. I have simply been entrusted to raise them for, and with the help of, God. I can honestly say when I look back on my life, I have done my best in the stewardship of all of these. Resources? You mean money and possessions?

According to "The Purpose Driven Life," money is both a test and a trust. God uses finances to test our faith in Him, as I'm sure we've all experienced. But God also entrusts us with money. The Bible says "If you are untrustworthy about wordly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven?" - Luke 16:11. I had never realized the true meaning of this passage before, but it is so obvious. If we know that this life is temporary and we are simply preparing for life with God in heaven, this is the training ground. Managing money well, managing a household - even (wince) keeping our car's interior clean all impact how God sees us managing His resources.
The second scripture which called me out this week was Matthew 7:9. It states:
"Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?"
The illustration of prayer that Our Lord uses here is that of a good child asking for a good thing. We talk about prayer as if God heard us irrespective of the fact of our relationship to Him. Never say it is not God's will to give you what you ask, don't sit down and faint, but find out the reason, turn up the index. Are you rightly related to your wife, to your husband, to your children, to your fellow-students - are you a "good child" there? "O Lord, I have been irritable and cross, but I do want spiritual blessing." You cannot have it, you will have to do without until you come into the attitude of a good child.

We mistake defiance for devotion; arguing with God for abandonment. We will not look at the index. Have I been asking God to give me money for something I want when there is something I have not paid for? Have I been asking God for liberty while I am withholding it from someone who belongs to me? I have not forgiven someone his trespasses; I have not been kind to him; I have not been living as God's child among my relatives and friends.

I am a child of God only by regeneration, and as a child of God I am good only as I walk in the light. Prayer with most of us is turned into pious platitude, it is a matter of emotion, mystical communion with God. Spiritually we are all good at producing fogs. If we turnup the index, we will see very clearly what is wrong - that friendship, that debt, that temper of mind. It is no use praying unless we are living as children of God. Then, Jesus says - "Everyone that asketh receiveth."

Ouch. I am guilty of all the above! Ouch again! I have to turn up the spiritual index! When I ask for something, I can't boohoo when I don't get it if I'm not being who God called me to be! That's like my kids asking to go to Knoebels after they've played all day, dragging their toys all over the house and leaving them there! If I say "absolutely not" to them, how can I expect God to say "yes" to me?

In acknoweldging these faults, God has already begun to bless me. He blessed me with money yesterday. I'm not going to squander it. I'm going to manage it well, so that He knows I'm working towards being trustworthy. I'd also like to mention, (while also giving God All The Praise,) that Derek and I were really able to discuss this shortcoming of ours. It was a true blessing to me to be able to talk about this issue without it becoming a point of contention in our marriage.

Before I ask, beg, plead, wail before God, I'm going to take inventory of myself and my actions. If I'm not who, or where, I need to be, I should be ashamed to come into His presence, let alone, ask for something and expect to get it. And this inventory, I'm certain, will continue to cause more issues to be drawn into the light, which will challenge me even further to keep pressing on. But it's all worth it. There is Victory in Christ!

Losing My Self

2006-08-21T12:16:00.000-04:00

Hello new struggle. Please note it's a struggle, not a storm. God has once again pointed out a flaw in me and challenged me to a wrestling match. He has drawn a new line in the sand and said, "Danielle, it's time to move up here." Gulp.

You see, the scripture I received in my Inbox on Saturday was entitled "Self-Consciousness." It quoted one of my favorite scriptures, Matthew 11:28 - "Come unto me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest." But interestingly enough, it only stated, "Come unto me..."

Now my first thought was "I've already given my life to Christ. I accepted Him as my Savior on June 10, 1990 at a Campus Life/Youth for Christ Summer Camp in Ocean City, NJ. After nearly fifteen years of taking too many exit ramps off my spiritual highway, I was baptized by immersion on January 16, 2005 and began what has been a truly intense, spiritual "schooling," so to speak, for the past twenty months. I experienced the indwelling of the Holy Spirit as evidenced through the gift of tongues for the first time on February 20, 2006. Surely I have "Come unto (Him)," haven't I? So why was it that while I read this message, did I feel so unsettled? What was it that God was pointing out in me?

So, Sunday morning I came home from my paper route and the next part of the scripture was in my Inbox: ".... I will give you rest." Surely God is trying to show me something. For three days, I've been chewing this text, mulling it over. Finally some realizations about myself are becoming clear, or should I say "some realizations about my Self."

From "My Utmost For His Highest":

"God means us to live a fully-orbed life in Christ Jesus, but there are times when that life is attacked from the outside, and we tumble into a way of introspection which we thought had gone. Self-consciousness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of the life in God, and self-consciousness continually produces wrestling. Self-consciousness is not sin; it may be produced by a nervous temperament or by a sudden dumping down into new circumstances. It is never Gods will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him. Anything that disturbs rest in Him must be cured at once, and it is not cured by being ignored, but by coming to Jesus Christ. If we come to Him and ask Him to produce Christ-consciousness, He will always do it until we learn to abide in Him.

Never allow the dividing up of your life in Christ to remain without facing it. Beware of leakage, of the dividing up of your life by the influence of friends or of circumstances; beware of anything that is going to split up your oneness with Him and make you see yourself separately. Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one - "Come unto Me." The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come."

When we say we "Surrender All," do we really? Can we truly say our carnal or human side has no influence on our actions or thoughts simply because we've come to Christ?

I've been thinking about the fact that I'm at a place in my walk where I am no longer tempted to sin. I'm not saying I don't sin, but I don't miss seeking out and finding wild times, places and friends to make life exciting. I'm much more satisfied knowing God's by my side while I visit with friends and family and share God as much as possible. But I am still plagued by a sense that I am dualistic in nature - that there is a way I act when I am around Godly friends and another way I act around those who are not Godly.

I have a fullness from the love of Christ one minute, and will then catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. "When did I get so fat?" "Why are my arms so short?" "I wish I could do something with my hair." "Ewww! Look how straggly my eyebrows have become." "I hate my voice." "That last blog post was not one of my best."

Self-consciousness eats away at my spirituality and hinders my ability to serve. I used to love to sing for God. Now I don't even want to speak. For someone who has always wanted to preach, hating one's voice is quite a stumbling block.

More and more, I am realizing I have two writers in me - a spiritual writer and a carnal writer. When I feel full of praise, or maybe even woe, I write in a certain voice here. When I'm feeling cynical and wry, I post my poetry at another on-line journal location. These "voices" demonstrate to me that there is a stark contrast between my "Self" and me - child of God. This is very unsettling to me when I KNOW that God wants ALL of me. Nothing less.

The second part of the scripture, ".... and I will give you rest" was entitled "Completeness."

From "My Utmost For His Highest":

"Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus Christ, turn to Him at once and ask Him to establish rest. Never allow anything to remain which is making the dis-peace. Take every element of disintegration as something to wrestle against, and not to suffer. Say - 'Lord, prove Thy consciousness in me,' and self-consciousness will go and He will be all in all. Beware of allowing self-consciousness to continue because by slow degrees it will awaken self-pity, and self-pity is Satanic. 'Well, I am not understood; this is a thing they ought to apologize for; that is a point I really must have cleared up.' Leave others alone and ask the Lord to give you Christ-consciousness, and He will poise you until the completeness is absolute.

The complete life is the life of a child. When I am consciously conscious, there is something wrong. It is the sick man who knows what health is. The child of God is not conscious of the will of God because he is the will of God. When there has been the slightest deviation from the will of God, we begin to ask - What is Thy will? A child of God never prays to be conscious that God answers prayer, he is so restfully certain that God always does answer prayer.

If we try to overcome self-consciousness by any common-sense method, we will develop it tremendously. Jesus says, "Come unto Me and I will give you rest," i.e., Christ-consciousness will take the place of self-consciousness. Wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest, the rest of the perfection of activity that is never conscious of itself."

Self-pity. This is the end-result when I struggle to do it myself and forget to put God first. "My Utmost For His Highest" calls it Satanic. Ugh. Me? Satanic? I shudder when I think that I am putting my soul that far from God to be called Satanic. But yet, if it is not Godly, than the opposite must be - gulp- Satanic.

And this, dear friends, is like a flashing neon sign in front of a cheap motel that I keep passing time and again, because obviously I keep making a wrong turn somewhere and never progress forward in my spiritual journey. I am being much like my two-year-old, Zoe - throwing tantrums when I don't get my own way until I come to a place of self-pity and finally call on God to give me rest. And I imagine that God is standing there like a stern parent with His hands on his hips, saying, "That's all I was trying to give you in the first place!!!"

Self-consciousness is the opposite of Christ-consciousness! I cannot grow into what God wants me to be if I am so humanly aware that I pick myself apart so there is nothing left to grow.

To take a piece from Pastor Bond's sermon yesterday - good things do come from dirt. God will make me into something good if I would just step back and let HIM!

God can use a woman who is overweight with short arms, with straggly eyebrows, with crooked teeth, who needs a haircut. He can take her raspy voice and her nodule-covered vocal cords and not only bring beautiful songs from her lips but also powerful preaching of the Word of God!

Who am I (carnal self) to get in the way of what this child of God is to become???

Father God, I cannot be your true child if I'm too stubborn to let go of the human-natured, carnal-living, sinful Self. I have no right to let my Self hinder what you will have me be. My sense of Self must die, Lord, and make room for this child of God to grow - truly mature in the knowledge and Grace of you, Lord Jesus. I pray this prayer for me, Lord, and for all who need to come, are coming, or who are at this place right now in their walks with You, Lord Jesus. Your intention was always, and still is, to give us rest, Lord.

He still calls, "Come Unto Me."

A Time of Transformation

2006-08-17T11:27:00.000-04:00

I have often heard it said, "Nothing is certain in life, except Change". Well, I'm here to tell you there is nothing as awesome in life, as Transformation.

As most of you have read my posts in recent weeks, you may have noticed that God keeps pounding one major theme into my ever-so-thick head. Easily summarized, that would be: "Put God First."

Sometimes, after having gone through the struggles and the puzzles of the past few weeks, I wanted to kick myself for being so dense. Sometimes, I would let myself off the hook and giggle for a moment when I thought of God being the ever-so-frustrated parent wondering when I would "just figure it out."

But God is patient. Oh, if I could only have that kind of patience! Not only am I being brought through an incredible transformation personally, but my husband and household are also learning the true joy that comes when we make God the reference point in our lives.

As I intimated to you before, I at least read a scripture lesson each day. I attempt to blog about the scripture or some other lesson God is putting on my heart as often as possible. I am trying to really hear God's voice as whether to "blog or not to blog". Laundry and housework are not good enough reasons to put off "God Time".

Sunday evening, my husband and I really wanted to go to our church's Evening Service. Since I had to do my dad's paper route at 4 a.m., and we had no money, we couldn't part with the gas that was in the tank, so church just wasn't a possibility. My husband and I were upset that we couldn't go, but we made the best of it - we decided to do Devotions together. We started on the 40-day quest that makes up Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life". Four days into the study, Derek and I have been able to put God at the center of our lives in a deeper sense. This has also given us time to really talk and share God with one another. We even feel a deeper need to talk of God in our conversations with our children. It has been amazing.

While my dad is in Ohio becoming a Truck Driver, my mother and I are fighting our own battles at becoming "Morning People". By 4 a.m., we are at the Dollar General store in Milton, to embark on our individual 2-hour treks delivering the Daily Item to still-sleeping households. Now, most of you know, I love my bed, only second to God, but slightly more than my husband and kids. (Just Kidding!) I LOVE my bed. Love it! It is quite a physical and mental challenge for me to get up at 3:30 in the morning all for the sake of delivering the newspapers. This challenge, however, has been a complete joy. This burden has become two solid hours of listening to my favorite Christian radio station, while I drive through the darkness. Soundbytes of some of my favorite evangelists speak right to my soul. Wildlife scurries across the road and through the fields. The farmers' harvests stretch further towards the sky. The rain was refreshing. The morning sun washes everything in pink. In these two (what-should-be) dreadful hours, God is Everywhere.

And He said to them, "Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father's house?" Luke 2:49

From "My Utmost for His Highest":
"Our Lord's childhood was not immature man-hood; our Lord's childhood is an eternal fact. Am I a holy innocent child of God by identification with my Lord and Saviour? Do I look upon life as being in my Father's house? Is the Son of God living in His Father's house in me?

The abiding Reality is God, and His order comes through the moments. Am I always in contact with Reality, or do I only pray when things have gone wrong, when there is a disturbance in the moments of my life? I have to learn to identify myself with my Lord in holy communion in ways some of us have not begun to learn as yet. "I must be about My Father's business" - live the moments in My Father's house.

Narrow it down to your individual circumstances - are you so identified with the Lord's life that you are simply a child of God, continually talking to Him and realizing that all things come from His hands? Is the Eternal Child in you living in the Father's house? Are the graces of His ministering life working out through you in your home, in your business, in your domestic circle? Have you been wondering why you are going through the things you are? It is not that you have to go through them, it is because of the relation into which the Son of God has come in His Father's providence in your particular sainthood. Let Him have His way, keep in perfect union with Him.

The vicarious life of your Lord is to become your vital simple life; the way He worked and lived among men must be the way He lives in you."

Is it any wonder why I have been cleaning the house this week and the old song, "Let the Lord have His way in your life every day..." has been echoing in my head? It is a time of transformation.

"Thank you Lord for bringing me to this time. I pray that You will bring each of my friends and family members in perfect union with you. Oh, and thank you for your patience. I don't know how you do it!"

Giving Thanks

2006-08-09T11:39:00.000-04:00

Father, I thank Thee that Thou hast heard Me. John 11:41

As you saw at the end of my previous post, God came through, as He always does. Thank you, Jesus. And thank you, my dear friends, for your prayers. After posting "My Legs Are Asleep," and receiving the phone call from my father, I continued to feel uplifted by prayer, and God continued to move.

First of all, that afternoon, my husband came through the door with the biggest smile on his face. Whatever had been troubling him was gone. I can only believe that God, with the help of your prayers, took care of it.

As I shared with you that the BIG BILLS were mounting, and I lost my job AGAIN, it wasn't enough that God gave my dad a great job and that I will be able to make some money doing my dad's 78-mile paper route while my dad's gone. God continued to bless me. On Tuesday, August 15th, I have an interview at 9:30a.m. at a local Technical School to become their High School Recruiter and Admissions Counselor. The woman on the phone said that after Tuesday's meeting, if I am still interested, the job is mine. Back to a Professional salary AND a Company Car. Please continue to pray with me that all goes well, and that if this in God's Will for my life, I can use this vocation to serve HIM.

What am I forgetting? Oh! The housework! I'm pacing myself, but it's getting done. With this break in the humidity, I don't need to worry so much about clothes getting mildewed, so that makes everything much more manageable. But again - I thank God for your prayers because I truly feel uplifted and strengthened. When I look at what is left to do in the dining room, I feel no sense of being overwhelmed. The "woe is me" attitude is gone. God is so good. All the time.

From "My Utmost For His Highest":
"When the Son of God prays, He has only one consciousness, and that consciousness is of His Father. God always hears the prayers of His Son, and if the Son of God is formed in me the Father will always hear my prayers. I have to see that the Son of God is manifested in my mortal flesh. "Your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost," i.e., the Bethlehem of the Son of God. Is the Son of God getting His chance in me? Is the direct simplicity of the life of God's Son being worked out exactly as it was worked out in His historic life? When I come in contact with the occurrences of life as an ordinary human being, is the prayer of God's Eternal Son to His Father being prayed in me? "In that day ye shall ask in My name. . . ." What day? The day when the Holy Ghost has come to me and made me effectually one with my Lord.

Is the Lord Jesus Christ being abundantly satisfied in your life or have you got a spiritual strut on? Never let common sense obtrude and push the Son of God on one side. Common sense is a gift which God gave to human nature; but common sense is not the gift of His Son. Supernatural sense is the gift of His Son; never enthrone common sense. The Son detects the Father; common sense never yet detected the Father and never will. Our ordinary wits never worship God unless they are transfigured by the indwelling Son of God. We have to see that this mortal flesh is kept in perfect subjection to Him and that He works through it moment by moment. Are we living in such human dependence upon Jesus Christ that His life is being manifested moment by moment?"

Oooh. That was powerful. If Jesus Christ dwells in us, and God always hears the prayers of His Son, than surely God will hear our prayers. God finds, no brings me to my Poverty - to the end of my self-sufficiency. "When I come in contact with the occurrences of life as an ordinary human being, is the prayer of God's Eternal Son to His Father being prayed in me?" In my Poverty, how long does it take until I cry out for God - the only one who can save me.

Oh, and let me assure you - I didn't pick the scripture for today. It just "popped" into my Inbox. I bet you're thinking "Oooooh, Spooky!" Nope. Just God.

I can't say this scripture enough. Father, I thank Thee that Thou hast heard Me. John 11:41

My Legs Are Asleep

2006-08-07T11:58:00.000-04:00

Once again, I've hit a storm in my life.

Bills - we're talking BIG bills have started flying into my mailbox. You know those bills that the insurance company was supposed to have paid four years ago, and somehow, through some mix-up they're being forwarded to you - unpaid by the insurance company, and you're being told it's too late to re-submit them? Yeah those bills.

Housework. Okay, I have four kids. I know my house is going to be messy MOST of the time. But why, when I am in the middle of sorting through clothes in my dining room - as in having washed and dried them in the basement, hauled them up to the dining room, folded them and was in the midst of sorting them to make one box for the Salvation Army, one for the Pregnancy Care Center, and three more boxes for what I call the hand-me-down-trickle-down-effect, i.e., Ellen gets Darianne's clothes; Julian gets Ellen's unisex t-shirts and shorts, and Zoe might possibly get all of the above if they last long enough; must my toilet spring a leak directly above the table where I was sorting all of these, may I remind you, CLEAN clothes, and send water crashing through the ceiling all over said clothes???

Hubby. I'm going to be real upfront and honest with you on this one. Derek will never read this because he's afraid of computers. My Husband needs Your Prayers Right Now. I won't even try to explain it. Let's just say he's miserable, which makes me miserable, which makes our family life MISERABLE. Something is at work in him and it is having quite the effect on our marriage. He needs to be lifted up and only the power of God and Prayer can achieve this!

My Parents. I know my Mom will read this, but I know the Power of Prayer! My Parents need your PRAYERS! There I said it, and I'm not sad that I did. God bless Mom, she's put up with my dad and his addiction for 33 years - and still nothing is getting any better - in fact, its getting worse. My dad lost his job a couple of years ago due to his drinking. No one will hire a soon-to-be fifty-five year old man. My dad needs to come to the waters of Baptism and fully surrender his life to Jesus Christ - and in that surrender, he needs to be delivered from the power of Alcoholism. Satan's work in my dad's life has affected the rest of us for far too long. We ALL need to be LOOSED!

Oh! And did I mention that I started waitressing at a local restaurant? Yeah, I did. I thought a little money in my pocket might help out. Soooo, I walk in there Friday night and am told the restaurant is closing. I'm out of a job - again. Oh, and I won't be paid for the hours I've worked so far either.

So, in the midst of my storm, I'm feeling, well, stormy. Lots of water coming out of my eyes... lots of wind coming out of my mouth.... but in the eye of the storm, I know God. In my very core I have a sense of calm about me. I know God can and I know God will. And yet more tears... less wind.

So I went to church yesterday as my heart felt that's where I really needed to be. The songs were uplifting, yet I remained not uplifted. I just kept crying with this "Woe is me" attitude. The preaching spoke right to me, but I was still too busy feeling sorry for myself. When Brother Brian was speaking about "Three Little Words: Arise and Walk," my eyes again filled up with tears. Yes! That's what I need to do. I need to Arise and Walk! But deep down I felt myself say: "My legs are asleep".

And so my humbug attitude continued until this morning. I made a conscious effort to sit on my back porch and pray before the Lord. I put all my needs before Him and told Him I was now going to do my Devotions, as promised. I would blog about all of this turmoil and I was going to do anything I could to find Him so that I might "Arise and Walk"! I searched some scripture, I read my previous posts and of course, it was all there.

My own lessons: "Let the Son Shine In," "An Oasis in the Desert, not a Mirage," "Sometimes it's So Obvious," and 'Learning Lessons" all -- ALL keep bringing me back to the same lesson that God is trying to instill in me. And then today's scripture brought it home:

Luke 18:31-34
Then He took the twelve aside and said to them, "Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and all things which are written through the prophets about the Son of Man will be accomplished."

"My Utmost For His Highest" states:
The bravery of God in trusting us! You say - "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing in me; I am not of any value." That is why He chose you. As long as you think there is something in you, He cannot choose you because you have ends of your own to serve; but if you have let Him bring you to the end of your self-sufficiency then He can choose you to go with Him to Jerusalem, and that will mean the fulfilment of purposes which He does not discuss with you.

We are apt to say that because a man has natural ability, therefore he will make a good Christian. It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a question of natural virtues of strength of character, knowledge, and experience - all that is of no avail in this matter. The only thing that avails is that we are taken up into the big compelling of God and made His comrades. The comradeship of God is made up out of men who know their poverty. He can do nothing with the man who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not out for our own cause at all, we are out for the cause of God, which can never be our cause. We do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship with Him whatever happens. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right. The main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being continually assailed."

God wants me at the end of my self-sufficiency. He can use me not in my feeling of "being equipped for God" but in my Poverty. "We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God; if it does get injured we must take time and get it put right." How long must I continue to let God down when I begin to get all upset when the storms blow? When will I be mature enough to stay calm and know that He is in control?

I am walking now. I have gone through the "pins and needles" stage, however painful, and my legs are beginning to walk - however humbled. I must also look deeper into today's scripture and see ".... all things which are written through the prophets about the Son of Man will be accomplished." This world is temporary. These problems are beyond microscopic in the scheme of God's plan for this world, in the blueprint of God's plan for me. And you. And Our God is Bigger and Greater and More Powerful than all of the problems in this world.

Today, let HIM blow your storms away.

P.S. Moments after I posted this, my father called me to tell me he got a job, which means I get to do his job of delivering newspapers for awhile, which will certainly help my situation. Praise God for again delivering "A Cup of Instant-Answered Prayer". Please continue to pray for my family's spiritual and emotional healing.

Learning Lessons

2006-07-27T16:03:00.000-04:00

Once again, dear friends, bear with me as I try to boil many messages into one. Have you ever experienced this - feeling, hearing and seeing God point out so many things to you, you don't know where to begin? That's where I am right now and hence, why I haven't been able to post in over a week. I don't know where to begin!

So, I will begin with praising God, my Father, who continues to guide me, protect me and keep me safe even though the enemies continue to attack. I will thank my Lord - Jesus Christ, for continuing to surround me with REAL friends for the first time in my life. As you have blessed my life, I hope I continue to be a blessing to yours. I also thank God for all the little moments that we often take for granted. For me, this week has been filled with delightful, quality time with my beautiful children. In these moments, Peace. In many of these moments I was able to see God's hand in the raising of my children. For example, while digging in the sand at R.B. Winter State Park, little Zoe began singing "I Can Only Imagine" with me, while Ellen choreographed a dance to go with it to teach the Dance Team. My eyes well up with tears when I think of how these children are learning about and coming to understand God at such a young age. I thank God for the gifts they are to me and that He has entrusted them to my care.

Now for the points with which I'm struggling. I have a week's worth of "Daily Devotions" in my Inbox. Have I read them? Yes. Have I meditated on them? Yes. Have I blogged about any of them specifically? No. Not until right now have I taken the time to come before God and find out what it is that He is trying to point out in me that I need to share with you. And that brings us to our first point: Obedience.

John 7:17 - "If anyone is willing to do His will, he will know of the teaching, whether it is of God or {whether} I speak from Myself.

"My Utmost For His Highest" states: "The golden rule for understanding spiritually is not intellect, but obedience. If a man wants scientific knowledge, intellectual curiosity is his guide; but if he wants insight into what Jesus Christ teaches, he can only get it by obedience. If things are dark to me, then I may be sure there is something I will not do. Intellectual darkness comes through ignorance; spiritual darkness comes because of something I do not intend to obey. No man ever receives a word from God without instantly being put to the test over it. We disobey and then wonder why we don't go on spiritually. 'If when you come to the altar,' said Jesus, 'there you remember your brother hath ought against you... don't say another word to Me, but first go and put that thing right.' The teaching of Jesus hits us where we live. We cannot stand as humbugs before Him for one second. He educates us down to the scruple. The Spirit of God unearths the spirit of self-vindication; He makes us sensitive to things we never thought of before. When Jesus brings a thing home by His word, don't shirk it. If you do, you will become a religious humbug. Watch the things you shrug your shoulders over, and you will know why you do not go on spiritually. First go - at the risk of being thought fanatical you must obey what God tells you."

I have not been obedient. I said I would do my Devotions daily. I said I would post a blog about them when moved to do so. But there has been a lot of laundry to keep up with here lately, and dishes - I've never seen so many dishes - and oh my gosh - Thursday I spent the better part of the day cleaning out my refrigerator - eeeewwww! And... why do I suddenly feel so far from God? I know He's there, but... where? I haven't heard His voice for awhile and gosh, I feel so blah. "We disobey and then wonder why we don't go on spiritually." There it is and here I am - repenting again that I did not obey but yet expected God to still do His job without me acknowledging Him.

Second point - (and I love how this worked out) the subject heading of the email was "After Obedience - What?" Well... let's find out, shall we?

Mark 6:45-52 And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side... ."

"My Utmost For His Highest" states: "We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.

What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process -that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.

God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.

God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious."

Not only have I not been obedient, I have been living towards a goal - some will say nothing short of a miracle - because I know God has a purpose for my life, and I won't rest until that purpose is realized. But I'm missing the here and now. I'm a vehicle stuck in the mud spinning my wheels - reaching for the finish line and not taking the time to see if I'm in gear. My Obedience becomes the process, becomes the end. When I remember to put God first, do what I was told to do and do what I said I was going to do, the spiritual darkness stays away. I stay in the light, continue to grow, ever-inching towards the goal, but I must remember not to focus on the goal. God simply wants me to focus on Him. Sounds like a prophecy made over me not too long ago: "You're about to encounter great success, but you must remember to, in all ways, acknowledge Him."

We must be obedient. When God says, "Go," or "Do," or even "Say," we must go, do and say. Certainly God, or the nagging feeling of the absence of God, will let us know when we are or when we are not being obedient. In that obedience, keep your eyes on God. We all have desires on our hearts - dreams that we know only God can make happen. He will make a way if we continue to acknowledge Him and only Him.

Sometimes it's so obvious

2006-07-20T00:01:00.000-04:00

Isaiah 41:10
[The Lord says] "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I'm going to be completely honest with you, and myself. I have been under some extreme spiritual attack as of late. I can't explain it, really. I just know that what I'm coming out of wasn't your typical daily stress.

First, there was the stress of the play. I was ready for that attack. Satan always tries to get me down when I'm doing what God wants me to do. I was prepared. I know I - WE - the theatre company and I, AND God, prevailed.

For some reason, my husband has been beyond stressed out. I bear the brunt of that. If I sought joy in the one relationship on this earth that means the most to me - guaranteed - hubby came home grumpy, stomped around and left for his second job - grumpy. For the 6 hours each night that he was gone, I was left to worry about how I might "connect" with him when he got home. Walking on egg shells has never been my forte. I'm not your typical wife. I LOVE my husband. When he's not happy, I'm not happy. I was feeling like Satan was putting a wedge between us and wriggling it- using it to pry us apart to destroy our marriage. Derek and I have come waaaaaaaay too far since our wedding day to ever turn back into the backbiting resentful couple we once were. But there we were fighting day and night - not even fighting, really - just completely unable to see eye to eye.

Zoe, my beloved, beautiful, however taxing, two-year-old, came down with the most disgusting, painful, viral infection that I have ever experienced. She had ulcers down her throat, all over her tongue, around her mouth, and her gum tissue had swelled over her teeth. She smelled like infection, burned with fever and was as miserable as possible. If ever there were a time that I was at my wits end as a mother, it was certainly this week.

I continued to receive my daily scripture. Nothing. No bells and whistles. No sense of "Direct Message from God". I would open this blog with the intention of typing something -- anything, but I couldn't type word one. I finally typed "under spiritual attack" in a search engine. Some helpful scriptures and prayers popped up.

I identified all that I was dealing with and continued to pray. I couldn't shake this ho-hum attitude - this sense of being overwhelmed but not able to do anything. I wanted God to move. I wanted a friend to call or email with some helpful word. Then last night, still craving some wisdom, I went to searchgodsword.org and there on the main page was the scripture for the day: Isaiah 41:10 [The Lord says] "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Through it all - knowing the attack I was under; knowing the stress of the play; knowing I couldn't make my husband happy; knowing all I could do was make my baby comfortable; I knew God was still here, right by my side. I had to remind myself to wait on Him. It wasn't easy, but I knew only God could make things right. Finding this scripture gave me a moment of Peace, a feeling of truly being lifted up. It is what I needed to hear.

Then as if God the Greatest Teacher needed to finish the lesson before the next Pop Quiz, my inbox received this scripture for today:

They that wait upon the Lord ... shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
My Utmost for His Highest states:
"There is no thrill in walking; it is the test of all the stable qualities. To "walk and not faint" is the highest reach possible for strength. The word "walk" is used in the Bible to express the character - "John looking on Jesus as He walked, said, Behold the Lamb of God!" There is never any thing abstract in the Bible, it is always vivid and real. God does not say - Be spiritual, but - "Walk before Me."When we are in an unhealthy state physically or emotionally, we always want thrills. In the physical domain this will lead to counterfeiting the Holy Ghost; in the emotional life it leads to inordinate affection and the destruction of morality; and in the spiritual domain if we insist on getting thrills, on mounting up with wings, it will end in the destruction of spirituality.

The reality of God's presence is not dependent on any place, but only dependent upon the determination to set the Lord always before us. Our problems come when we refuse to bank on the reality of His presence. The experience the Psalmist speaks of - "Therefore will we not fear, though . . ." will be ours when once we are based on Reality, not the consciousness of God's presence but the reality of it - Why, He has been here all the time!

At critical moments it is necessary to ask guidance, but it ought to be unnecessary to be saying always - "O Lord, direct me here, and there." Of course He will! If our common-sense decisions are not His order, He will press through them and check; then we must be quiet and wait for the direction of His presence."

I knew God was here, He never leaves me. But being conscious of His presence is not enough. I must learn to "bank on the reality of His presence".

He is Present in my life. He is Present in your life. He needs to be Present - Front and Center of our lives. If we discount that fact - if we place Him to the side of us and not before us, we find ourselves treading water but never moving forward. And when the storms come, we forget to call on Him, even though we know He's the only one who CAN. We know He's there. But just like the task of asking, it's not enough to expect God to read our minds. He wants us to know that we can put anything before Him.

Feeling better now. Show's over. Derek and I are back to our silly selves, and Zoe is almost completely over her virus - just a few more days to go. God "upheld me in His righteous right hand" just as He said He would.

Bank on the Reality of His Presence today.

Phillippians 1:3, Danielle

2006-07-11T10:46:00.000-04:00

Some of you may have received a card, a letter, or an email from me in the past, where, instead of the typical "Love," "Sincerely," etc., in closing, I use "Phillipians 1:3, Danielle".

Maybe you've taken the time to look this verse up. Maybe you know this verse by rote. Maybe some of you say to yourself, "There she goes getting religious on us again, what's that all about?" Well, I'll tell you.

Phillippians 1:3 is "I praise my God every time I think of you."

And I do... I don't do this to be cute. I sincerely and honestly do praise my God every time I think of you.

I've been meaning to blog about this subject for some time. But, then I receive my daily scripture in my inbox, and most of the time I turn that into my message for the day. But I have been spiritually prompted to finally stick my neck out, like the turtle that I am, and share this with you. I PRAISE my GOD every time I think of YOU.

Brother Brian Johnson is in the cast of our current Shakespeare play that goes up this week. Sometimes I get an "inside look" at what he may be preaching about on the following Sunday. This past Sunday, however, I thought he was going to preach about one topic, and I couldn't wait to hear his message. But when he got to the pulpit and a different message bubbled forth, I knew God was trying to tell me something.

Brother Brian spoke about relationships and accountability - a subject very dear to my heart, and I'll tell you why.

I have been lonely all my life. There. I said it. Lonely. LONNNNNNNNNNEEEELLLLYYYY. I had FOUR friends in High School. I had ONE friend in college. For the past ten years, the only "friends" I had were people who were friends of my ex-husband, or people who wanted something from me. And in most cases, I changed my personality to become something they would accept. Of course, I did have a few friends through the Theatre Company, and not to undermine those relationships, but the guys were in college and time was always limited. Oh, and I did have my friends in the far reaches of the country - California, Georgia and New York City, and now Massachusetts, thank God for computers, email, instant messaging, and free nights and weekends on our cell phones!

So it was that Brother Brian spoke so eloquently about the importance of our relationships with one another and holding each other accountable in our walk with Christ. He mentioned "when you know you have found your 'Spiritual Mirror' in another brother or sister in Christ," as Sister Sarah Klugh and I shot each other a quick glance across the church. In the past couple of months, I have been so completely LIFTED UP in new friendships and new relationships which my soul has longed for and I give all Glory to God for these new relationships.

Sunday evening, I had to take my children to New Jersey for a week with Derek's parents. I was going to go alone, and since I had to run one of our actors to Selinsgrove, I figured I'd just head to Harrisburg and hit the turnpike from there. I stopped at Sheetz in Selinsgrove to get some coffee to keep me awake for the ride, and my cell rang. It was Sister Sarah Klugh. She wanted to know if she could go along for the ride. I immediately rejoiced that she was able to go, and went up 147/180 to pick her up, and then we jumped on 80 east.

The sky was menacing before us. But there, right in front of us was a rainbow, and then as we drove, another one. Sarah said, "This is so cool, did you hear Pastor's message this morning?" I had not. Pastor spoke of Noah and covenant relationships and rainbows as a reminder of His promise.

We made it to the Northeast Extension. From the Mahoning Valley Exit until the Quakertown Exit it poured - torrential downpours. You couldn't drive more than 40 miles an hour. It was scary, people were pulling off the road - afraid to go on. But I knew God had us in His care. All of a sudden, the rain stopped and it was smooth sailing for awhile. But then when I went to get off the Northeast Ext. onto the main turnpike, three cars tried to merge into the same lane in front of me, and I, to avoid an accident, got stuck going in the lane West to Norristown. I asked the guy at the tollbooth how I could get back on to go east and he said follow 476 south to exit 16. I ended up on the Schuylkill Expressway going into Center City, having to take the Benjamin Franklin Bridge over to New Jersey.

I always thought my in-laws lived south of the Ben Franklin Bridge, so I went south. They live north of the Ben Franklin Bridge. So, we were in Center City at 9:40pm and I could have been at their house by 10:30 at the latest. We ended up not getting there until 12, 12:30 a.m. But I could not get too sad, God kept us safe all the way.

Sarah and I had some real bonding time and what was totally cool was that Pastor had just spoken about rainbows and covenant relationships that morning and all the way out 80 there were rainbows. Then Brian preached about relationships and accountability and how each of us has a spiritual mirror in another person - which I know mine is Sarah.

I have been abundantly blessed with new friendships, new relationships. You who are around me accept me for "me" and push me to be a better "me." Through the church, rekindled relationships with family members, the Theatre Company, and still the long-distance relationships that are kept alive only through the aid of technology, I am BLESSED. It is very important to me that my friends know that I'm not religious. I have a relationship with God and I have a relationship with my friends and if God is working in my relationships with my friends, it makes it all the more satisfying as we continue to bless each other in our friendships and reflect the Glory of these relationships back on Him.

In some of these relationships, He's using me. In some of them, He's blessing me. But I know that each of these new relationships are meant for a purpose. As I am, and all of you are.

So I will say this again. I want you to truly hear.

I PRAISE MY GOD EVERY TIME I THINK OF YOU!

Yes, You.

An Oasis in the Desert

2006-07-06T12:37:00.000-04:00

And the parched ground shall become a pool. Isaiah 35:7

From "My Utmost for His Highest":
"We always have visions, before a thing is made real. When we realize that although the vision is real, it is not real in us, then is the time that Satan comes in with his temptations, and we are apt to say it is no use to go on. Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of humiliation.
"Life is not as idle ore,
But iron dug from central gloom,
And batter'd by the shocks of doom
To shape and use."

God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in such a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into the shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape. The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. Let Him put you on His wheel and whirl you as He likes, and as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out exactly in accordance with the vision. Don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had the vision of God, you may try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you."

I will admit, when I read today's scripture, I was a bit confused. "And the parched ground shall become a pool." In reference to what - life? Sure, that's like saying "Things will get better." Well, duh, if you have faith in God, and live according to His will, yeah things will get better. So I went to my on-line Bible to read this in its context. More poetry, more prophecies? More... oh, cool - more VISIONS!!! Exactly what Isaiah is all about!! How cool is that!

The Book of Isaiah is filled with Visions - of what is to come. I will never forget the story of Jesus in the Temple at the age of 12, preaching from Isaiah on what is to come, but what actually had already been realized. Isaiah reminds us to have hope. How pertinent a message to receive, then, that Our visions will be realized if we continue to have hope.

I have felt as if I am faltering in my walk as of late. I have had prophecies said over me for the first time in my life, visions revealed, and none have come to fruition. Am I doing something wrong? Does God expect more of me? Where am I falling short?

It is not in my time, it is in God's. I have to remind myself of that truth. It will happen. But now is the molding ground, the testing ground, the shaping and the hammering and the drilling ground. God is making me into someone who can make these visions come to task, if I don't lose patience in the meantime. But I also need to let God lead.

Your Journey with Christ will be filled with plenty of Visions, but before these Visions can be realized, God must work on you. It hurts sometimes. It doesn't make sense sometimes, but that is when you reach deep down in the bottom of your soul and you dig a little more. You gotta sink your cleats into the ground that you stand on just a little bit more. The test is one of patience, endurance, loyalty, focus. You are an athlete in training. Seeing the Vision realized is not the goal. The real goal is Heaven and God's glory, so train intensively. This Vision is more than something that God wants you to do, it's something He wants you to be. So as a potter prepares his clay, as a painter primes his canvas, as a chef lays out his ingredients, as a dancer or singer warms up their bodies and voices, so God is preparing you.

Isaiah promises us our parched ground shall become a pool. Our Visions are real. God would not give us Visions to have us spin our wheels, run in circles and accomplish nothing. Wait on God. Don't Give up. Trust in God. Never take your eyes off Him.

Patience. Endurance. Loyalty. Focus.

Let the Son Shine In

2006-07-04T12:10:00.000-04:00

"My Mommy told me something, a little girl should know
and it's all about the devil, and I've learned to hate him so.
She says he causes trouble if you let him in the room.
He will never ever leave you if your heart is filled with gloom.

So let the Son shine in, face it with a grin.
Smilers never lose and frowners never win
So let the Son shine in, face it with a grin.
Open up your heart and let the Son shine in.

When you get discouraged, the devil jumps with glee,
but he feels so awful awful, when he sees you on your knees.
So if you get discouraged, and you never seem to win,
just open up your heart and let the Son shine in!"

I have sung this song for as long as I can remember. Yes, my mother taught it to me, which is why I get choked up when I start to sing it. My favorite most vivid memory of singing it is singing it while my cousins and I were getting ready for bathtime at my grandmother's house, and my grandmother was singing right along with us. I was probably four or five years old at the time.

I am now 31 years old. For 26 or so years, I've been singing this song. I've probably been singing it a lot longer than that, because I know I learned it around the age of three. But here I am, years later finally discovering the significance of this simple little children's song, and how it applies to my life. I am discovering many truths found in children's songs as of late. Oh, if we "grown-ups" would only listen!

Psalms 37:1-8
Do not fret because of evildoers,
Be not envious toward wrongdoers.
For they will wither quickly like the grass
And fade like the green herb.
Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
For evildoers will be cut off,
But those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land.

From "My Utmost For His Highest": "Fretting means getting out at elbows mentally or spiritually. It is one thing to say "Fret not," but a very different thing to have such a disposition that you find yourself able not to fret. It sounds so easy to talk about "resting in the Lord" and "waiting patiently for Him" until the nest is upset - until we live, as so many are doing, in tumult and anguish, is it possible then to rest in the Lord? If this "don't" does not work there, it will work nowhere. This "don't" must work in days of perplexity as well as in days of peace, or it never will work. And if it will not work in your particular case, it will not work in anyone else's case. Resting in the Lord does not depend on external circumstances at all, but on your relationship to God Himself. Fussing always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord never worried and He was never anxious, because He was not "out" to realize His own ideas; He was "out" to realize God's ideas. Fretting is wicked if you are a child of God. Have you been bolstering up that stupid soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God? Put all "supposing" on one side and dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about that thing. All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God."

Do you fret? Now when I think of the word "fret," I think of the worry wart, wringing their hands, having anxiety attacks, trembling with fear. I don't fret like that. I get stressed out. My attitude changes. I get kind of numb. If anyone asks me a question, sarcasm becomes the greatest service I offer. I get overwhelmed. If anyone asks me if I can do something for them, like my husband for instance, they better take cover, because I might just turn into my alter-ego, Katie Kaboom.

Believe you, me, I hate when I get like this. I feel like, well there's no other way to say it - I feel blah. I feel like everyone around me has had their brains sucked out and I'm the only one with any answers. Thanks to God's faithfulness, it doesn't take too long for me to remember that I am a child of God, and this is not who I am. This is not who He called me to be. I start to feel shame and embarrassment for my actions, I repent and remember His faithfulness to me deserves my faithfulness to Him.

So I let the Son shine in. I focus my eyes, again, on God. I think to Satan, "HaHa, you didn't get a foothold this time, and you never will. Mercy said "No!"

I hope and pray for the day that fretting is not a part of my walk. I pray for the maturity in Christ when I can completely rest in God and never once take my eyes off of Him. I pray for the day when I don't have to remember to "let the Son shine in," but rather bask in the life-giving, supreme-loving SON, that is my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I pray that wherever you are today, you will let the Son shine in, and bask in His love.

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.

When you know it's God...

2006-06-28T10:37:00.000-04:00

Call me Hard-headed, a little dense, a little slow on the start.... but I have discovered a pattern in my walk as of late. This will be nothing new to most of you. Most of you have figured this one out a long time ago. But some of you still struggle with learning this little dance that we do with God. And because the signs were overly abundant yesterday for both myself and Sister Sarah Klugh, I just had to share this experience with you.

So, let's just say I had a WEEK last week. Everytime I turned around, something was trying to get me down. People weren't showing up for rehearsals, I couldn't get my house clean because of messy children, I couldn't get laundry done because of the rain, and to top it all off, I splashed a little tiny bit of my beverage on my keyboard, and shorted the whole thing out. There I was, for nearly two days taking all my keys off my laptop to clean the contacts, inside wanting so much to dedicate some time to this blog, but absolutely without the tools to do it.

I'll admit it - initially there were tears and grumblings. I was frustrated, tired, anxious, overwhelmed. NOTHING was going the way I wanted it to go.

At times, I wanted to scream. But deep inside, I kept hearing a voice say, "Rejoice in the Lord, ALWAYS, again I say Rejoice!' Somehow, I was able to thank God for taking out my computer. Without my computer, I could get more cleaning done. I thanked God that I have a dryer, I could still get laundry done. I thanked God for my messy kids, because they are still pure joy to me. I thanked God for my messy house, because at least I have a house - a roof over my head, food on the table, dishes, everything that contributes to this messy house is a blessing, not a curse.

So, once I got to this place of rejoicing, things started turning around for the better. God again paved my way, lifted me up. Just as I had intimated to you in my post, "Getting Really Personal..." in the moment of my anguish, God revealed to me that for which I need to give thanks and rejoice. The moment I began to rejoice, the strength of the Lord was restored to me, and I was able to go forward. The morning after I gave thanks, I woke up to my computer being completely fixed. It was as if nothing had happened!

Yesterday, Sarah called me, relatively distraught. She had been so excited to spend time with her fiance, as he was coming through on his way to Pittsburgh. Half way through New York, he had to turn around and go to Cape Cod. If you follow Sarah's blog at http://inhisfavourislife.blogspot.com you'll see she has been very frustrated with being patient as of late.

Before I even knew the words were coming out of my mouth, I said, "Sarah, God is testing you. Why don't you come over and hang out with me?"

She came over and we went for a drive. She asked, "So you really think God is testing me?" I shared with her the lesson I learned throughout the week. When Phillippians 4:4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always... " it means: Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. I recounted the week's events to her. I told her she needs to remember that it is when we get down in our own state, and take our eyes off God that Satan is most likely to trip us up. It is when we are weakened, that Satan can and will attack and pull us away from God. So it is, when we are experiencing trials, we need to rejoice, and only then will God's blessings flow.

A minute later, my cellphone rang. It was Sarah's mom. Henry was on his way.

Then, as if we needed one more sign to "seal the deal", Dr. Tony Evans came over the radio station, WGRC, and reiterated this EXACT message. Sarah and I just looked at each other and laughed, completely lifted up, basking in our new friendship and Sisterhood in Christ, and knowing...

It's God.

Feeding Sheep

2006-06-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

John 21: 16
He said to him again a second time, "Simon, {son} of John, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Feed My sheep."

From "My Utmost for His Highest:
"Jesus did not say - Make converts to your way of thinking, but look after My sheep, see that they get nourished in the knowledge of Me. We count as service what we do in the way of Christian work; Jesus Christ calls service what we are to Him, not what we do for Him. Discipleship is based on devotion to Jesus Christ, not on adherence to a belief or a creed. "If any man come to Me and hate not..., he cannot be My disciple." There is no argument and no compulsion, but simply - If you would be My disciple, you must be devoted to Me. A man touched by the Spirit of God suddenly says - "Now I see Who Jesus is," and that is the source of devotion.

Today we have substituted credal belief for personal belief, and that is why so many are devoted to causes and so few devoted to Jesus Christ. People do not want to be devoted to Jesus, but only to the cause He started. Jesus Christ is a source of deep offense to the educated mind of today that does not want Him in any other way than as a Comrade. Our Lord's first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men; the saving of men was the natural outcome of His obedience to the Father. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a door-mat. The secret of a disciple's life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of the life is its unobtrusiveness. It is like a corn of wheat, which falls into the ground and dies, but presently it will spring up and alter the whole landscape (John 12:24)."

I have intimated to you in most, if not all, of these postings that this is an incredible time for me. I am being drawn close to God. I am finding a deep devotion to Christ that I had never before found.

Those around me are saying, "Wow, I never knew Danielle was so religious!" I'm not religious -I'm seeking and finding relationship mith my God and Savior. Those around me are saying, "I can't commit to Christianity because I don't believe everything it teaches." I call myself a Christian. I study the teachings of Christianity. But I believe and commit to what God tells me, through His voice and His scripture, and nothing else.

I cannot serve the needs of men. But an interesting thing is happening in my life. When I am completely focused on God, when I look no further than to hear God's word and see God's face, both my brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as nonbelievers, start to relate to me that I am having an impact on their lives. I start to hear God telling me to do things for people - make a CD; buy a book; send an email; call. And like the surface of a pond newly struck by a pebble, the ripples of these small gestures grow.

The greatest desire of my heart is to let my light shine for all to see. And now, people are finally seeing it, recognizing it as something of God and asking me for insight. Suddenly it occurs to me, I'm feeding His sheep.

I know one thing: I love God. I love worshipping and praising and thanking and singing and serving. I love immersing myself in His word and learning every lesson He puts on my heart.
It is such a joy to see the fruits of my devotion.

Now I see who Jesus is.

Getting Really Personal...

2006-06-20T00:19:00.000-04:00

I’m gonna let you all in on a little secret.

(Big Gulp, here goes)

I suffer from the Big “D” – DEPRESSION. I use Zoloft regularly to manage this. But there is one problem: I can’t figure out the dosage. If I take my prescribed amount daily, it feels as if it is building up in my system and I start to feel more aggressive, more manic. Then, I have to break the pills in half for a few days until my body feels deficiency again. That’s when I start to feel (as Sister Kim so nicely put in one of her sermons) like I’m going to “twist the cat’s head off.” Luckily, I don’t have a cat!

I’ve had a lot going on lately. A few shows to direct and choreograph, a Musical Theatre Workshop to direct, dance classes to teach, kids to raise, a house to clean, a husband to keep happy, wow, I really could go on and on. But we’ve all had that, haven’t we? I mean I am not alone in feeling over-stressed. But money’s been tight and so I may or may not have let a few days go by without medicine.

So then, tonight, I’m feeling pretty stretched. So I plan to get my prescription refilled and Bam! I’m out of refills.

I’ve been also feeling like “Darn it! I’m tired of being a slave to a pill! My God’s bigger than this blasted biochemical disorder!" And then, like fireflies in the night, images started flashing through my brain: Brother Brian Johnson goofin’ around at Shakespeare rehearsal tonight; Hugging Sister Rosalind Hamilton at church on Sunday; Driving through Wal-Mart Parking Lot one night and feeling something telling me to “look up,” and there was Sister Cora looking right at me, waving.

I can’t count how many times I run into Sister Jill in the oddest of places throughout the week. Her smile brightens my day and her hugs warm my heart. The images flashed of working with her on the musical and how I could not stop crying the night the show, “Down By the Creek Bank,” opened, watching those sweet little souls proclaiming Jesus’ name!

The Dance Team, Holy Expressions, telling The Story through Dance! My faithful friends here: Lisa Rae, Sarah and Roze, and my faithful friends far away: Mindy, Michelle, and Cherri. My Family. My Children. My Husband.

All of the sudden, I started smiling and I felt energy flow through me as if I had just done an hour-long session of Yoga. I began to rejoice as positive energy was pulsing through my body and I rejoiced, dear friends, that God put you in my life. If you are receiving this, it is because I have an invested interest in who you are in the body of Christ. You have somehow been an example to me, or maybe you have spoken a kind word to me which encouraged me, you may have unknowingly sustained me, so I have chosen YOU as the recipient of this writing.

I rejoiced that I am BLESSED. No one can replace my children and husband. They are incredibly dear to my heart. I have a BEAUTIFUL family. I have so much for which to be thankful. How can I get depressed????

Then the verse comes to my heart:
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.

So then, as if I wasn’t already flying high enough, God gives me this VISION. I am on a stage performing a One Woman, Christian Dramatic Comedy. The script will be written as I weave together these blog postings into one major play. Whew! Can ya see it now?!

So I get on my little magic box here, and I punch in Psalms 51:10-13 and I read “Create in me...” Yup, I got all the words right! And then! What’s this??? Verse 13??? That’s not in the song!!!

Verse 13: Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will be converted to You.

WHOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Can you say “I’ve got, I’ve got the Victory, I’ve got the sweet, sweet Victory in Jesus”??????? (Do the dance now!)

I claim Victory over Depression in JESUS’ NAME! I thank God, and praise God every time I think of you!!! God has a plan for my life!!!! Can depression gain one foothold in my life ever again???

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, All. I pray each of you finds this Sweet Victory if you are still searching for it. I pray for a continued sustaining spirit among the members and leaders of Revival Tabernacle. I pray for the continued strengthening of the cords of family and friendships. I pray that my beautiful children and husband will see me as an example, and our love for God and each other will continue to grow.

May the Lord RESTORE to YOU the JOY of YOUR SALVATION.

Remaining Diligent

2006-06-16T11:05:00.000-04:00

2 Peter 1
Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you.

Merriam-Webster defines the term diligent as:
characterized by steady, earnest, and energetic effort. I'd like to think this is the most diligent I have been in my life - ever pressing toward the goal or goals as my life's purpose and my Christian walk begin to merge into one major highway.

Remaining diligent takes effort. When you answer God's call and choose His path for your life, there are no promises of smooth roads ahead. I remember when I accepted Christ into my heart at the age of fourteen, my favorite Camp Counselor said, "It won't always be pink bubbles and warm fuzzies, but God will always be there." He couldn't have been more right. It has been a loooooooooooooooooooong road. But God is always faithful.

Are you surrounded by people of little faith? What do you do? What do you do when the bumps in the road are rocking your car around, and you KNOW that God is in control and you keep a hold of the wheel, but your spouse or friends or parents or kids are like back-seat drivers huffing and puffing and doubting and sulking and absolutely driving you crazy???

It's bound to trip you up a bit. It may even take the wind out of your sails. You feel beaten, downtrodden, maybe sad and frustrated, but way down deep inside you remember that "God is in control. He'll bring us through this. He always has. He always does. He always will."

From "My Utmost for His Highest":
You have inherited the Divine nature, says Peter (v.4), now screw your attention down and form habits, give diligence, concentrate."Add" means all that character means. No man is born either naturally or supernaturally with character, he has to make character. Nor are we born with habits; we have to form habits on the basis of the new life God has put into us. We are not meant to be illuminated versions, but the common stuff of ordinary life exhibiting the marvel of the grace of God. Drudgery is the touchstone of character. The great hindrance in spiritual life is that we will look for big things to do. "Jesus took a towel...and began to wash the disciples' feet."

There are times when there is no illumination and no thrill, but just the daily round, the common task. Routine is God's way of saving us between our times of inspiration. Do not expect God always to give you His thrilling minutes, but learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God.

It is the "adding" that is difficult. We say we do not expect God to carry us to heaven on flowery beds of ease, and yet we act as if we did! The tiniest detail in which I obey has all the omnipotent power of the grace of God behind it. If I do my duty, not for duty's sake, but because I believe God is engineering my circumstances, then at the very point of my obedience the whole superb grace of God is mine through the Atonement."

And some how, some way, you stand, because there's nothing else you can do. You wait on God, because there is no other hope. You tune out the negative voices of doubt from inside your head and from out of your family members' mouths.

God will come through. He always has. He always does. He always will.

Come ye after Me

2006-06-14T23:29:00.000-04:00

Mark 1:17
And Jesus said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you become fishers of men."

From "My Utmost for His Highest":
We have the notion that we can consecrate our gifts to God. You cannot consecrate what is not yours; there is only one thing you can consecrate to God, and that is your right to yourself (Romans 12:1). If you will give God your right to yourself, He will make a holy experiment out of you. God's experiments always succeed. The one mark of a saint is the moral originality which springs from abandonment to Jesus Christ. In the life of a saint there is this amazing wellspring of original life all the time; the Spirit of God is a well of water springing up, perennially fresh. The saint realizes that it is God Who engineers circumstances, consequently there is no whine, but a reckless abandon to Jesus.

Never make a principle out of your experience; let God be as original with other people as He is with you. If you abandon to Jesus, and come when He says "Come," He will continue to say "Come" through you; you will go out into life reproducing the echo of Christ's "Come." That is the result in every soul who has abandoned and come to Jesus.

I just came from having a frustrating conversation where I was pressed to explain the reason I bring my children to church, and choose to teach children at church. When I read this scripture, I again was amazed at the timeliness. But then again, why should I be amazed, when all of this is from God.

I explained to my friend that I heard Jesus say, "Come" at a very early age. I have always been drawn to God. I have felt God's hand guide me to Him for as long as I can remember. At the age of four, my grandmother and I were in Weis Markets. She told me I could choose any toy that I wanted. I chose "A Child's Book of Hymns". It was a Golden Book. My favorite song was "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam". I heard God in my heart. I felt His guidance throughout my life. God called to me, "Come ye after Me". I followed.

Now, it is my duty and desire to "raise my children in the way that they will go, so when they are older, they will not part from it" (Proverbs 22:6). My children respond. They love to worship! How can I then consider that I might be doing wrong by them by bringing them to church?

Through this blog, I have been blessed. I have people contacting me, telling me that I am touching their lives; I am speaking or writing what they need to hear! My heart leaps with joy to know that God is using me in this way. I am humbled. I am honored. I am blessed.

I am experiencing what it means to echo that call of "Come". I have abandoned all to Jesus and now this light has begun to shine.

How do I argue with someone who has never heard God's call? How do I make him understand the incredible joy, the overwhelming LOVE that is found when you abandon all to Christ?

Matthew 11:28
"Come unto me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
"The questions that matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by the words - "Come unto Me." Not - Do this, or don't do that; but - "Come unto Me." If I will come to Jesus my actual life will be brought into accordancewith my real desires; I will actually cease from sin, and actually find the song of the Lord begin.

Have you ever come to Jesus? Watch the stubbornness of your heart, you will do anything rather than the one simple childlike thing -"Come unto Me." If you want the actual experience of ceasing from sin, you must come to Jesus. Jesus Christ makes Himself the touchstone. Watch how He used the word "Come." At the most unexpected moments there is the whisper of the Lord - "Come unto Me," and you are drawn immediately. Personal contact with Jesus alters everything. Be stupid enough to come and commit yourself to what He says. The attitude of coming is that the will resolutely lets go of everything and deliberately commits all to Him.". . . and I will give you rest," i.e., I will stay you. Not - I will put you to bed and hold your hand and sing you to sleep; but - I will get you out of bed, out of the languor and exhaustion, out of the state of being half dead while you are alive; I will imbue you with the spirit of life, and you will be stayed by the perfection of vital activity."

When you are called, you know. You hear His voice. You know the signs. You know it's GOD.
You are not only drawn to God, but you are drawn to put your faith into action.

"Come unto Me". That's all He asks. And when you do, suddenly everyone around you wants what you have. Let your life, abandoned to Christ, echo Christ's call:

"Come".

Seek and Ye Shall Find

2006-06-11T00:19:00.000-04:00

Luke 11:9
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you..."

I will admit when I received this scripture today, I was a bit confused. Didn't we just cover this yesterday? And yet, somehow "asking" for things and "seeking" things are a bit different, are they not? I soon found out.

My Utmost for His Highest states:
"Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss. If you ask for things from life instead of from God, you ask amiss, i.e., you ask from a desire for self-realization. The more you realize yourself, the less will you seek God. 'Seek, and ye shall find.' Get to work, narrow your interests to this one. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you only given a languid cry to Him after a twinge of moral neuralgia? Seek, concentrate, and you will find.

'Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters.' Are you thirsty, or smugly indifferent - so satisfied with your experience that you want nothing more of God? Experience is a gateway, not an end. Beware of building your faith on experience, the metallic note will come in at once, the censorious note. You can never give another person that which you have found, but you can make him homesick for what you have.

'Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.' 'Draw nigh to God.' Knock -the door is closed, and you suffer from palpitation as you knock. 'Cleanse your hands' - knock a bit louder, you begin to find you are dirty. 'Purify your heart' - this is more personal still, you are desperately in earnest now - you will do anything. 'Be afflicted' -have you ever been afflicted before God at the state of your inner life? There is no strand of self-pity left, but a heartbreaking affliction of amazement to find you are the kind of person that you are. 'Humble yourself' - it is a humbling business to knock at God's door - you have to knock with the crucified thief. 'To him that knocketh, it shall be opened."

Woah. Now that's deep. Let's take this in bite-size portions, shall we?

First off: "Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss. If you ask for things from life instead of from God, you ask amiss, i.e., you ask from a desire for self-realization. The more you realize yourself the less will you seek God. 'Seek, and ye shall find.' Get to work, narrow your interests to this one. Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you only given a languid cry to Him after a twinge of moral neuralgia? Seek, concentrate, and you will find."

I will never know what prompted me to this journey. I simply sought a deeper relationship with God. I knew I was being called to minister in some way. I wanted God to show me how. Next thing you know, I'm on this journey. I've given plenty o' "languid cries after twinges of moral neuralgia." I'm no longer looking for a deeper sense of self; I'm seeking God. So, here I am: seeking, concentrating and finding.

The more I seek, the more I wonder what is the end result? There is none. This journey will continue until my death. Am I up to this long road ahead of me? Then I notice that the more I seek, I am changed every day. A woman who used to be quick to anger and would flee the scene of an argument and hold a grudge against the wronging person or persons has been transformed into a woman who, when now offended, stops and says, "I know you probably didn't mean anything by what you said, but my feelings were hurt and I would just like to clear the air..." A woman who used to, like Martha, put off God to spend time cleaning, saying "God, I'll make time for devotions as soon as I get the downstairs clean..." has now learned to sit among the clutter and sit with God first. The more I seek, the more I find.

'Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters.' Are you thirsty, or smugly indifferent - so satisfied with your experience that you want nothing more of God? Experience is a gateway, not an end. Beware of building your faith on experience, the metallic note will come in at once, the censorious note. You can never give another person that which you have found, but you can make him homesick for what you have. '

My journey has been capped off by a lot of moments of "being smugly indifferent; satisfied with (my) experience". I cannot say I wanted nothing more of God, but because I got to a point where I thought I figured it all out, my need for faithfulness diminished. I would act high and mighty as if I KNEW all there was to know, and since I knew everything, there was no reason to seek God out. Oh how I wish this had been revealed to me at an earlier age! Like Moses, I have wandered and wandered, trying to do it myself, thinking that this was God's way, and finding out I took a smidgeon of God's instruction and tried to carry it out on my own. Then when something wouldn't work out the way I thought it was supposed to work out, I would get mad and frustrated with God and with myself, never realizing it was because I failed to wait on God.

'Knock, and it shall be opened unto you.' 'Draw nigh to God.' Knock -the door is closed, and you suffer from palpitation as you knock. 'Cleanse your hands' - knock a bit louder, you begin to find you are dirty. 'Purify your heart' - this is more personal still, you are desperately in earnest now - you will do anything. 'Be afflicted' -have you ever been afflicted before God at the state of your inner life? There is no strand of self-pity left, but a heartbreaking affliction of amazement to find you are the kind of person that you are. 'Humble yourself' - it is a humbling business to knock at God's door - you have to knock with the crucified thief. 'To him that knocketh, it shall be opened."

I have experienced all of this: Fear of asking; need for cleansing and purification; a need for humility. I have even experienced an absolute disgust of what or whom I had become. Far too many times I became that crucified thief begging for His mercy, hoping He could find it in His heart to remember me when He comes into His kingdom.

But what is this all really about? I know who I am. I have dug deep to discover the good, the bad and the ugly time and time again. But I'm still seeking. I'm still thirsting. I want God to direct my every path - not just the ones that I can't figure out on my own. I want each step on each path to be guided by God. I want each contribution to be used for His glory. I want to realize the "new" Danielle Renee Murphy Scott - completely surrendered to and completely guided BY GOD.

So I ask and I seek.

I will find.

Ask and it shall....

2006-06-10T00:32:00.000-04:00

Luke 11
It happened that while Jesus was praying in a certain place, after He had finished, one of His disciples said to Him, "Lord, teach us to pray just as John also taught his disciples." And He said to them, "When you pray, say:
`Father, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come.
Give us each day our daily bread. And forgive us our sins,
For we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And lead us not into temptation.' "

Then He said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and goes to him at midnight and says to him, `Friend, lend me three loaves; for a friend of mine has come to me from a journey, and I have nothing to set before him'; and from inside he answers and says, `Do not bother me; the door has already been shut and my children and I are in bed; I cannot get up and give you anything.' I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs.

So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?"

From "My Utmost for His Highest": There is nothing more difficult than to ask. We will long and desire and crave and suffer, but not until we are at the extreme limit will we ask. A sense of unreality makes us ask. Have you ever asked out of the depths of moral poverty? "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God...but be sure that you do lack wisdom. You cannot bring yourself up against Reality when you like. The next best thing to do if you are not spiritually real, is to ask God for the Holy Spirit on the word of Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit is the One who makes real in you all that Jesus did for you. "For every one that asketh receiveth." This does not mean you will not get if you do not ask, but until you get to the point of asking you won't receive from God. To receive means you have come into the relationship of a child of God, and now you perceive with intelligent and moral appreciation and spiritual understanding that these things come from God. "If any of you lack wisdom . . ." If you realize you are lacking, it is because you have come in contact with spiritual reality; do not put your reasonable blinkers on again. People say - Preach us the simple gospel: don't tell us we have to be holy, because that produces a sense of abject poverty, and it is not nice to feel abjectly poor. "Ask" means beg. Some people are poor enough to be interested in their poverty, and some of us are like that spiritually. We will never receive if we ask with an end in view; if we ask, not out of our poverty but out of our lust. A pauper does not ask from any other reason than the abject panging condition of his poverty, he is not ashamed to beg. - Blessed are the paupers inspirit."

Do you know how to ask? I'll admit, I have not known how to ask for anything until today. Maybe I figured that God knew the desires of my heart, so why would I have to state it plainly? But for some reason, I've always been afraid to ask. For anything. From anyone. I don't know where this comes from, really. A lack of assertiveness? A fear of having someone have to go out of their way for me? A fear of being in debt to someone? I honestly don't know. When people ask me for something, I'm there. But when I need something? Whew! I'd rather suffer through long hours of torture and exhaustion than have to ask someone for their help.

Somehow, today, this scripture was timely. I had three things that I really needed to speak to God. One: Help with the management of this household. Sometimes the laundry of four children and a husband seems like 12 children and a husband. More than the ability to "to just get it done," I needed a desire to get it done and a reason to get it done. Two: Finances. I am living by faith alone on this one, and God is always faithful. Every time we're down to our last dollars, a check mysteriously appears in our mailbox. Although this is wonderful and God is sooo good, I cannot have my husband working two jobs much longer. He has a heart condition. I need God to provide a way for money to come in without my husband completely sacrificing himself for this family. Do I appreciate it? Of course. Do I think it is fair? Absolutely not. I don't want to lose my husband to a heart attack because he spent his life providing for us.

Finally, the Theatre. We need a place. A tract of land, an old barn. I said it. I told God, we need someone to call up and say "Here". All of the ways in which we thought it would happen are now deadends. So I begged God: "Make the phone ring. Show me what newspapers to put ads in. Show me how to contact the Amish to build a barn. Do something."

I asked. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. My spirit took over and spoke in a language I had not heard. I was too busy crying to pay attention to what my tongue was doing. But I asked.

Your Father loves you and would be willing to give anything for you if you just ask.

I haven't had any cups of "instant-answered prayer" - YET. I will keep you informed if and when God comes through.

But again, I asked. May you be able to come to that place where you can put yourself before God, open up your mouth and ask.

You will be changed.

Do you not KNOW me?

2006-06-08T11:52:00.000-04:00

John 8:12-20
Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." So the Pharisees said to Him, "You are testifying about Yourself; Your testimony is not true." Jesus answered and said to them, "Even if I testify about Myself, My testimony is true, for I know where I came from and where I am going; but you do not know where I come from or where I am going. You judge according to the flesh; I am not judging anyone. But even if I do judge, My judgment is true; for I am not alone, but I and the Father who sent Me. Even in your law it has been written that the testimony of two men is true. I am He who testifies about Myself, and the Father who sent Me testifies about Me." So they were saying to Him, "Where is Your Father?" Jesus answered, "You know neither Me nor My Father; if you knew Me, you would know My Father also." These words He spoke in the treasury, as He taught in the temple; and no one seized Him, because His hour had not yet come.

Bear with me today as I am overwhelmed by mutliple thoughts, emotions and lots of tears - both of joy and sadness. I hope to be able to boil all of these down to a point. At this moment, this seems no easy task.

I have subscribed to heartlight.org to begin receiving daily scriptures. The scriptures and messages I selected are from the book, "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. Along with today's scripture, John 8:17, came these thoughts:

"If you do not cut the moorings, God will have to break them by a storm and send you out. Launch all on God, go out on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and you will get your eyes open. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the smooth waters just inside the harbour bar, full of delight, but always moored; you have to get out through the harbour bar into the great deeps of God and begin to know for yourself, begin to have spiritual discernment. When you know you should do a thing, and do it, immediately you know more. Revise where you have become stodgy spiritually, and you will find it goes back to a point where there was something you knew you should do, but you did not do it because there seemed no immediate call to, and now you have no perception, no discernment; at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self-possessed. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to go on knowing. The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you work up occasions to sacrifice your self; ardour is mistaken for discernment. It is easier to sacrifice yourself than to fulfil your spiritual destiny, which is stated in Romans 12:1-2. It is a great deal better to fulfill the purpose of God in your life by discerning His will than to perform great acts of self-sacrifice. "To obey is better than sacrifice." Beware of harking back to what you were once when God wants you to be something you have never been. 'If any man will do .. . he shall know."

As I read this, some moments that have occurred over the past few weeks come to mind. The first one was when my grandmother asked me, "Danielle, why didn't you become a school teacher?" My reply was, "because I am a dance teacher, and acting teacher, and a director." She then retorted, "Well, you certainly haven't made your life easy!"

Lately, my husband (of all people) has been very concerned about the amount of time and energy I put into this blog and to church. He feels that I need to be working on the theatre company, teaching my dance classes, cleaning the house, raising the kids - not wasting time. Don't get me wrong, he loves the fact that I go to church, but I sense some confusion coming from him when I stay for all three services on Sunday and return Sunday night. He's afraid of computers, so there's no point in explaining this blog to him.

Recently, a very cushy job opportunity arose for me. It was an Executive Director position of a project that I helped start. The organization had been incubated into a greater level of existence in the time that I've been gone from the incubating agency, and now the position has been created. I intimated to you that money isn't exactly coming easy to us lately. This position could have provided a lot for us had I gone for it.

I searched my heart and searched my heart, but I couldn't apply. Flashing Dollar Signs are not enough to take me off the path God has intended for me.

I'm feeling like Jesus lately. The more I soak in the Son, so to speak, the more those around me are scratching their heads and losing their patience with me and my choices.

"Do you not know me? Do you not know my Father?" reverberates in my head. Clothing a dance team and building sets for the church musical is JOY to me, not a chore. It is the living out of my Faith, using the talents and gifts God has given me to bring Him GLORY!

And then, I see the sign. Oh how I seek signs! I believe everyone has a scripture for their life. Mine has always been Romans 12:2. How can I ignore then, my being sent a message that points me to Romans 12:1-2?

"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, {which is} your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

As the message states, "It is a great deal better to fulfill the purpose of God in your life by discerning His will than to perform great acts of self-sacrifice. "To obey is better than sacrifice." Beware of harking back to what you were once when God wants you to be something you have never been. 'If any man will do .. . he shall know."

I will not turn back to that woman who knew God, but could not express God. I will not live only acknowedging God or seeking God on Sundays. I know God wants me to be something I have never been, and as I do, I know.

If you too, are being persecuted against, misunderstood, feeling thrown off your path by opinions or temptations around you, stay on your path. It has often been said that "we must be doing something right, because Satan is working really hard."

Stay faithful. Give Him praise. Keep doing. He will show you and you will know.

Praise, Praise and more Praise

2006-06-05T17:18:00.000-04:00

I, I gotta Praise!
I gotta Praise and I gotta get it out...
I gotta Praise...
I gotta Praise!

Wow. As much as God has done for me lately - He just doesn't quit!

I pulled an all-nighter Saturday night making costumes for the Dance Team at church. I often have to remind myself that I'm not eighteen and in college anymore. I'm a Mommy who needs my rest, but the Dance Team couldn't very well dance naked, now could they?!?

So, there I am in church Sunday morning - barely able to keep my eyes open. The chandelier hanging behind Pastor's head was making smears of light before my eyes. Pastor's face was barely recognizable even though I was in the second pew. He too, was all blurry. But I heard his words. I heard his words speak once again, directly to me.

1 Samuel 14:1-15
1 Now the day came that Jonathan, the son of Saul, said to the young man who was carrying his armor, "Come and let us cross over to the Philistines' garrison that is on the other side." But he did not tell his father. 2 Saul was staying in the outskirts of Gibeah under the pomegranate tree which is in Migron. And the people who were with him were about six hundred men, 3 and Ahijah, the son of Ahitub, Ichabod's brother, the son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the priest of the LORD at Shiloh, was wearing an ephod. And the people did not know that Jonathan had gone.

According to Matthew Henry's Complete Commentary on the Bible, "We must here take notice, I. Of the goodness of God in restraining the Philistines, who had a vast army of valiant men in the field, from falling upon that little handful of timorous trembling people that Saul had with him, whom they would easily have swallowed up at once. It is an invisible power that sets bounds to the malice of the church’s enemies, and suffers them not to do that which we should think there is nothing to hinder them from. II. Of the weakness of Saul, who seems here to have been quite at a loss, and unable to help himself. 1. He pitched his tent under a tree, and had but 600 men with him. Where were now the 3000 men he had chosen, and put such a confidence in? Those whom he trusted too much failed him when he most needed them. He durst not stay in Gibeah, but go into some obscure place, in the uttermost part of the city, under a pomegranate-tree, under Rimmon (so the word is), Ha-Rimmon, that Rimmon near Gibeah, in the caves of which those 600 Benjamites that escaped him themselves, Jdg. 20:47. Some think that there Saul took shelter, so mean and abject was his spirit, now that he had fallen under God’s displeasure, every hour expecting the Philistines upon him, and thereby the accomplishment of Samuel’s threatening, ch. 13:14. Those can never think themselves safe that see themselves cast out of God’s protection.

Pastor made particular note of the pomegranate tree. There Saul was, basically hiding out, feeling sorry for himself, while unbeknownst to him, his son is fighting a very brave battle in his stead. Pastor explained the the word "pomegranate" literally translates to the words "Get Up!" How ironic that Saul is sitting on his duff, and a message from a tree is hanging over his head, telling him what he needs to do next.

Have you ever been here? Are you here now? Do you know what I'm talking about? Me neither. Just kidding. Have you ever been at a spot in your life where you're wondering what God wants for your life and the answer has been with you all along, staring you in your face, but you're so busy making excuses, questioning your lot in life, thinking "someday the answers will be revealed," you don't even realize the tools have been in front of you, or worse, in your hands all along?

Pastor went on to use the staff of Moses as an example. Moses wandered in the wilderness for forty years. All along, his staff was in his hand. He needs evidence of how he will prove that God has spoken to him. God tells him to throw the staff to the ground. It turns into a serpent. God tells him to "pick it up by its tail," it turns back into a staff. This same staff parted the Red Sea and let the Hebrews out of Pharoah's land. This same staff, Moses used to strike the rock which spewed water. Moses had the tool in his hand all along, and didn't realize what God was asking of him.

So it was, at the end of this very enlightening sermon, Pastor asked us to ask God to reveal what tools were in our hands that we could use for His glory and His good work. Pastor asked us to examine what pomegranate trees were right in front of our faces calling us to "Get Up!"

Now, some of you know the whirlwind of confusion I have been in these past few years. I know I want to do God's work. I know I want to resist the temptation of a cushy high-salary job and use the gifts and talents God has given me for His glory. I know God has given me tremendous gifts and talents which has made it all the harder to determine what God wants for my life. Grantwriting is a Ministry. Organizational Management is a Ministry. Teaching dance is a Ministry. I have felt for years that I am a Jane-of-All-Trades, but am I a Master of any? Is my desire to push my Theatre Company forward what God truly wants for my life? Or is it yet another selfish desire of what I want for my life? I have been afraid. I have made excuses. I have come to some conclusions, only to backtrack and second-guess time after time, after time.

So, I got on my knees. I asked God to show me what He truly wanted for my life. I looked down at my hands. In one hand was a Comedy Mask. In the other, a Tragedy Mask. Theatre - my greatest desire, my greatest gift, my greatest talent is the tool that would bring God glory! Later at home, I again prayed that God would show me how Theatre would become my Ministry. He revealed to me that "Gaspipe" = "God's Pipe". Through Theatre, people will come into my life to whom I can and will minister. Derek and I will write plays on biblical figures such as Ruth and Naomi, Martha and Mary and many more that can be performed in the new church and elsewhere. My greatest desire is not selfish. God will use it. It has been revealed!!!

I have been blessed with a babysitter to watch the children while I work in another room of the house. I have been blessed with a group of people who are willing and excited about all the possibilities that lie ahead for this Theatre Company. I have been blessed with a Vision and affirmation of a dream that has long been in the works.

God is sooooooo good!

All the time.

A Song of Praise

2006-06-02T14:49:00.000-04:00

Today, I once again prayed over my Bible asking God to direct me to the scripture He would have me study. I opened to the 23rd Psalm. I keep some obituary clippings in my Bible at the 23rd Psalm, so I thought I'd try again. Three times my fingers felt the pages slip over them. Three times I opened to the 23rd Psalm. It is times like these when the song from the movie, "The Color Purple" starts resounding in my head, "God is trying to tell you something...."

And so it goes:

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters; He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Are you crying? I'm crying. I've memorized this Psalm from the time I was seven years old. But today, the Lord revived it in my heart and gave it new meaning.

"I shall not be in want."
I used to have a career. Salary in the 30's. Rubbing elbows with legislators. I was Somebody! I was da-da-dedah: Corporate Girl. See my cape?

I lost my job due to downsizing three years ago. I make a few dollars teaching dance classes here and there now. My husband's check is so minimal because of outrageous child support, that we should be hungry all the time. Our clothes should be thread-bare. We shouldn't be able to afford gas! I've gone from job to job, each time being "Let Go". Quite a blow to this overachiever's self-esteem. But you know what? GOD has revealed to me that He has bigger plans for me. And although I am not making a significant income, we - my family and I, are happier now than when I was making $30K a year. God provides. I shall not be in want.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters; He restores my soul."
I have never been in such a state of Peace in all my life. My husband and I are solid - due only to God's hand in our marriage. My children are healthy, happy, beautiful! I'm being transformed daily through God's word. I am at PEACE! HE restores my soul!

"He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake."
I don't know if there has ever been a time in my life where the angel on my right shoulder has tackled and pinned the angel on my left. But right now, that righteous angel is standing over that bad angel with his foot on his throat. I'm not saying I don't sin, but I certainly feel guided on a path of righteousness with less temptation to stray from this path.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies."
Have you ever felt completely protected? Have you ever felt the hand of God surround you? His arms wrap around you? People, who I know want evil for my life, have been kept at bay. Each day His rod and staff guide me to this Devotional time.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
I only need to reflect on Wednesday evening's church service when I read these words. There I was, arms wrapped around Ellen, counting my blessings while singing through overflowing tears:
I am blessed
Every day, in every way.
I am blessed. God has been so good to me.
He's never failed me; He's never let me down.
All I can say... I am blessed.

I am sooooo blessed. My children, my husband, the roof over my head, the cars in the driveway, my parents and grandparents, my friends, my church family, my finances, my health. He never fails me. He never lets me down.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
What Hope. What Promise. God assures me daily that His grace is sufficient. In my Father's house there are many many rooms, and if He goes to prepare a place for me, He will come back again.

All I can say in closing today is let this Psalm really sink in for you today. Let it not be something you read at funerals, but really take all that it has to say, in.

Be Blessed!